Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The End of 2009

Well, here we are at the end of another year.  Have you accomplished your goals?  Are you more ahead than you were at this time last year or have you fallen behind?  I am uncertain where I stand on this.  On one hand, I have managed to keep my2009 208 children from killing themselves and each other.  I would think  that was definitely an accomplishment!  I have succeeded in keeping Little Man from acquiring any broken bones as he climbs tables, TV stands and multi-tiered shelving units.  I have managed to keep all children from escaping thru doggie doors. 
I have also managed to not pummel my spouse with the nearest club-like object when he pisses me off.  Instead, I have perfected the look of “WTF are you doing??” and “WTF are you talking about??”  I have taught him to not leave his stubbles behind after trimming the facial hair that I so adore.  I have taught him to leave a spotless countertop after making his lunch (although he doesn’t always follow through, I have to believe the intention is there). 
I have passed on to my tween the ability to whine for what she wants, and she does it quite well.  I have taught her the art of “out-of-sight-out-of-mind-and-my-room-looks-clean” strategy when it comes to straightening up her room before having any friends over.  Apparently, without even knowing it, I have taught her how to stand up for her beliefs when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex….namely, her step-father.  I must say, she has learned to speak her mind, turn an argument around so that she always appears right, and make the other person forget what the hell the argument was about in the first place.  THIS is the heart of a “woman-in-training”.
I have encouraged my middle child to be the woman she was born to be.  She shows her independence as she wakes up each morning on her own, gets her own breakfast of Oreo cookies and a Tupperware container of water that she drinks with a spoon. Her intelligence shines through as she shows her PaPa how to navigate through Pixie Hollow on her Nintendo DS.  She has shown she has high self-esteem as she refuses to sit on the potty because it “hurts her [precious] butt”.  By the way, this little “woman” is three years old.
So….looking at all my accomplishments over the past year, have I really failed at anything?  Haven’t I shown progress in SOMETHING, for Pete’s Sake??  Of course I have, but there are some failures.  I have NOT lost one bit of weight despite the membership to Weight Watchers, the cutting out of carbs, the recent fast from Diet Coke, and the decrease from 10 white chocolate mochas to 8 each week…..
I also have not managed to get my children on a sleeping schedule that allows the spouse and I to have any alone time.  I once bragged what a great sleeper the Little Man was, but then all hell broke loose and he has learned to manipulate us the way his sisters do.  I have not managed to get the tween to accept any chores for pay.  I have not managed to get the Lil Lady to sit her princess-ass on her potty more than a handful of times.  I have not managed to get the tween and spouse to see eye-to-eye on even ONE topic.  And, last of all, I have not won the lottery (this was number one resolution of 2009). 
So, for the coming year, I am not going to set specific goals or make specific resolutions.  I am aiming just to be the best wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend that I can be.  I will give my all to everyone.  I will not be selfish.  I will keep my mouth shut in the grocery store when some rude bitch takes off my Achilles tendon with her shopping cart.  I will not flip off the person that feels the need to honk and pass me when I am going the posted speed limit.  I will keep a straight face when the people of Walmart so totally amaze me with their mind-blowing stupidity.  Most important of all, I will love my children and spouse unconditionally despite the fact that they have perfected getting on my last nerve, and I will be happy in 2010…..
How about you?  Do you have any resolutions or are you happy with who you are??

Thursday, December 10, 2009

My Letter To Santa

It has probably been a good 20 30 years since I wrote a letter to Santa, but I thought maybe I would give it a try this year.  After all, isn’t he the  Big Guy in the North Pole that is supposed grant your Christmas wishes?  And he’s magical…so why not give it a shot??
Ok, so maybe I haven’t been all that good this year, but I have really put forth the effort which, in my book, always stands for something.  Maybe I did leave my spouse snoring in the recliner on purpose one too many times, and maybe I didn’t.  Maybe I did lose my patience a little more than I should have while trying to wake the lazy whining doesn’t know how to go to bed tween, and maybe her perception of how the mornings go is just a little twisted.  Maybe I did remove the Little Man from the top of the TV table a little too quickly causing him to land on his ass….and maybe I didn’t.  And maybe I did sneak the Lil Lady into my marital bed and then stretch the truth by saying she was frightened…or maybe not. 
Regardless, I am a good person and I try to portray the patience of a saint when I really feeling like beating the shit out of shaking some sense into three quarters of the people I encounter each day.  I try to show that I have it all together when inside I am a bundle of nerves.  I let people believe that I have all actions, reactions and emotions under complete control when in fact, I am so out of control it even surprises me! 
So, if I were to write a letter to Santa today, this is what it might look like:
Dear Santa,
This year for Christmas I am not asking for anything material.  You can keep the diamonds I am certain my spouse is planning on getting me.  You can keep the new fuzzy bunny slippers that I know I said a million times that I wanted.  You can pass on to another deserving soul the heated mattress pad that I beg for each night (I will continue to use my spouse’s heat and my 24x12 inch heating pad). 
There doesn’t need to be any elegantly wrapped gifts for me under the tree, for what I want cannot be wrapped in shiny silver paper with a bow slapped on top.  First of all, what I want is some Christmas Spirit.  Somewhere between the stack of bills and the outrageous economy, my spirit has been crushed.  I’ve tried to revive it with Christmas music (in fact, I’m listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks sing YOUR song right now) but with each song my heart just gets heavier and heavier.  If I just had some Christmas Spirit, I know I could make this Christmas special for the little ones without putting myself further in debt.  Other than Christmas Spirit, I am good to go, but I have a few things I would like for my loved ones.
I would like to ask for some sense of normalcy when it comes to my family.  I would like some restraint for Little Man so he can stop his climbing on every surface that is considered off limits.
I would like to ask for some control for Lil Lady so she may learn to use the potty like a big girl. If you cannot bring her control, can you bring her a princess potty that won’t “hurt her butt”? 
For the Tween I would like some sleepy dust (preferably 6 years worth) so that she can fall asleep when needed.  If you cannot bring the sleepy-dust, can you wrap up a bit of “wakefulness” for school mornings?
And last, but not least, for my spouse….could you please find it in your heart to bring him a truck load of multitasking-know-when-to-end-a-conversation-bring-up-the-laundry-baskets-pick-up-his-clothes-don’t-leave-dirty-dishes-in-the-sink-overnight-stop-stealing-the-covers –not-having-to-stop-for-one(beer)-after-work ability?  I know this is a lot to ask for, but as I said, it’s immaterial and should not cost a whole lot. 
And if by chance you cannot grant the wishes I have asked for my loved ones, if you just box up a bit of sanity for me I think I can handle the rest.
And for Pete’s Sake, have a Merry Christmas and thank you for being so magical!
Pete’s Lady 

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Ok…I don’t usually go overboard and enter all these contests, but I figured what could it hurt??  I stumbled upon a tweet by @MckMama about HP Touchsmart 600 computer and of course as I’m sitting here on my little mini laptop, Little Man is beating the beegeebers out of the full-size laptop that my husband swears will never work right again since those chubby hands got a hold of it.
So I went to check out the contest and I really want this computer!!  I would definitely hang it on the wall way up out of toddlers’ reach.  I would be quite selfish with it for a while but then probably let other family members LOOK at it….then maybe touch it…..briefly…
So I entered the contest in all the places I could, I commented, I posted, I tweeted..I did everything shy of screaming my bloody head off that I NEED THIS COMPUTER for PETE’s SAKE!!
I've commented over at Kelly's Korner, A Year of Slow Cooking, My Charming Kids, The NieNie Dialogues, and BooMama.
You can find the official rules here.  Go ahead..try to win one too!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

25 Things…

 Ok, this is called a meme.  As a rule, I really shy away from these because they can be so revealing…IF you answer truthfully.  Of course, you could decide to sugar-coat your answers making yourself out to be one hell of a great person, but who would do that?  Not me, of course…
So, I was tagged by WeaselMomma over at WorldofWeasels to complete this meme of 25 questions. Whew…25 is alot!  This leaves me feeling quite vulnerable thrilled that someone cares enough to want to know MY answers.  Here goes nothing….but I warn you in advance, if you chose to use any of this against me, I have a very good attorney….
1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.

Meryl Streep

2. Where was your first kiss? I think my first kiss was during one of our family camping trips.  Hmmm..that’s the first one I remember anyways…it was bad, I wore glasses, didn’t realize I should take them off…yeah, can you say FOG??

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? OMG!!  No!!!

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Ok..yes, I did take a miniature baseball bat and whack my brother on the back with it when we were kids.  What?! It was something to do…

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Never Never Never would I dare….

6. What’s the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Eyes…definitely eyes.  Not talking about color here, I’m talking about what the eyes are saying. Are they saying “I’m honest”, “I’m as sweet as a teddy bear”, or “I’m on crack”…yes, the eyes are important.

7. What really turns you off? Cheating, whining, cheating, selfishness, cheating, oh…and did I say CHEATING??

8. What do you order at Starbucks? WHAT?? Starbucks?  Are you out of your mind?  I would only order a white-chocolate-mocha-no-whip-please from Caribou..In fact, the people at MY Caribou are my best friends…and it’s not because I don’t have any other friends.2009 180
9. What is your biggest mistake?  Ok…I know I said I have a good lawyer and all that, but I am not going to open myself up for this one.  Can we just say that I’ve made millions a few?

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Oh please, I have the lowest tolerance for pain and do everything I can to NOT get hurt.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I wear a total of 6 rings but only on 4 fingers…weird…

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? I used to look like Olivia Newton John, but now she’s old, and I’m not.  I was once told I looked like Reba Macintyre…umm….do I smile like that?  I hope not…

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? I love all Disney films, and as for TV shows, iCarly rocks!!

14. Did you have braces? Yes, and since then I despise the dentist…sorry….

15. Are you comfortable with your height? What’s wrong with 4’2” …..I mean 5’2”?

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Hmmm..that must have been at my first wedding when my new groom was found helping one of his volleyball team girls puke….oh wait…you said “romantic”…um, romance has been sparse for me….

17. When do you know it’s love? You can tell by the way he looks at you, listens to you bitch, and lets you have the last few drops of morning coffee.

18. Do you speak any other languages? I speak “mom-speak” as in get-your-ass-out-of-bed-pick-up-your-room speak….
19. Have you ever been to tanning salon? That used to be how I got my naps.  Now I am pale and tired.

20. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes…for good occasions…and bad….don’t like them.

21. What’s something that really annoys you? I am not sure I can answer this one without going off on a tangent but one specific thing is when someone drops the ball….just totally quits when things need to be done….you know, just becomes a lazy ass good for nothing slug….worthless.  (how’d I do?)

22. What’s something you really like? Friends and family you can count on.

23. Can you dance? I’m currently perfecting the potty-dance. That’s the extent of the groove I’ve got.

24. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? No.

25. Tag 5 people!  Ok….I wouldn’t do this, but @WeaselMomma has asked me to  so here it is, the 5 I tag  are @LadyWanderlust , @Realdadshangout, @lilmommasmom, @MiniMaura (cuz she has nothing better to do), and @DadUnmasked (cuz he’s @MiniMaura’s twusband).  Sorry guys….it’s the rules, so play nice for Pete’s Sake!!!