Friday, February 26, 2010

Forgive Me…

It’s time to suck it up and confess those weekly sins to Glamazon over at Glamazon Mormon Mom.  I know what you are thinking….what on earth would I have to confess?  I know…I am the nearest thing to a saint that you have stumbled upon for a long time, but we all have our secrets.  We all have those things that we say, or don’t say, or WANT to say….or things that we actually DO…..those things that maybe if we didn’t confess to, they might eat us up inside.  So, link on up and you will feel so much better after doing so!!  (Yes, you may thank me now for sending you to Glamazon)

Friday confessional
  • So,  first of all, I probably should confess that I am sitting in my newly found coffee shop watching the snow fall outside when I really should be working.  (shhhhhhhhh)
  • I have a three year old that thinks she has a princess ass and won’t sit on the potty.  No bribing, threatening or beatings have helped.  I’m feeling like a bad mom.
  • Sometimes I get the heebie-geebies when anyone touches me.  You know, when you are stressed and people are in your space??  When toddlers are literally attacking you and the the tween is gabbing a mile a minute and the spouse leans in for a kiss….I confess that at that moment I am thinking “what the fuck do YOU want????”
  • I seriously love my spouse despite all the times he pisses me off.  Without him I might not have very much blog fodder.  Just sayin…
  • I totally dropped the ball on my diet…errr…lifestyle change this week.  I thought I was doing well but when the scale barked that I was up 5 pounds I smashed the fucker into a kazillion pieces and now I need a new one.  From that moment on I have felt powerless over my weight. (and ashamed that my anger-management classes went to waste)
  • No….I am NOT “pregos” dear BFF!!  We’ve already established that my doc tied my tubes and he has a 99% success rate with that….so from this point on, the word “pregos” has been taken out of commission…forever.
  • I probably should confess for wanting to say “holy fucking monkey balls” when speaking to the tween.  Afterall, a 12 year old is quite impressionable and that would have been a very bad thing for her to learn.  I can see her repeating it the next time she gets a “lunch detention” for using up all her bathroom passes in one class and still needs to go…just one more time….
  • Sometimes when I say I have “cramps” I am just in the bathroom playing Bejeweled Blitz on my iPod.  And when the tween says, “I have to GO NOW!!” , I still make her wait until I’ve obtained the highest score.
  • Most people describe me as calm, sweet, relaxed…they say I have it all together all the time.  I confess that if they were a fly on the wall in my house they would be totally frightened for their lives.  Yes, it can get THAT bad.
  • When the spouse let me walk out of my tween’s band concert with the toddlers because they were acting up, and he stayed in there and enjoyed the concert….yeah, I pretty much wanted to whack him
  • I confess that sometimes I need my bloggy friends more than anything else….sometimes nothing can get me in a better mood more than sitting in a quiet coffee shop and reading the blogs that I follow!!  And I thank you all for coming back and reading my ramblings…..
Needless to say, this has been another hectic week with potty-training failure, diet failure, toddler craziness, and everything else that goes with being mom-wife-maid….So, I’m going to stop here…..

You go....I'll just stay here and rest my head for a little bit.......

Thank you once again, Glamazon, for I feel cleansed, refreshed… a huge weight has been lifted….and I’m ready to sin again start over and confess again next week be the best I can be!!  Bless you!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

What I Meant To Say…

Come link up with the Chief over at Hiding from the Kids!  Hurry up….she has threatened people with the MeMe Mafia or somthing like that!! 


Go!!  What are you waiting for?????

So, I’ve noticed that the tween doesn’t always wear her retainer.  Yeah, the one that is supposed to keep her pretty teeth in line after spending a few thousand dollars on expanders, braces and such.  I have been reminding her every time I notice.  A few weeks ago I asked her where it was.  She said…

“I lost it.”

I said, “huh??”

What I meant to say is>>>>

“Holy fucking monkey balls!!  Are you kidding me??  YOU, my sweet child, need to find it and I mean NOW!!  Check your book bag!!  Check under your bed!!  Check in your laundry basket!!  Check Check Check everywhere!!  Because, my darling first born, if you do not find that green sparkly molded piece of shit plastic I am going to make a new one for you myself and it ain’t gonna be pretty and it certainly won’t be painless!!  Do you understand????”

The retainer has since been found in her laundry.  Unfortunately, it has been out of her mouth long enough for her teeth to have shifted.  Someone said to have her force it in…yes, it will hurt, but it SHOULD HURT. 

It’s not like I can say we will just forget about it and not go back to the orthodontist because she still has an appliance on her bottom teeth!!  Yep…so there will be no getting out of this one, and she is sooooo not happy. 

What else can I say?  I do know that I will not be paying for another one.  And she can look her orthodontist in the eye and admit that she didn’t do as she was instructed. 

I think this will be one of the first times she is going to have to take full responsibility for her actions.  Up to this point, she has squeaked by……

Ohhhh….it’s hell growing up, isn’t it??

What The Hell???

Ahhh….Usually on What The Hell Wednesdays I am the one you hear saying WHAT THE HELL??!!  This week you will hear how my spouse came to say it….and I had nothing to give in response…imagine that!  If you want to play along, link up with these ladies over at Blue Monkey Butt.  You know what to do…click the button below….geeeesh…..what the hell??

Blue Monkey Butt

So, a week or so ago I was having a very trying day with the toddlers.  They were at each other’s throats, literally.  They were pulling hair.  They were throwing toys.  They were dumping the toys out from any and EVERY container.   They were, basically, acting like animals. 

Now, I have been trying very hard to not swear in front of them.  Seriously, this is a problem I have.  Shhhhhhh…..not everyone knows that. 

Anyways, before I spurted out every obscenity known to mankind, I spurted out this:
“Okayyyyyyyyy!  You two want to act like animals??  Huh??  Do ya??  Do you know where animals live??  Not in my house oh no they don’t!  They live at the zoo!  Yep, that’s right, the ZOO!  Do you want to live at the zoo??  Huh??? Do ya???”

Lil Lady:  “No No…..I don’t want to live at the zoo with animals.”

Little Man:  “huh?”  (he’s picked this up from his father…you ask a question…he says “huh?”)

Me:  Then you better quit acting like animals because I. Have. Had. Enough!!

So there you have it.  I got the situation  under control without using not ONE obscenity!!  Yeah me!!!
Now…here’s the tricky part.  Sometimes you say things thinking you are getting a point across yet not realizing that the other party is totally taking your word as the word of some Goddess or something.  After all, I AM THE MOM. 

This is what happened next:

This past Saturday the spouse had a grand idea of all of us going out to dinner.  I said, “Kids too??”  Of course he meant kids too.  What was I thinking??  A dinner with just the two of us?  Unheard of!

Unfortunately, it did not go as planned but that is a totally different post. What happened was that Lil Lady fell asleep way too late for her nap. The spouse said for me and the tween to just go but I knew this would come to bite me in the ass at a later time so we decided maybe we would just take Little Man with us which would sort of give the spouse a break with Lil Lady sleeping.

Nope…spouse decided we should wake the Lil Lady.  She does not like to be woken up.  It needs to be on her terms and her terms only.  She’s three for Pete’s sake!

So she fought…..she kicked….she cried….she kicked some more.  She didn’t care that she could have spaghetti at a restaurant.  She didn’t care that we were finally letting her out of the house.  You see, I keep my kids hidden indoors because sometimes they aren’t fit for public. 

Oh come on!!  I’m kidding!!  We just don’t get out much.  That’s all….so I figured she would be excited to go somewhere.  Afterall, she’s the one that begs to go with me any time I put my coat on!!!

She wasn’t settling down.  She wasn’t getting changed so I said fine…she could wear the lady bug dress that she’s had on for 3 days to dinner.  That helped a little bit.  She was still quite upset.  The spouse was getting ticked off.  He said, “I told you just to go with [the tween]!”  Blah Blah Blah….I knew better than to do that!!

Anyhooo….finally we are ready….the Lil Lady’s coat is on, her shoes are on. her hair is half brushed, and she’s standing by the door wringing her hands, sniffling….tears still sort of coming.  The spouse is saying, “Good Lord!!!  What is wrong with her?????”

I say, “Lil….what’s wrong??  Why on earth are you crying???”

Lil Lady says:  “Because I don’t want Daddy to take me to the zooooooooooooo…….whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!”


Little Man: “huh??”

The Tween:  ***eye roll***



Spouse to the Lil Lady:  “We are not going to the zoo, Lil.  Well, not today, but another day I will take you……”

Lil Lady: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Tween:  ***giggling now***

Spouse looks at me like I’ve grown two-heads as I explained about the acting-like-animals-threatening-to-take-them-to-live-at-the-zoo incident……

Spouse:  What the hell?????  (again)   Are you out of your mind????

Little Man: “huh?”

Me:  Well, I never said YOU would be the one to taken them……

So, lesson learned on my part.  Do not threaten very impressionable nervous-nellie toddlers that they will have to live at the zoo when they act like animals.

I am just hoping that when Spring comes that Lil Lady has recovered because I seriously would like to VISIT the zoo!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Stickies and Snails

Or shall I just say “sticky snails”??  Once again it’s time for Post-It Note Tuesday sponsored by Supah over at Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy.  If you don’t know, this is my most favorite day of the week for blogging!!  Link up if you wish!!


So, here’s the scoop.  My BFF (tween talk) very graciously gave my 3 year old a fish tank with several guppies in it because the Lil Lady was in awe over my BFF’s whenever we went over there.  Now the Lil lady spends hours gazing at her fish.  The BFF stated she thought all of the guppies were males therefore we would not have any mass reproduction going on.  So far we have sent one rounded-bellied fish down the disposal to the fish doctor, we have acquired 2 snails that fornicate constantly, the spouse has educated me on the fact that male snails (as opposed to snail mail) display their penises proudly on their HEADS, and it took the spouse several hours to clean the tank….yes, the same tank that BFF said she only had to clean a couple times a year!  (we’ve had it for one month….)

So, in honor of my BFF, the guppies and the snails, I bring you my Stickies for the week!


























Friday, February 19, 2010

Friday Confessional!!!

OMG!!  This is right up my alley!  I found this over at my sister’s blog 2010-Year of Miracles who found it over at Glamazon’s blog!  What an awesome idea for those of us who may have a truck-load a few confessions that they would like to get off their chests!!

I hear it’s soul-cleansing to confess over there to Glamazon, so I am going to give it a try!  Click here if you want to join me!!
  • I have found a new coffee shop that has free wi-fi and nobody knows where I am in the middle of my work day!!  I still love Caribou Coffee above all others, but my hide-out behind their shop is becoming too well-known by everyone so I needed to make a change.
  • I am not the most patient when dealing with my kids.  I often lose it enough so that the 3 year old has to say, “you don’t have to be mad at people.”
  • I often forget that I’ve washed a load of clothes and I have to rewash it when I find it 5 days later.
  • I lied when I said the chicken came without skin.  I ate it.
  • I could eat the skin off an ENTIRE turkey if no one was looking!
  • I went 12 days, 16 hours, 27 minutes, and 18 seconds with natural nails in hopes of saving up for a new laptop.  I was the biggest bitch.  My nephew fixed my laptop and now look…
  • The people in this “new coffee shop” are getting on my last nerve.  I am much happier in my car behind Caribou.
  • I am a slacker when it comes to my diet.
  • I have a 3 year old that won’t give up her binkie.  I’m embarrassed when people say something about it so I won’t let her have it outside of the house.
  • I have a tween that knows how to push my buttons and I really want to pummel her at times but I won’t because I would probably hurt her.
  • My spouse often gets on the nerve that the tween did NOT get on…yes, that would be my LAST nerve and I am not responsible for my actions at that time. 
  • I am now addicted to the Wii's Just Dance.  It took me by surprise, this addiction, but I have Shell over at Things I Can't Say to thank for this.  Thank you, Shell....
  • Sometimes I take pictures of people when they don’t even know it.  (and nooooo, this is not one of the nightshift workers!!  why would you think that??)

Well, THAT felt good!  I think Friday Confessional is a damn good idea!! 

Go check out Glamazon and link up!  You will feel so cleansed and be ready to start your weekend off sin-free!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Lose-It Update

I know…it’s been a little while since I updated for Lose It Bitches.  I am sorry.  I am a slacker.  And so far, I am not a skinny bitch.  Basically, this sucks!!

It’s been what?…six or seven weeks since I started this challenge with Lose It Bitches.  You can find them here, if you are interested in pissing yourself off totally a great weight loss challenge!

Seriously…I have just about had it.  I can’t seem to stay on track.  I’m not talking about sneaking a miniature Hershey bar here or there.  I am talking about eating everything in sight!!  I swear, if it’s there then I will eat it.

Yesterday I really had a low point.  From the time I got home at 3pm this is what I ate.  (yes, I logged it because that is what is supposed to be helpful):
  • handful of pretzels
  • 4 pringles
  • a yogurt with granola
  • 2 Hershey’s kisses
  • baked chicken breast WITH the skin
  • cauliflower and cheese sauce  (yum!!)
I eventually called in the big dogs, aka MY BESTEST FRIEND, and she said, and this was her exact text:

….step back….do not touch another item…..

This was good.  This was a nice way to say “WTF are you doing you fatass???”  Her next text was….

….wow…you are pregos…

THIS was bad…very bad.  Shame on her for even thinking such a thing!!  All I said was KILL ME NOW!!
Come on people…no way could I be “pregos” because my doc promised that he tied my tubes with the last monster child I gave birth to.  And if by chance his technique fails??  I will be at his front door with an oozie in 2.2 seconds I will make sure I get some money out of the failed procedure!!

Seriously now…I absolutely need to stop it with the excuses.  I CAN do this.  I just need a better plan.  I need to write out my meals.  Yeah…that should help.  See, right now I just go with the flow because that is all I have time for.  I wake up, grab my coffee and head to the shower.  By the time I am out I have to wake up the tween, get dressed, maybe start a load of laundry that I can rewash later in the week because I will forget to put it in the dryer, wake the tween again, deal with the 3 year old that thinks she needs to be up at the crack of dawn, wake the tween for a third or fourth time…..

….and on and on it goes.  By the time I think of eating something, the sitter is there and I haven’t eaten so I shovel a handful of pretzels in my mouth and it’s out the door.  This sucks!!

I usually don’t bring a lunch.  If I do, I forget about it and just bring it back home with me.  Sometimes I will get an oatmeal from Caribou along with my White Chocolate Mocha No Whip Please which is not horrible for a lunch.  Sure beats fast food!!

For dinner it’s been hit or miss.  Seriously….I feed the kids and that’s about it.  The poor spouse has to find something on his own because my brain is fried and by that time I just have nothing left to give. 

This is crazy, yes??  And have I said how much it SUCKS????

So, I am going to take the time to write out a meal plan and eat only what is on my plan.  I am going to concentrate on my water intake too.  In fact….this is fun….I found an iPod app that helps you track your water intake!!  Cool, huh??  It’s called “Water your Body”!!


Ok..that is NOT my weight on that screen shot!!  Although mine is not much better, it’s still less than that.  I am currently at 168 and that’s with a zero loss in the past week.  I’m down 6 pounds from when I started…6 or 7 weeks ago….that SUCKS!! 

Also, my exercise has been nil.  You heard me…..NIL!!  I cannot seem to walk away from the toddlers.  The spouse is not helpful…bottom line…he is happiest when I’m the one taking care of them.  So how do I exercise with 2 toddlers interfering??  I am going to have to find a way some how….some where….I HAVE to….

So there you have it…my drama with my weight loss…or lack there of.  Again, I KNOW I can do this.  I just have to keep telling myself that.

I hope those of you who are trying to lose it, are losing it…those of you who have lost it….congrats….and those of you who are on the verge of  MENTALLY losing it…you are not alone!!  I’m the head of that club!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What I Meant to Say to Sears #2 for the day because I just can't resist playing What I Meant To Say Wednesdays with Chief over at Hiding from the Kids!  Click below to link up and play along!!

So, this week I had an absurd interesting conversation with Sears about my current bill.  I tried to tell them that when they increased my rate I was quite upset.  They said, "I am so sorry".
Then when I told them that with the increase in rate and the decrease in limit, my monthly minimum due was too much for me to handle because most of my payment was going toward the finance charges.  Again, they said, "I am sorry".

I thought we were gettting somewhere since they were "so sorry".  I was wrong.  The man said there was nothing he could do for me.  The minimum amount was due on the 17th.  Period.  I was getting irate yet trying to stay calm.  I told him I kept my Sears card because they have always been good to me.  He said..."I am sorry this is happening to you."  Oh yeah...he was sorry alright.  If he wasn't yet sorry, he was sure gonna be.

He finally said, "How about if I connect you to someone who could maybe explain why we can't do anything at this time?"  Sure, that was just peachy.  "But," he said...."before I do that, would you be interested in our payment protection plan that includes us waiving your payments for 6 months to a year of you becoming disabled or hospitalized or out of work?  The cost would be $0.99 for each $100 of your balance.....the payment would be added to your balance so it wouldn’t be a separate bill…."
Aaaaaaaaand.....THIS is where I lost it!!

I said, "What did you just say??"

What I meant to say was THIS:

"What the fuck are you talking about??  Are you fucking serious??  I am trying to NOT pay as much on my bill yet you offer me a scam program that will up my balance causing my minimum to go up???  The minimum that I cannot currently pay?  What fucking planet are you from??  Do you have even one goddamn freakin brain cell in that head of yours?  Did they train you to be this ridiculously stupid or does it come naturally for you??”

****deep breath…trying to be calm…****

“So, no, SIR, I am not interested in your fucking payment protection plan, your credit scam plan or any other fucking plan you may offer unless it helps me to either NOT have to pay you another fucking cent, OR it causes you so much physical ailment that you need months of rehab at the place where I have to work a second job on nightshift in order to pay my bills in the first place!! “

“Because, MISTERASSMONKEY, if you were MY patient???  Yeah, you'd be oh so very sorry you ever uttered the words "payment-protection-plan" in my case.  So, if you are done with your barrel of bullshit you are handing me, I would like to talk to your supervisor and get this matter straight.”

****just wait….not done yet****but feeling so much better already****

“If your supervisor is not as helpful as I think he needs to be, you can kiss your lovely job good-bye and call your fucking creditors so they can tell YOU how sorry THEY are for your fucking hardship!!  Maybe THEY will offer YOU the payment-fucking-protection-plan due to your new-onset disability!!  Ya never know!!  So……Fuck you very much and have a nice day.  Oh, and thank you kindly for NOT helping me on this glorious day!!"

Wow…thank you, Chief, for this opportunity!!  You totally rock!  If others haven’t been to her blog yet…hop on over, you won’t be sorry!

Have a day filled with assmonkeys that give you reason to play What I Meant To Say Wednesday next week  sunshine!!


I absolutely love Wednesdays mostly because of the opportunity to share one of my many What The Hell?? moments thanks to the gals over at Blue Monkey Butt!!  They have given me permission to just let it rip!!  Thank you sincerely!  If you want to play, click the pic below and link up!!

Blue Monkey Butt

So….this past weekend was spent doing laundry…and tons of it.  For the life of me I cannot figure out who wears all these clothes!  The tween seems to wear and re-wear the same things….hell, I’ve even caugh her taking them out of the dirty clothes…..the spouse…well, he seems to have alot of clothes on the bedroom floor so there shouldn’t be too much of his to wash either. right?  And the toddlers??  Well….they have enough clothes for an entire year without repeating an outfit…so why wash??

Anywho…..I have a love/hate or maybe it’s just a love/fuck you relationship with my washer and dryer.  Yes, they are beautiful front-loaders.  Yes, I can get alot in them at one time.  Yes….they get my clothes clean.  These are the things I love about them.  When we bought them we were told they would hold a queen-sized comforter.   Awesome!!  I won’t have to take my comforter anywhere to get washed!!  Well, that was a dream….

The first time I stuck my comforter in there it kept making the washer shake, rattle and roll.  Then when I stuck it in the dryer, it was too fluffy and it kept popping the door open!!


Yeah.  So, needless to say, I haven’t tried putting any more comforters in them.

One thing that continually gets on my last nerve is when I open the washer and everything in there seems to have fallen in love with another piece of clothing and they have intertwined themselves with each other making it impossible to get them to the dryer.  This past weekend was no different other than me losing my cool and ordering the spouse to get his ass in there and transfer the clothes to the dryer before I did something outrageous!!!  You see…when you try to dislodge the clothes from the washer, they end up falling on the floor.  It’s involves ALOT of bending down and picking them up…over and over and OVER!!  And this, my friends, is way more exercise than my fat ass would like to do on a Saturday!!




And they are all twisted up as if they have just made mad passionate love in my washer…..yuk!!  So I try to transfer them in one big freakin heap which doesn’t quite work….they just won’t let go of eachother!!  It’s fucking ridiculous!!



And it goes on and on and on for about 7 –8 loads….most of my weekend is shot.  I am in no mood for anything else.  The laundry totally uses up my last bit of strength.   It wasn’t supposed to be this way….the salesman was so SURE I was going to love them….

If anyone has figured out how to successfully tackle the front-loaders without hurting yourself or anyone else, please share your wisdom, it would be greatly appreciated!!