Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out

Shell over at Things I Can’t Say has a fairly new meme for Wednesdays, and I’ve been thinking about participating for a few weeks.  I’m still not sure this post will go up, but I’m going to get some things out there that I might otherwise let eat me alive. 

If you want to link up, click on the button below.


Ok…here you go.  This is something that has most likely always been an issue for me, but lately it’s become more of an issue.  It’s called…..


             SELF IMAGE …….


Or in my case….the LACK of a healthy one.

You see, I’m not tall, I’m not thin…I’ve always felt that I could lose a bit of weight, even in high school when I weighed maybe 110 pounds.  I’ve had several great times when I lost the weight I wanted to lose.  I’ve been a size 2 before….believe it or  not!!  That, of course, was before having children. 

My last lowest weight was right before I met my current spouse.  I somehow managed to lose the weight I gained when I had my daughter in 1997!  I did not manage to lose it until she was 7!!  Yes, that was the time when I lost my late spouse, but I must say that I had already lost the weight before the tragic accident.  Then I met my current spouse.  I was feeling good about myself at that point. 

Then came the surprise that I was pregnant.  Ohhhhh…I was soooo not wanting to gain the weight back, but it was inevitable.  I did gain it back…and more.  After Lil Lady was born I was almost at my comfortable adult weight and ohhhhhhh, there comes Little Man!!  Damn!  I just couldn’t win for the life of me!!

So, here I am today, 20 pounds heavier than when I met my spouse.  And……

I feel like crap!!

He’s also gained 20 but he still looks good to me!  And I find it unfair that men can gain weight but it’s all good.  I just don’t get it.  People look at me and don’t know where I keep the poundage…but I know it’s there.  And I don’t LIKE IT!

A few things have happened lately that have really made me feel even worse.  I am skeptical about writing them here because I know my dear spouse comes to visit my blog, which is ok, but I don’t want him to think that I am knocking him down for being a man.  I am not.  I am just trying to figure it all out, and I’m trying to learn how to deal with my reactions to things.  You know the reactions where you know what you are thinking is so off base, but it’s what you think and nobody is going to tell you differently??  Yeah, those reactions.

For example…when your man looks at naked women on the internet….Oh come on….you KNOW they do!!  What is your reaction?  Do you get pissed off?  Do you just say whatever…he’s a guy??  What do YOU do???  Me??  I decide I’m not worth shit and that he’s going to hook up with one of these women and leave me.  Yes, that is exactly how far my brain takes it. 

How do I deal with that?  I shut myself up in my own little world.  I don’t reach out to anyone.  I don’t share my feelings because after all, they are irrational, right? 

Another example of my irrational thinking?  A few old friends contacted my spouse on Facebook.  These friends were from his past before I knew him.  These friends were happy to have found him.  These friends finding him made him very happy.  These friends are female……

Let me tell you….I DID try to be rational.  I DID try to be open-minded and share in his happiness that these women friended him on Facebook.  I did…..I really really really honest and truly DID!!  Then…..

Then there was an exchange of several emails going back and forth between them.  “Just catching up on things” is what the spouse said.  This is where my heart starts constricting…..

Spouse says he knew that if he told me I would get all crazy and accusatory.  (is that even a word??  accu-sa-tory…..)  Anyways, he was right.  I’m sorry….I don’t KNOW these women.  I don’t know what kind of “past” he’s talking about when he says they used to “hang out at the bar”.  I. Just. Don’t. Know.  I should save this for Friday’s Confessional, but let me just say, I confess to letting my wild thoughts get away from me.  The moment I realized there was more than just the “friending” on facebook…and by “more”, I am talking about the emailing….I had these women breaking up my marriage.  I had my spouse, in my mind, sneaking around to meet up with these two…or even just one of them, after all, one of them is divorced…..and most likely available….ahhhh HELL!  I couldn’t even think straight!!

It’s horrible…I know.  I should trust my spouse.  It is NOT his fault I was cheated on before.  It’s not HIS fault that I have these distorted views of what women are after.  But…..It’s NOT MY FAULT that when I have this feeling in the pit of my gut….I can usually call it like it is.  I TOLD him that next they would be wanting to “get together to catch up on things”.  And I’m sure they have mentioned that.  I told him I wouldn’t let him go without me.  Is that stupid???  Do I want to meet these people?  It’s not something I would go out of my way to do, but possibly meeting them would put my fears at rest??  Possibly….

Possibly it would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. 

What I can’t seem to grasp is WHY I feel my spouse would leave at the first opportunity he got.  It’s not like he doesn’t show me that he “wants me”.  Hell….he would “want” me every night if I would let it happen.  Maybe that’s it….maybe I need a different kind of “wanting” too.  Maybe it’s the “I want to meet up with you and catch up on things” kind of wanting that I need and don’t get.  We have 3 kids…two are toddlers….so yes, we also need to catch up on things.  Maybe it’s the smiling face I want him to show me when he gets an email from me?  Yes, I send him emails…I send him sweet ones too, not just raging hormonal ones.

What IS it with me??  Was I that scarred by a past relationship that I can’t trust who I’m with??  Is it that sometimes the spouse’s actions are speaking louder than his words??  Maybe I need to tell his actions to shut the fuck up because I’m concentrating on the words he’s saying!!  Damn it all to hell….I swear…..

I tried to explain to him that if I am supposed to NOT CARE what he looks at on the internet, and NOT CARE who he talks to in real life, then I have to NOT CARE about many things…like whether or not he’s tired, like whether or not he’s about ready to lose it from spending 5 straight hours with the kids….you see, if I am to NOT CARE, then I DO NOT CARE about anything.  But if you want me to care that you are exhausted, and that you’ve had a rough day, and that you just want an hour to sit and have a beer with friends (guy friends of course)…..then you have to also deal with me CARING who the fuck your talking to.  Yes?  Please, someone tell me I am making some sense here because….

….for Pete’s Sake!!!!…..

….I don’t want these crazy things to ruin my marriage!!  When I said “I do” even though I was FAT with CHILD….I meant that I DO.

I DO love my spouse.

I DO want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I DO want to trust him.

I DO want to grow old with him.

What I didn’t agree to was letting any past “lives” come back to haunt either one of us.  And I didn’t agree to NOT CARE with whom he talks, and what  he does, and where he is……

So, this is what’s been eating at me for a while now.  I’m hoping we are at a turning point.  I’m hoping he heard my words last night.  I heard his, and will do what I can to tame my out of control thoughts.  I hope we can get past this.  I PRAY we can get past this.  And that’s coming from a non-church go-er.

And spouse, if you are reading my blog, I just hope you know that I love you.  And this post was not in any way intended to knock you down. 

Thank you , Shell, for giving me the opportunity to get this out there and off my chest.  You deserve a medal for coming up with this meme.  Afterall, the reason I blog is to relieve my stress, and even if I had no followers, I’d still be here today!


BigSis said...

Letting it out has to feel good. And, you are being honest with yourself and your husband. Only good things should come of that. (Although, I do recognize that it's pretty damn painful along the way. So, always know you can vent... If you need a secret place, you can always guest post :))

Kim - In Search of Me in Mommy said...

You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel. I agree with BigSis...being honest is how good things come out of yucky situations. Don't take on all the responsibility - share it! Good luck - just think, this too shall pass.

singedwingangel said...

Sweetie as a larger woman I feel you on this. Our own feelings of unworthiness flood over into everyone else's apparent actions. Simply because we think we know what we would FEEl like doing. I will stand in prayer with you.. But from one christian let me tellyou, God says he created you as HIs princess, He put a robe on your shoulders, the finest sandals on your feet. He has brushed your hair till it shines like fine gold, kisse your face to place the red in them, and placed a crown upon your head to prove to all you are part of HIS beautiful royal lineage. Now us believing that is another story.. praying you get there

Dual Mom said...

Ok here's the deal.

You're not insane. You know that deep down.

You need to ask yourself if hubby has EVER given you a reason not to trust him. By the sound of things I don't think he has. So your jealousy, while not insane, is irrational. You need to recognize it as irrational. It doesn't mean it's any "less". Most feelings, true feelings, are irrational. Love being the most damn irrational emotion of all.

Have you thought about talking to a therapist. It's the "in" thing to do ya know? But seriously, someone with a little bit of expertise in dealing with emotion and feelings might be able to guide you toward ways to deal with these feelings, your sense of not being enough, insecure. Because I think you know you have to deal with them.

The weight thing is easy. You've dealt with that one several times before. Deal with it again. You know what you have to do, now you just have to do it. (Oh I'm a fine one to talk).

Yes, meet these women. Get to know them. Find out what the history is.

As far as you wanting hubby to smile at your emails and laugh at your jokes. I hate to say it, but relationships become comfortable, the newness dissipates. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I think you know that.

And lastly, no, it's no goddamn fair at all that he's not stressing over putting on 20 pounds and you are. Where's the equality in that????

Ok your hour is up! Same time next week?

Brittney said...

I know exactly how you feel! I feel the same way, anytime my husband leaves or whatever I start freaking out. and the naked lady thing... makes me feel absolutely horrid about myself.. I dont have a body like that, why are you looking at it? blah blah I flip out often. you are not alone in these feelings.

However, I know that my husband loves me, like you know yours loves you and we shouldnt let our insecurities come b.t our marriage. *hugs* ♥

Shell said...

Dual Mom needs to be my therapist, too.

I get crazy jealous and think the worst, even though Hubs gives me no reason to. Seriously, I had a freak out just this morning. Luckily, I calmed myself down and realized that my dh loves me and isn't going anywhere, but that doesn't stop me from freaking out occasionally.

I need to trust in that love all the time.

Thanks for linking up.

Nicky said...

I've been cheated on too, and dumped. I've been skinny. I've been fat. You are so not alone. I am totally unqualified to tell you what to do, but I know I felt better when I knew I wasn't alone. Hope this helps, and I think by pouring it out instead of bottling it up, you've already taken a positive step.

Kmama said...

I'm finally paying you a visit after you stopped by and commented last week. Sorry it's taken so long.

It sounds like you have gotten some great advice. Finding self -esteem is really hard. I struggle with it at times, but then I realize that my hubs must be sticking around for some reason. ;-)

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Ok-I know where you are coming from and don't blame you one bit for how you feel. My first husband was scum and cheated every chance he got. So I know what that feels like. My husband now is a GEM...totally awesome....but...he looks at these Japanese "soft porn" magazines. Actually a lot of their magazines have soft porn in them. I HATE IT. I really fricken hate it. It makes me, at 49 with saggy boobs (ooo can I say that?) feel like CRAP. I totally understand. But I tried a little experiment...we recently went to a Japanese wrestling match (kinda like WWF japanese style) and there was this ONE wrestler that was HOT...he was cute, had a great body and wore these orange rubber when he came out I whistled, cheered and made loud comments about his butt....yeah...that did not go over big with hubby. We talked about it when we got home and I asked him.."how did it feel?"..he got the point....

Small Town Girl said...

That's why I love blogging. I know that someone somewhere has GOT to feel like I do, but if not at least I get it off my chest. I completely get where you're coming from. My husband and I actually had an argument yesterday about naked women and the internet. When my husband has to go out of town for training it's in his hometown. I get completely nuts, especially when he calls me from a bar with his buddies and I can hear women giggling in the background. I know he loves me, and I wish I didn't get completely paranoid, but I guess that's just who I am.

Linda Medrano said...

Terry, I understand every word you are saying. First of all, you are not crazy Sweetheart. I'll tell you a little "short story". My first marriage was to a guy who thought it was perfectly okay to ogle busty women right in front of me. And comment on how "healthy" their "rack" was. Okay, I was called "Tits Medrano" in high school, so I'm not flat but hey! I began to feel like I just didn't measure up.

My next husband had an addiction to the girls of Penthouse and such. Uh huh. Plus we had a stripper who lived behind us, and he used to turn off the lights so he could watch this woman undress. (I was 24 years his junior and had a great body at that time.) He made me feel "less" than attractive.

The first time Alex (my current husband) turned around to look at a pretty girl when we were together, I got up and walked outside. We were at a restaurant at the time. When he asked what was wrong, I told him. When a man does that to me, I feel he is disrespecting me. I will not tolerate disrespect. When you are alone or with buddies, do as you like. Never do that to me again.

In 20 years, he has not. I don't do it to him either because he would not appreciate it. Sorry, maybe it's just my insecurity, but that is a deal breaker for me.

As far as old friends, my feeling is, "whatever". That never concerns me. 20 pounds does not lessen your beauty, Terry. Nor does losing 20 pounds. We are so much more than pounds and ounces.

Kat said...

I just going to say that I think you are beautiful. And I think you sell yourself short in a lot of different ways. And I'm really sorry about that...because you shouldn't. Love you lots.

Pip Pip Hooray said...

Hi there,
enjoyed your honesty... you're not alone that's for sure.
I think the biggest problem is the media and how it's such a huge part of society. We hear all the time about infidelity... partners cheating through the internet, with old friends, with neighbours, with the most famous golfers :)... so much so I think that it makes us all doubt more than we should.

What we dont' hear about or see are the committed relationships that don't let any such thing even come near affecting their relationship because they know what one moment of ego rising or orgasmic relief can do to a family.

You have no control over whether he'll betray you... but you do have control over the fear and the way it makes you feel.

I've been in your position and realised it was only hurting myself to go on feeling mistrust.

I trust that my partner will never willingly hurt our family and what we have and I believe in that with all my heart.

Your newest follower.
Pip :)