Friday, April 30, 2010

Gotta Love a Tween

I will definitely link up with Glamazon and confess my sins of the week, but first I have a few stories to show you where I’m coming from.  (See below for the link up!) 

I swear to the Holy Person upstairs that the tween has GOT to be one of a kind!!

My sister reminded me of this one just a couple days ago. 

A few years back the tween was diagnosed with ADD….Not ADHD because she does not have the hyperactivity part of the disorder.  She really has a mild case, on MOST days, but damn, on other days I would swear she is nothing less than Strawberry Shortcake  with an unpredictable personality disorder!

At one point I was really trying to understand the diagnosis of ADD.  I wanted to do what was best for her.  I wanted to learn all their was to learn so that I could help her in any way I could.  I spent time online researching.  I bought a few books on parenting a child with ADD/ADHD.  One of these such books was in my car when I went to pick her up from her dance class.

Me:  How was class?

Tween: Good.  Can we get McDonald’s?

Me: Ummm…ok.

Tween:  I’ll have a 10 piece with fries and a sweet tea.

Me:  Sure.

Tween:  No, make that a 6 piece.  I’m not that hungry.

Me:  Fine.

We pull up to the window to order.  I get a couple words out of my mouth and she says, “No, wait!!  I’ll have a cheeseburger, plain.”

Me:  Fine.  But does that mean with or without cheese? (Because with her you need to ASK or you will get it wrong)

Tween:  Without.  (See what I mean?)

Me: Then it’s a hamburger.

Tween:  Forget it.  I’ll have the nuggets.  10 of them.  Did you know that one of the kids at school is a smoker?

Me:  No, I did not.  That’s not good.

Tween:  And he’s been living here only a couple of months.

Me:  Ok….

Tween:  And he has 3 dogs, 4 cats, and a snake.  But he smokes.

Me:  *silence*

Tween:  And he has  a girlfriend but it’s not me.

Me:   ….ummmm….good?  Bad?  Good for his animals…bad for the smoking…I think.  And good you’re not his girlfriend…yes, this is definitely good.

The tween then notices the books on the floor.  She picks the one up titled, “Parenting the ADD/ADHD child” and starts flipping through it.  I didn’t think anything of it.  After all, she wears a medication patch for her ADD that I slap on her ass each morning as I try to get her up for school.  We’ve also gone for counseling.

She puts the book down.



me: What?

Tween:  Who has ADD??

Me:  What do you mean “who has ADD???”

Tween:  Well, you have that book.

Me:  Are you (fucking) kidding me??  Seriously??

Tween:  *silence*

Me:  Honey…that would be you that has ADD.  You know, patch on the ass?  Long talks with Matt (psychologist)??

Tween:  Ok…that’s ok with me. 

Me:  Ok, honey…cuz it’s ok with me too.

Tween:  Did you get cheese on my burger or not?



Tween:  Ok…that’s good…..did you get sauce???

Wow!!!  Hard to follow along here?  Yeah…that’s why I love her.

So, yesterday she comes home from school asking if we can run to CVS to buy these animal shaped rubber bands.  I realllllly didn’t want to go for this.  It’s just another thing that is popular with the kids in her school…and by the month of June it will no longer be popular.  I told her not today.  She whined….

Me:  I really don’t have the money for that right now.  I don’t get paid until Friday.

Tween:  They aren’t that much.  It’s just up at CVS.

Me:  I get paid Friday…we’ll go then.

Tween:  Pleassssse!?  I’ll sweep the floor.

Me:  Go ahead, but that doesn’t mean we are going.

She sweeps the floor. 

Tween:  Can we go now?

Me:  I didn’t say I was taking you.  Did you put away your clothes?

Tween:  I’ll do that right now!!

Me:  Ok…but that doesn’t mean I’ll take you tonight.

She puts away her clothes; sets the table when asked, helps clean up the toddler disaster….

Tween:  Mom….

Me:  What?

Tween:  Can we go after dinner?

Me:  Go where?

Tween:  You said you’d take me to get the rubber bands!!

Me:  I did?  I don’t think so.  I said I don’t get paid until Friday.

Tween:  Please???  I have $13.

Me….sonofafreakinbitch!!!  Not said to her face.  Said in my head.  How can I not take her now if she has her own money? 

So I take her.  No animal shaped rubber bands to be found at CVS.  The cashier says she heard they have them at the CVS in the city 20 minutes away.  I can see the tween’s brain computing this…..

I say thank you to the stupid-ass cashier for putting that idea in my tween’s head.  I look at the tween and say, “ab-so-lute-ly NOT!” 

We did stop at Office Max (that’s in our town)…she found some rubber bands of different shapes but not exactly what she wanted.  She bought them anyways because it was better than nothing.  She also bought some mechanical pencils that she promised to share with me.  I love me some niiiiiice mechanical pencils!!


We get home, pull in the garage, and she says, “Can we go tomorrow to the other CVS where that lady said they have the rubber bands?”


Tween (at the same time I am screaming Noooooooo) WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????



Me:  Listen here…tomorrow is Thursday.  You just spent all your money on the half-assed animal shaped rubber bands which means you are broke and I don’t get paid until when???  FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Tween:  Oh…okay.  Then maybe on Friday you can take me? 

Wow….enough….I’m done with rubber bands of any kind.  She’ll have to walk if she wants to get there.

So, in honor of Glamazon and Friday Confessional…here you have it:

I confess I was dumbfounded the tween didn’t know she was the one with ADD.  Why on earth would I slap a medication patch on her ass every morning??  Huh??  Or did she think that was my method of waking her up?  Asmack on the ass is usually how the spouse greets ME….but I don’t usually greet my children this way, especially first thing in the morning.

I confess that I seriously wanted to knock her block off when she asked if we could run to the other CVS to get the rubber bands the following day…..short term memory loss??

I confess that I laughed my ass off when I hollered NOOOOOOOOOO!  and she hollered WHYYYYYYYYYYY?  Seriously…it was pretty funny.  Even my Sis thought so because I was actually on the phone with her at the time.  I think she thinks I’ve lost my marbles.  Actually, I think my Sis wishes she was me…40-something Mom, 2 toddlers and an ADD Tween….yeah, she definitely wants to be me.

I also confess that I do almost anything in my power to keep my kids happy, and if it’s rubber bands then it’s rubber bands….I can handle it.  I did get the floor swept and the table set and the toddler toys picked up and the tween’s clothes put away in exchange, right??

And most of all, I confess that when the tween was in the bathroom screaming her bloody head off I had visions of her bleeding to death from trying to shave her legs for the first time.  I was horrified at the sound coming from behind the closed door.  She let me in…..AND….this was way worse than her bleeding to death….


Seriously…is all this stress necessary in my life? 

I also confess that I took the iPod back to the store I bought it from, lied through my teeth explained to them that it just “quit working” and gave me a “white screen of death”….They tried to restore it without success.  Then they nicely replaced it through the manufacturer’s warranty!!!  OMG!!  I love them!!

Last confession??  I am NOT telling the tween that I got her iPod replaced for a very long time.  She needs to do some serious ass-kissing!!

That’s all I’ve got this week for confessions…well, almost all I’ve got….yeah…I’m not gonna tell you EVERYTHING!!  Geeesh!  I have a reputation to protect!!

So, go link up and enjoy the cleansing feeling you get after confessing!!

Friday confessional

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Job Security

Time to link up with Chief over at Hiding from the Kids and Blue Monkey Butt…..I always try to do one of these, like Chief’s What I Meant to Say….but then it always turns out I end up saying WHAT THE HELL???  So I then link up with Blue Monkey Butt’s What the Hell Wednesdays!!  In my opinion…the two go hand in hand!!

Blue Monkey Butt

So…pick ONE or BOTH, but please go link up!!  Show the other linkers some love!

This week of What I Meant to Say and What the Hell Wednesday is dedicated to my second job….the job that is supposed to be my “cake job” which is NOT my “cake job” but more of a pain in the arse!! 
Seriously….I deal with such crap there that it even amazes me, and it usually takes quite a bit to get me riled.

Last Saturday I worked the day shift.  The key words here are DAY and SHIFT.  Yes…it was from 6am-2:30pm.  I personally think 6 am is too early, but the way the meds are timed, it works just right for getting report and passing the morning meds on time.  The meals fit in there just right too.  AND when 2:30 rolls around, you still have most of your day to enjoy if you so choose!!

The nurse that I worked with on that particular day was not one I normally work with.  She’s a regular full-timer there, but I’ve never worked up in the front of the nursing home with her before.  Therefore, I don’t know what she normally does.  On this lovely Saturday, she apparently was having a difficult time doing her job, period. 

I was busy passing meds, answering lights, taking people to the bathroom, stopping to assist one lady to get her blouse on….wheeling people to the dining room for breakfast….and on and ON and ON I went until I realized I hadn’t seen the other nurse in a while.  I was even answering lights over on her section. 

WHAT THE HELL?  Where the hell was she???

Anyways, I didn’t have time to find her.  I just kept on moving, doing what I had to do to get the job done.  Because after morning meds, it’s charting and more answering of lights and then comes 11am meds, then noon meds….lunch…and so forth. 

All of a sudden I notice the other nurse coming down the hall where there is only 3 residents….but ALOT of empty beds.  She seemed “ok”…not sure what room she came out of.  She was visible for all of about 45 minutes to check on a few things.  At this point I went on a little break.  I figured it was safe to run outside for a few moments because she was there.

When I came back in…..she was gone……AGAIN.

I asked around…..where did Disappearing Nurse Ms. R. go??  All I got in response is “I don’t know”, or “I haven’t seen her”…..

Ohhhh…..about 1 1/2 hours later I spot her coming out of one of the empty rooms from down the hall. WHAT?!? Huh…wonder what she was doing in THERE???  You got any idea?

I tried so hard not to jump to conclusions even though as she wrapped her sweater more snuggly around her body because I’m sure as she woke up and removed the blanket came from where ever she was, she felt a slight change in temperature….

I can’t believe this shit!!

This nurse was obviously napping for most of the shift.  I was appalled!!  As I said at the beginning of this post, this was DAY SHIFT!!!  I understand, sort of, the bouts of napping you find on the nightshift, but DAMN!!  It’s dayshift!!!  Do you hear me???  DAY-SHIFT!!  Wowwowowow!!

Seriously, if you are too tired to do the job…stay home!  And if you are stupid enough to sleep during DAY SHIFT….then SHIT like THIS can happen:

Ok…so it was the weekend, and no managers were around, but there is always plenty of family that comes to visit their loved ones on the weekend!  Holy mother eff’ing dandelions!!  This was totally amazing to me.

I said to her, “While you were *cough*cough* on break, Mrs. L needed an aerosol treatment.  I gave it.  Mr. J. needed pain med, I gave it, and Mr. X nearly fell on his ass using the urinal but I happened to be walking by so I saved his butt.”


Listen her monkey-butt with your patterned haircut…I medicated your patients while you were sleeping.  I saved Mr. X from landing on his ass which in turn saved you tons of fucking paper work as well as an explanation as to where you were hiding.  You may have the other staff here fooled, but I’m no jackass.  I KNOW you were sleeping in the empty room down the 300 hall.  How do I know?  Well, your wrinkled clothes are an indication, but the blanket you left on the bed is a dead give-away!!  And as for the meds that you say you gave Ms. M yesterday…yeah, there was no way you could have done that because THEY ARE STILL IN THE MEDICATION CARD!!  Fucking ass-monkey….why don’t you throw your license in the trash over there because that’s where it’s gonna end up anyways!"

Seriously, people…who in their right minds thinks this is ok??  We are talking about a NURSE here…someone who is PAID good money to take care of the elderly population. 

And just so you know, I did mention this to a supervisor who apparently is already aware of this nurses behavior, and when I asked why she is allowed to continue working there, I was told, “Because no one will write it up.”


Seriously???  Here I am TELLING her…should she not write it up herself??  Apparently not.  And she didn’t ask me to write it up either which is a good thing too.  I did my part, yet I won’t put myself in the position to have my tires shot out or my brake line cut!!  This is one hard-assed nurse I’m talking about here. 

I guess that is how she gets away with it.  Who the fuck knows.

All I know is that people continue to blow my mind with the audacity to do as they please….with the mind-set of doing only the minimal necessary to JUST. GET. BY.  Where are the people that go above and beyond??  Where are they?  Take a stand, people!!  Just because others are getting away with this type of behavior, that doesn’t mean you should also give it a shot!  Yes, I would have loved to be sleeping during DAY SHIFT last Saturday also, but I abide by nursing ethics!!  Damn!  Some people should NOT become nurses.  In fact, some people shouldn’t even be allowed to call themselves human!!

Damn ass-jackets!

Sometimes it’s embarrassing to be associated with “nurses”…especially when they act like this one does. 
The highlight of my day was when one of HER patients called me her “angel”…and thanked me profusely for taking care of her that day.  She has NO IDEA I wasn’t even her nurse.  Imagine that!  This is what I call JOB SECURITY!!

Alrighty!!  go link up and enjoy the other posts and have a great Wednesday!!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Stick THIS, Jillian!

It’s time to link up with Supah over at Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy for Post-It Note Tuesday!  Wooooo hooooo!!!  I love this day more than any other!  And it has nothing to do with my lighter work-load on Tuesdays…I swear it doesn’t!


So, I should be on day#3 of Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred….but I consider myself on day #2 since I could barely move yesterday after doing day #1 on Sunday.  If it matters at all, I still did a few sit-ups yesterday since my abs were the least sore.  AND I did a few lifts of the 2# dumbells…..yeah…that was all I could manage…..












So, you got the picture?  I. Am. Sore. 

My new best friend….


Work has been quite aggravating today.  I normally don’t have much to say about it other than how low my patient load is, but today I think my supervisor has gone off the deep end.  One voice mail after another after another……..









Ahhhh….I see a new doctor on Thursday.  This ought to be interesting!  He’s actually my spouse’s endocrinologist.  I’m going with high hopes that he can tell me why I can’t stay awake without drugs (drugs meaning Claritin D, of course) and why I’m in such pain (prior to the Jillian torture).





































Go visit my Sis at 2010-Year of Miracles…you won’t be sorry!            

So, think of me tonight as I tackle day #2 of the 30-Day Shred, and think of me Thursday as I tackle the new doc…Hopefully he understands that my reason for hobbling in there is not my normal state of being.  Again…I will have to blame Jillian.

Everyone have a great day!  Post-it Note away with Supah and enjoy your week!!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Ow…and Double Ow

Ok…what I came here to say today is that Jillian Michaels can kiss my ass!!  Oh yeah….I’ve had it.  I see her on the Biggest Loser and think, WTF Lady??  Why do you have to yell at those fat people?  It’s NOT THEIR faults they are the way they are!  It’s NOT!!  So stop it.  Stop. It. Right. NOW.  Just because you have flat abs and buns of steel….who the fuck cares?  Huh?   Do you think you are better than we are?  Huh?  Just because your thighs don’t touch and your butt doesn’t jiggle??  Does that give you the right to belittle us??

On a side note, today will be day TWO of my 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels. 

Yeah, I broke down and bought the DVD.  Only to see what all the hype was about.   The workout is not that long…I think it took like 25 minutes or something like that.  Basically she has you doing normal exercises… know, push-ups, squats, running in place trying to touch your heels to your ass.  She tests you to see how quickly your can get up from doing sit-ups to jumping jacks.  Well, she doesn’t TEST you, but if you are like me, you miss half the jumping jacks because it takes you just a little longer to get up off the floor.  It’s pretty much basic awesome routine of multiple exercises all jammed into a short time period.

Pretty much basic enough that I can’t even start my car today without wincing in pain.  I can’t lift my mocha to my parched lips either.

I can handle exercise…but it’s the damn squats that get me.  Is this position normal?  Should I be able to do it?  Of course I should!  Especially if THIS guy can!!

I am totally dreading today when I tackle day 2 of the Shred.  I’m not sure how I can do it when every muscle in my body is aching.  Every joint says “FUCK YOU!!”  I’m not even sure how I’m typing right now because even my little pinky says, “ow….”

I think my spouse is secretly laughing behind my back.  In fact, I KNOW he is. 

I wake up this morning and walk out of the bedroom.  He says good morning.  I say…


I continue onto the bathroom holding my coffee cup with 2 hands so as not to over-use the muscles of one hand……with each step I mutter….

“ow…fuck you….ow again….shit…”

I could swear I heard him chuckling ever so lightly…..

I set my coffee on the sink top gingerly….trying not to bend over too much to do this.  Yes, I have to BEND to put down my coffee because my biceps and pectoral muscles are frozen.  I pull down my lovely flannel pants to take a seat, and as I oh so carefully try to sit while grasping the toilet paper holder with one hand and the sink top with my other,  my thighs rebel and CLUNK!!  My ass falls to the seat.  My thighs won’t hold me.  My ass clanks so hard down on the seat that I was truly surprised the spouse did not come knocking on the door.  I thought for sure he would have shown a bit of concern….just a wee bit….because you never know, I could have slipped on the soap or something.  I could have been laying their in a pool of blood, just waiting for someone to come rescue me.

Nope….no knock on the door.  I got myself up off the seat in what seemed like hours a few minutes.  I showered every so gently so as not to put too much pressure on the sore areas….and trying not to use any of the sore muscles too  much.  I let the water just run and run and run and will be kicking myself in the ass when that water bills shows up, but hey….I might just forward it on to Jillian Michaels…after all, this is HER fault!!

Who in their right minds would put themselves through this for 30 fucking days??

Me…that’s who.


Bottom line……

I’m desperate!!!

I don’t want to be the size I am anymore.  Ok, I’m not huge by any means.  But I’m not the me I want to be.

So, if you’ll excusse me now, I am going to hobble gracefully walk on down the steps (oh, God….15 steps) to the basement and put that fucker in the DVD player and mutilate my muscles participate in yet another 25 minutes of torture glorious exercise with Jillian Hitler-Bitch Michaels.  And if anyone is wondering….You don’t know where the crack in the toilet seat came from.

Mums the word, buddies!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

No Words Needed

So, I missed Friday Confessional with Glamazon AGAIN!!  That doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to confess though.  As usual, I’ve got plenty!!


I am only going to confess ONE.


I confess that I was totally off my rocker on Friday.  Instead of working diligently I was sitting in parking lots, thinking, crying, contemplating my life.  Instead of blogging I was staring off into space wondering “what now?”

I let my imagination get the best of me, and without going into great detail, I will let you know that just because something might APPEAR to be one way, sometimes you just have to have some faith somewhere.  You have to BELIEVE in something.  You have to TRUST in someone or something.  Or….

You can spout off to the spouse in  an email because you are too weirded out to actually speak with him like a normal human being when he gets home from work.

Yep…I chose the email option.

Am I proud?  Well, not exactly, but I sure did get alot of my chest!  Whew!!  I certainly felt better in some respect.  In others…not so much.  Because why?  Because now that I let him know where my thoughts were….well, obviously he wasn’t going to just let them be there.  He shot me a quick email back that said, “have the tween watch the little ones so we can talk when I get home.”

Ouch.  Scary. 

Was he going to tell me how crazy I was for even thinking the crazy thoughts that I was thinking?  Was he going to ADMIT to all the things I was thinking he was up to?  Oh God…my worst fear….

No…he did neither of these.  He came home, we had to beg the tween a bit to watch the little ones, and we talked.  He told me all I needed to hear.  All I wanted to hear.  He put my fears at rest.  He acknowledged what I was feeling but didn’t tell me I was crazy.  He let me feel what I was feeling, because after all, my feelings are real, even if they are a tad bit irrational.

We talked.

And talked.

And talked.


I love him.  We can get past this “THING” that has been eating at me.  I know we can.

So, a few weeks ago I started writing a poem, but I stopped in the middle because I couldn’t find a happy spot to end.  And Lord knows, I do NOT like unhappy endings.

Today I was able to finish it.  And I choose to share it with you.  Because I know you won’t judge me.  I know you will take it for what it’s worth even though I am no poet.  (Not like my Sis is, anyways!)

So, here it is….


When times are tough

And insecurity is there

I crawl inside myself

and pull up a chair.


I think of why

I have lost my shine.

I think of the reasons

That cause me to whine.


I think of the vows

we willingly shared.

I think of the times

there was no doubt he cared.


I think of his actions

And I think of mine.

How did we get to this point

in such a short time?

(This is as far as I got…..until today…the rest came to me so easily)

Today I see him

In a different light.

Loving every part of him

And it all seems so right.


We’ve buried our issues

And we’re back on track.

He’s reinforced his vows,

And I’ve cut him some slack.


Marriage is sacred.

Those unmarried should take a look.

Nothing should interfere.

Not even old friends on Facebook.


So when my insecurity rises,

and I can’t think so clear,

I need to remain true to me

and those I hold dear.


I need to trust in my heart

And trust in our love.

And if I can’t do that,

then trust in the Heavens above.


Because I have people up there

that are watching out for me.

I have people.

People you cannot see.


But they won’t let me down.

They will forever be there.

So when I lose my strength,

they will do their share.


For now I’m at peace

with the love of my life.

He is my husband.

I am his wife.


And there you have it in a nutshell.  This evening I made my spouse find a photo that I took when we were dating.  And even though I have become a woman of many words….well, that’s what we found out when analyzing our cell phone bill (that’s another post!)…this picture is titled “No Words Needed”…..I put the caption on it way back when, and it still holds true.  Because Sometimes…..

No Words Are Needed.hands2

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

WTH Wednesdays with the Short People

Time to link up and tell about your What The Hell moments with the gals over at Blue Monkey Butt!  Come on…you know you have these moments!

Blue Monkey Butt

I do!!  It can be as simple as trying to open a fucking jar of mayo that the hubs obviously used last…I could put all my damn energy into twisting the mother trucking cap and yet…..nothing!  Not a budge…not even by a millimeter….

Yet….the tween walks in….all 84 pounds of her and she says, “Gimme that”….

Aaaaand she twists it open without even breaking half the sweat I did!

WHAT THE HELL??  Am I THAT weak??  No…the tween is just THAT strong!  I’d show you her muscles, but THIS is all she would do for me…..

April 2010 018


Soooo…the other day we were all sitting in the living room, yes, this is a rare occasion – all of us in the same room at the same time.  Lil Lady was lounging on the couch finishing up her popsicle.  Just as she finished, Little Man walks by and Lil Lady says, “Hey…Man….throw this out….”  and she hands him her popsicle stick. 

He takes it.  No questions asked. 

He takes a couple steps and she says, “Hey…Man…this too…” and she hands him the paper towel. 

He goes back over to her and takes that too.  He then walks to the trashcan and throws it out.

Not so unusual, right?  Except Lil lady is 3 1/2 and Little Man is just TWO!!

WHAT THE HELL??  She is definitely teaching him how to be a GOOD MAN!!  She is not only taking control IN the house, but taking control of who does what OUTSIDE too….



My kids are awesome…I must admit this.  Of course, I don’t want them to know they have me wrapped around their little fingers or anything.  I need to maintain my “Mean Mommy”status.  Although sometimes this is really challenging, like the other day I was in the basement with Lil Lady.  She wanted to play The Dog Island on the Wii.  

Not saying she isn’t intelligent enough, but the problem is that she is left handed and the Wii remote doesn’t understand this!!  Anyways…we tried and we tried to get the fucking little doggie on the island to move in the direction she wanted but it just wouldn’t work.  I tried telling her it was broken.  She didn’t want to hear that.  I tried getting her to play a different game….or maybe do something even more fun like watch Mommy blog….nope, she was having none of it.  She wanted that little doggie to move where she wanted him to go.

Her chatter was incessant….it was grating on my last nerve….after all, I’m a very  busy Mommy!!  Trying to catch up on reading blogs, writing posts, following my tweeples and even facebooking….damn, I have SHIT TO DO! 

I KNOW she knew I was getting frazzled….that I was about to throw the dagnabbit remote through the TV….but then it happens…as usual….when she knows I’m about to spit nails….

She says…”My mom…..”  (because of course, I. AM. HERS.)


Lil Lady….”I love you.”

What the hell…..

How can those three words coming out of that little tiny mouth mean so much to me?  Cuz I’m NOT a Mean Mommy….despite my reputation.  My kids are my world, and their love….so unconditional….is the most awesome thing in the world!!

Needless to say, I logged off the computer and we tackled that fucking Dog Island with a vengeance!