Friday, April 22, 2011

My Nut Just Got Washed

This has been Hell Week #37 out of week #16, 2011….is that alot of Hell Weeks, or what?  Seriously…I SOOOO need this:


I confess that when I got a call from my supervisor when I was on the way to work telling me I needed to be “floor nurse” at 11, I nearly puked.



I confess that I am not that efficient working the floor at the new place because….and I say this with teeth clenched….I HAVE NEVER BEEN TRAINED TO WORK THE FLOOR AT THE NEW PLACE.

Just sayin…

I was told I would only be on the floor passing meds until 3pm.  Ok…I can do this, right? 

I confess….it did NOT go well.

I confess that as 5pm rolled around and there was no relief in sight….once again, I wanted to puke.




What the fuck??


I am part of what they call the “management team”.  I am in charge of Restorative.  I am in charge of investigating incidents that occur in the building.  I do some management “things”….

I am NOT a floor nurse/charge nurse at this facility.  That is why I HAVE NEVER BEEN TRAINED TO WORK THE FLOOR AT THIS PLACE.

I confess that when a family member told me she was told by a nursing assistant that “we don’t have a wheelchair to take your mother in law down to get her hair done”….my jaw dropped.

Are we not a muther truckin REHAB FACILITY???





…Kill me now.

I confess I wanted to take that nursing assistant by the throat and throttle her overly-tanned orangey-looking face to the fuckin’ moon!

I confess that at 5:30 after texting my spouse that I was being held captive I would not be able to pick up the short people from the sitter’s, I was fighting back tears.

I confess that when the sweetest nurse on this earth came over from the other unit to help me out, I lost it.

I cried and hid in the med room for several minutes before coming out and busting ass to finish the assignment.

I confess that I logged in to the computer to do what they call “Medicare Charting”, I basically said, FUCK THIS! and logged back off.


In MY position, I know how to CHECK to see if the Medicare charting is DONE…now HOW it’s done. 

Now, this was THE day from hell.   But…let me tell you a story.  One of the residents needed to use the bathroom.  Ok…I can DO that.  I assisted him to walk into the bathroom.  Gave him privacy although I kept the door cracked so I could keep an eye on his unsteady self.  When he was ready to get up I popped in and began helping him.  All of a sudden though, this man’s legs weren’t working.  He had no balance although he kept saying he was fine.  As I said, one of my REAL jobs here is to monitor the “incidents”.  That means FALLS!!  Oh hell no, this man was NOT falling on the Restorative Nurse!!

I couldn’t leave him to get help although I did pull the bathroom call light in hopes there was someone who may come.  Ya never know…..

No one came. 

Then this fella said, “Oh I better flush again…it didn’t work the last time.”  Just as I was saying, “Noooooo…..!”, he turned and flushed.  Then he lost his balance and had to sit again.  The water, instead of going DOWN….started to come UP!  I had that the-toilet-is-over-flowing-panic moment and screamed, “GET UP GET UP GET UP!!!!!”



Holy fuck I was going to be standing in shit with this man and there was nothing I was going to be able to do because this man was NOT going to end up on the floor!!  No way No how!!!

Well, the water stopped coming up…it only made it to the rim, thank God.  The panic was settling although I was still wondering if anyone was ever coming to help….and this man, bless him, he says, “Well….my nut just got washed.”


I laughed my ass off.

And I laughed some more.

And by God, THIS was the moment I needed all fucking day!

So…although it was a hell-ish day, this old man with his awesome wit…he MADE MY DAY.

And THIS, I confess, is why I’m a nurse in the first place.

(and,  just so you know, help DID come….but only after I called the nurse’s station from my cell phone that we are not supposed to have with us while working….imagine THAT.)

Thank you, Ladies, for the opportunity once again to confess.  I feel cleansed and ready to work my part-time job tomorrow…THIS job I AM a floor nurse, and I CAN do it!!



Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ten Years Ago

Do you ever look back and think of how far you’ve come in a decade??  I normally do not.  I try to look forward.

Always, always…..ALWAYS look FORWARD.

But today…

…today is special to me.

Ten years ago today I was working somewhere else.  I was not married to the man I am married to today.  I had a Dad AND a Mom who were both still living.  I had a different group of friends.  Some of them I still have….others??  Yeah….not so much.

But most importantly, I was ready to become a Mom for the second time.

I remember it being a pretty uneventful pregnancy.  Sure, there were things that made me go “hmmmmm”….but isn’t there always something like that when you’re pregnant?  Is THIS normal?  Is THAT normal?  Should I be having THIS pain….or THAT pain?? 

All of my prenatal visits went without alarm.  My baby was growing…my baby’s heartbeat was good….my baby was moving as he should be inside there.

I was not worried.  Why would I be?  I had my first born, my daughter, who is now 13 1/2 going on 24.  She was always a good baby.  She was 3…..almost 4 at the time.  We were preparing her to be a “big sister”!!  Yeah for you, baby girl!!  You are going to be a big sister!  You will get to teach your baby brother all that you know!  Aren’t you thrilled??  What a big job that is going to be.  And only YOU can do it…because YOU are going to be the BEST big sister I know! 




My daughter was ecstatic that she was going to be the one her little brother was going to look up to.  She was going to teach him his colors and his numbers and maybe even sing to him.  She was THREE, ya know….and she could do it all.  She loved him even before he was “real”.


…there was a problem.

On the morning of April 17th, 2001, I woke up.  I got ready for work as usual.  I got my daughter off to the sitter’s as usual.  Sent the spouse off to work as usual.  But wait…what was that weird feeling I was having in my upper back?  That was an odd one, yes it was.  Thought maybe some indigestion….

…took some Tums and off to work I went.  I started seeing my patients yet in the back of my mind was that uncomfortable feeling in my upper back that I just couldn’t seem to forget about.  Was my little baby’s foot stuck up under my rib??  Was he pushing on my lung?  Is that even possible?

A little bit after 10am I called my obstetrician.  My regular one was not in so I spoke with one of the other doctors  in the office.  He didn’t seem concerned although he suggested I come in for him to check things out.  He asked if I felt the baby move lately…..

No.  No I don’t recall feeling any movement, but I normally didn’t feel much until I was ready to sleep…THAT is when he became active.  So, I was not going to get all worked up now.

I finished the patient visit I was on and drove over the doctor’s office.  I sat in the exam room for just a short while which seemed like ages because by this point I was worried at the no movement comment.  Why isn’t my baby moving?  I’m sitting….I’m trying to be calm….come on little guy….move it!

The doc came in.  He felt around my large abdomen.  Did I mention I was 37 weeks along?  Yep.  Soon…very soon I would be the Mom of two.

The doc then got out the doppler.  He listened.  Well…we BOTH listened. 

And listened.

And listened.



Total…deafening….heart-breaking SILENCE.

The doc looked at me.

I looked at him.

A little bit of me died inside as I KNEW, even though he was sending me for an immediate ultrasound, I KNEW what was happening.

I remember calling my work place.  They asked if I was ok.  I said no.  Just….No. 

I remember calling my husband at the time.  I couldn’t speak.  The nurse spoke for me and the next thing I knew he was there and we were on our way to the hospital for the ultrasound.

I do not remember getting to the hospital, or walking into the ultrasound room.  I only remember the silence when they put the monitor on my belly. 

The fucking, sickening, disgusting SILENCE of no heartbeat.

Later that evening I had a C-section and delivered a beautiful 3 pound 1 ounce baby boy, Nathaniel Joseph Guzik.  He was not breathing, he had no heartbeat…but he was beautiful.

Today he would be 10. 

I hope and pray he is up there in his heaven….with his Daddy…I hope they are maybe fishing, or riding bikes, or just sitting and eating cake.

And to you, Nathan, I send this song:



And to my three children on this earth…The Teen, Lil Lady, and Little Man….



Ten Years Ago….seems like a lifetime, yet….I can feel it as if it was yesterday.

It’s okay to look back once in a while.  It’s okay.  Because wherever we have been…is why we are where we are today.

Hug your children, your family, your friends….

…you never know what tomorrow may bring.


Happy Birthday, Nathan!!  I love you!!



Monday, April 4, 2011


I am seriously concerned that I haven’t blogged for so long.  All since starting my new job.  Now….so much happens every single horrendous day that I have no idea what to blog about because I really don’t want to ramble or anything like that, and I wouldn’t want to bore you, and well, yeah….I can be long-winded…Oh, puh-leeease, yes, I can…..

Anyrambling…here goes it….

Do I blog about how my house is infested with germs?  You know the kind…the ones that make toddlers’ noses drain constantly with snot, or the ones that make Little Man have explosive diarrhea….or the ones that made me lay in bed last Friday evening moaning and groaning and chanting the mantra “I will not puke I will not puke I will not puke”.  Yeah, THOSE germs.  I have just about had it with illness.  Seems that every other week one of us has some sort of bug…and that does not include the bug that seems to be up the spouse’s ass….

OOOOOHHHHHH For PETE’S SAKE!!  I’m kidding you!!  I would be the one with the bug up MY ass!!  You got it….I’m sick.  Sick and tired of shit in my house.  Every where I look there is shit.  Stacks and stacks upon stacks of SHIT!  Should I blog about that?  Nahhh….who gives a flying shit??  Apparently nobody that lives here.


Shall I blog about my last on-call weekend?  The one where the new nursing supervisor called me, the “Nurse Mangangercough cough..On-Call”, telling me he needs help hanging the TPN for the one patient. 

TPN(For those of you non-medical people…TPN stands for Total Parental Nutrition.  It’s someone’s FOOD!  Their SUSTANANCE for Pete’s sake…..)

Ok….at first, no big deal other than he JUST took the bag of TPN out of the fridge at 11pm (when he decided to call for assistance), and it should have been out of the fridge warming up at 8pm cuz you don’t infuse COLD fluids eh-vahhh….go figure, 3 hours late already. 

I politely (because that’s me, PO-lite) ask his possibly foreign self if I could talk him through mixing the TPN over the phone and then hanging it.  You see, you have to mix other things into the primary mixture….like vitamins and sometimes insulin.  He said, “um….no, Ma’am……….”   Wha-WHAAAT???  Hold it right THERE, Fucker!  Did you just call me “MA’AM”????  K…this is already not going well.

Regardless, I ignore the fucking “ma’am” comment (because I am more mature than that) and let him continue…He says, “No, Ma’am, I tink you need to come een an show me.  It will be en educatin for me.” 


Oh, Mr. In Need of an Education…..YOU should be fully educated at this point since YOU have had plenty of orientation, and YOU already have your nursing license, do you not???

Seriously?  My first thought was ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

I tell him I will call him back shortly since we have to wait for the TPN to warm up any ways, you fucking jerk!

I tell my husband what this guy just said….His response??




Me….nope…no kidding here, honey bun.

I call MY supervisor to ask what the fuck kind of nurses she is hiring ask for direction.  Her response?

imagesCAJK141Z                          ?????


Me…Chuckling a bit now.

I text my sister who now works with me at my wonderful place of employment because I am training her for a marathon I sort of coerced her a bit….

Her response via text?




I kid you not!  I was rolling on the god-damn floor at this point!  I’ve never heard “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??”  so many times in just a few short minutes!!


I text my other supervisor because she always has some sort of plan up her sleeve, cuz she rocks like that.  Her response??

You got it!!


Ahhhhhhhahahahahahaha!  At this point I start looking for the hidden camera because I am damn certain I am on Candid Camera because there is NO fucking WAY this is happening to me at ELEVEN PM on a SATURDAY night when all good girls and boys should be in bed!!!

All in all, it ended well.  I didn’t need to go educate the fucker because we had an LPN at the facility that really needs to be an RN, and she was able to talk him through it. 


I could also blog about some of the call-offs I received that weekend.  Some of the reasons people call off are truly amazing. For one thing, if it’s something really personal….are you gonna come right out and say WHAT it is??  This is what I mean…

“I’m calling off because I am mentally not stable to work.  I have a lot of things going on.  I was raped and robbed this weekend and I’m working through it.”


Me:  Oh…ummm…Ok, honey…you take care of yourself…..




“I won’t be in to work today because my chest hurts.  Well, not my chest…it’s not chest pain or anything like that.  It’s….well….ok, it’s my titty.  Yes, I have pain in my titty.”

Me:  Holy fucking hell….that sounds serious.  Did you say, TITTY??




Honestly…if I had pain in MY titty…I would NOT report it as my reason to call off…I think I might say I am ill.  That. Is. All. 

After several call-offs, my response resembled THIS….



La-La-La!!   I can’t HEAR YOU!!

We now have a new slogan at my work-place.  On that following Monday, our “management team” put our heads together and this is what we came up with…..we even made buttons promoting it….


What do YOU think? 

Seriously…I love my job, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!


Happy MONDAY!!