Pour Your Heart Out

Shell over at Things I Can’t Say has a fairly new meme for Wednesdays, and I’ve been thinking about participating for a few weeks.  I’m still not sure this post will go up, but I’m going to get some things out there that I might otherwise let eat me alive. 

If you want to link up, click on the button below.

Ok…here you go.  This is something that has most likely always been an issue for me, but lately it’s become more of an issue.  It’s called…..

 

             SELF IMAGE …….

 

Or in my case….the LACK of a healthy one.

You see, I’m not tall, I’m not thin…I’ve always felt that I could lose a bit of weight, even in high school when I weighed maybe 110 pounds.  I’ve had several great times when I lost the weight I wanted to lose.  I’ve been a size 2 before….believe it or  not!!  That, of course, was before having children. 

My last lowest weight was right before I met my current spouse.  I somehow managed to lose the weight I gained when I had my daughter in 1997!  I did not manage to lose it until she was 7!!  Yes, that was the time when I lost my late spouse, but I must say that I had already lost the weight before the tragic accident.  Then I met my current spouse.  I was feeling good about myself at that point. 

Then came the surprise that I was pregnant.  Ohhhhh…I was soooo not wanting to gain the weight back, but it was inevitable.  I did gain it back…and more.  After Lil Lady was born I was almost at my comfortable adult weight and ohhhhhhh, there comes Little Man!!  Damn!  I just couldn’t win for the life of me!!

So, here I am today, 20 pounds heavier than when I met my spouse.  And……

I feel like crap!!

He’s also gained 20 but he still looks good to me!  And I find it unfair that men can gain weight but it’s all good.  I just don’t get it.  People look at me and don’t know where I keep the poundage…but I know it’s there.  And I don’t LIKE IT!

A few things have happened lately that have really made me feel even worse.  I am skeptical about writing them here because I know my dear spouse comes to visit my blog, which is ok, but I don’t want him to think that I am knocking him down for being a man.  I am not.  I am just trying to figure it all out, and I’m trying to learn how to deal with my reactions to things.  You know the reactions where you know what you are thinking is so off base, but it’s what you think and nobody is going to tell you differently??  Yeah, those reactions.

For example…when your man looks at naked women on the internet….Oh come on….you KNOW they do!!  What is your reaction?  Do you get pissed off?  Do you just say whatever…he’s a guy??  What do YOU do???  Me??  I decide I’m not worth shit and that he’s going to hook up with one of these women and leave me.  Yes, that is exactly how far my brain takes it. 

How do I deal with that?  I shut myself up in my own little world.  I don’t reach out to anyone.  I don’t share my feelings because after all, they are irrational, right? 

Another example of my irrational thinking?  A few old friends contacted my spouse on Facebook.  These friends were from his past before I knew him.  These friends were happy to have found him.  These friends finding him made him very happy.  These friends are female……

Let me tell you….I DID try to be rational.  I DID try to be open-minded and share in his happiness that these women friended him on Facebook.  I did…..I really really really honest and truly DID!!  Then…..

Then there was an exchange of several emails going back and forth between them.  “Just catching up on things” is what the spouse said.  This is where my heart starts constricting…..

Spouse says he knew that if he told me I would get all crazy and accusatory.  (is that even a word??  accu-sa-tory…..)  Anyways, he was right.  I’m sorry….I don’t KNOW these women.  I don’t know what kind of “past” he’s talking about when he says they used to “hang out at the bar”.  I. Just. Don’t. Know.  I should save this for Friday’s Confessional, but let me just say, I confess to letting my wild thoughts get away from me.  The moment I realized there was more than just the “friending” on facebook…and by “more”, I am talking about the emailing….I had these women breaking up my marriage.  I had my spouse, in my mind, sneaking around to meet up with these two…or even just one of them, after all, one of them is divorced…..and most likely available….ahhhh HELL!  I couldn’t even think straight!!

It’s horrible…I know.  I should trust my spouse.  It is NOT his fault I was cheated on before.  It’s not HIS fault that I have these distorted views of what women are after.  But…..It’s NOT MY FAULT that when I have this feeling in the pit of my gut….I can usually call it like it is.  I TOLD him that next they would be wanting to “get together to catch up on things”.  And I’m sure they have mentioned that.  I told him I wouldn’t let him go without me.  Is that stupid???  Do I want to meet these people?  It’s not something I would go out of my way to do, but possibly meeting them would put my fears at rest??  Possibly….

Possibly it would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. 

What I can’t seem to grasp is WHY I feel my spouse would leave at the first opportunity he got.  It’s not like he doesn’t show me that he “wants me”.  Hell….he would “want” me every night if I would let it happen.  Maybe that’s it….maybe I need a different kind of “wanting” too.  Maybe it’s the “I want to meet up with you and catch up on things” kind of wanting that I need and don’t get.  We have 3 kids…two are toddlers….so yes, we also need to catch up on things.  Maybe it’s the smiling face I want him to show me when he gets an email from me?  Yes, I send him emails…I send him sweet ones too, not just raging hormonal ones.

What IS it with me??  Was I that scarred by a past relationship that I can’t trust who I’m with??  Is it that sometimes the spouse’s actions are speaking louder than his words??  Maybe I need to tell his actions to shut the fuck up because I’m concentrating on the words he’s saying!!  Damn it all to hell….I swear…..

I tried to explain to him that if I am supposed to NOT CARE what he looks at on the internet, and NOT CARE who he talks to in real life, then I have to NOT CARE about many things…like whether or not he’s tired, like whether or not he’s about ready to lose it from spending 5 straight hours with the kids….you see, if I am to NOT CARE, then I DO NOT CARE about anything.  But if you want me to care that you are exhausted, and that you’ve had a rough day, and that you just want an hour to sit and have a beer with friends (guy friends of course)…..then you have to also deal with me CARING who the fuck your talking to.  Yes?  Please, someone tell me I am making some sense here because….

….for Pete’s Sake!!!!…..

….I don’t want these crazy things to ruin my marriage!!  When I said “I do” even though I was FAT with CHILD….I meant that I DO.

I DO love my spouse.

I DO want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I DO want to trust him.

I DO want to grow old with him.

What I didn’t agree to was letting any past “lives” come back to haunt either one of us.  And I didn’t agree to NOT CARE with whom he talks, and what  he does, and where he is……

So, this is what’s been eating at me for a while now.  I’m hoping we are at a turning point.  I’m hoping he heard my words last night.  I heard his, and will do what I can to tame my out of control thoughts.  I hope we can get past this.  I PRAY we can get past this.  And that’s coming from a non-church go-er.

And spouse, if you are reading my blog, I just hope you know that I love you.  And this post was not in any way intended to knock you down. 

Thank you , Shell, for giving me the opportunity to get this out there and off my chest.  You deserve a medal for coming up with this meme.  Afterall, the reason I blog is to relieve my stress, and even if I had no followers, I’d still be here today!

Take These Jobs and POST ‘EM!

Ahhh, Supah.....Thank you again for Post It Note Tuesday!  Everyone come on and link up...you won't be sorry!

You can link up at Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy!!

So, this week started off with a bang...the sitter called off for Monday.  Yep...but she didn't call until Sunday night about 10:30 PM!!  She is so damn lucky I have a wonderful Nephew that brought his wife here to watch my kids.  Ohhhhh so lucky!! 

I worked hard during the day at my primary job...came home and worked at being Mom...then off to my second job.  And here I am because I can NOT do without Post-it-Note Tuesday!  Oh, and also, my 3 year old is in my bed so I'm waiting for her to get her princess ass out so I can go to sleep!

Happy Tuesday...enjoy.  I hope you can follow the stickies because I am not thinking straight...something happens around the 24th hour that I am up...something serious with my brain cells.  I think they shut down or something!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!  I’ll be back later after I revive my brain cells!!

Time to Confess?

Well, it’s Friday.  I am here to confess my sins of the week and link up with Glamazon over at Glamazon Mormon Mom.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels the need to do this after reading all the drama in bloggy-land this week, so go on over and link up!  I swear, you’ll feel so much better!
 

First of all, I must say I feel alot of pent up anger this week.  Secondly, if it comes out in my confessions then I can truly wipe it from my slate, right?

Confessions-away!!

• I confess that during my doctor’s appointment this week I wanted to strangle my doc with his stethescope several times, shove cotton balls up his nose, and ninja kick him in the knees at least once.
• I confess that I seriously want to whack Ms. Polly-Prissy-Pants-Track-Coach in the Achilles tendon and then promptly provide her with my best eye-roll when she complains that it hurts because when my tween states that she has injured her ankle and she cannot run, she is not being a slacker!   Do NOT eye-roll at my tween!! (that’s MY job)

• I would like to borrow some of my sister’s jelly beans that she throws at cars during her road rage episodes and throw them at the cops when they pull up next to me just to say “are you ok ma’am?”  First of all, I am just making a phone call.  Secondly, if you call me “ma’am” one more time I am going to show you a thing or two about breaking the fucking law!!
• The drama in the bloggy world was quite amazing this week.  I am still a little taken aback by what transpired….still a little speechless.  I confess that I had to sit on my hands in order to stop myself from partaking in such fun!!
• I confess that I begged asked Linda from The Good, The Bad, The Worse to adopt me.  You see, she’s such a wonderful person, and I was lacking in the role model category….so…well, I asked.  She not only obliged, but also insisted on adopting my sister, Kat, and I get to share a room with Harry!!
• I confess that I placed a call to the Athletic Director of the Middle School.  Yes, that would be the supervisor of Ms. Polly-Prissy-Pants-Track-Coach.  I am still awaiting a return call.
• I confess that I spent our tax return on White Chocolate Mochas….sorry, honey, your cracked windshield will have to stay cracked until next year.  Don’t hit any potholes!!

• I confess to thinking about quitting my job at least 247 times this week alone.  I know it would be a baaaaaad idea, but the thought is there constantly.  I could sell one of the children for food if necessary, right?
• I confess to forgetting about my diet which means eating healthy, and I’m going the starvation route.  I have lost 2 of the 5 pounds I recently gained.  Oh, you don’t have to tell me how bad this is, I’m a nurse!

Ok…that should do it.  I am cleansed, refreshed and now ready to start my weekend!  I have a birthday gathering over at my spouse’s cousin’s on Saturday evening which should be fun, and then on Sunday it’s a birthday party for my niece (brother’s child)….there might be some sins to report after this one….or at least some sinful thoughts!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Yo Tweeps Exchange!!

Ok…I guess I’m going to give this a shot.  It’s apparently the “thing to do” on Thursdays especially over at Supah’s site, Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy! Even though my computer skills pretty much suck at this kinda stuff…you know, obtaining icons and making linkys and such….but here you go!!  Have fun!!  Tweet atcha later!

This is what you need to do to play along and increase your twitter twaffic:

1.  Click on my Twitter icon above (or on my right sidebar)  and follow me!

2.  Make a blog post like I did and link up over at Supah’s site.(Grab the YoTweeps Icon and put him in your post.  Don’t forget to get a Twitter icon and link it to your Twitter profile like I did.)

3. Visit some other #YoTweeps that have linked up and follow them! (Follow their blogs too if you are interested.)

4. When you follow someone, send them a tweet so they know that you followed and so they can follow you back!

example :  @ezmomm #yotweeps  I’m following!

5. If someone follows  you, reciprocate.   It’s that easy.

Tweet ya on the flip side!!

Let’s Play a Game!!

Alrighty…my sister, Kat, over at 2010-Year of Miracles has invited me to play a game.  Like I have time for this shit…Oh, I’m kidding!!  Of course I have time!  I’m a slacker-mom!!! 

These are the rules:

1. Go to your first photo file and pick the 10th photo in it.

2. Tell the story behind the photo.

3. Tag 5 other people to do likewise.

OK…this is quite embarrassing, but THIS was my tenth photo in my first photo file.  I am going to have to explain what’s all in this pic, but trust me, I DID NOT TAKE IT!!  I swear I didn’t!  I think some three-foot tall goblin stole my camera at some point….

 

First of all, in the upper left corner is a puppet of a Groundhog…I think.  I DO know her name is Gloria.  Yes, I named her.  She belonged to my oldest and now is in the possession of the toddlers.  Well, that’s when she’s not in MY possession because I absolutely LOVE to terrorize the Little Man with Gloria!!  Funny how a boy can be so afraid of a cute little groundhog that sounds like his mommy….

I also see a midget Cinderella dress in the pic.  Either Cinderella has vanished or she’s streaking around the house naked!  I’m not sure which, but you never know where she will show up.  Once I put a redheaded Barbie in my spouse’s lunch bag….yeah, I thought it was funny.  He did not.  Maybe he would like to have lunch with a naked Cinderella when she shows up again??

The two little figures in the forefront of the pic are dogs.  Lil Lady loves her puppies.  I think there were about 25 of these pics when I was checking my picture file….I really should pick and choose which pics to actually download before hitting that download button, but hey, if I did THAT, I wouldn’t be writing such a strange post now would I??

Also…as you can see, the dog figures are standing on a book called “Meow Goes the Cat”.  How ironic is that?? 

And the last thing I most likely need to explain is the piece of the  toddlers potty seat that is sitting on the table.  Yep…that’s what that is…on the table…..where we eat……

I’m disgusted with myself!!  How could I let that happen??  At first I thought it was the tray from the highchair, but damn, the highchair is green!!  The potty chair is blue…and white….and looks strangely like the “thing” in the upper right of the pic….ON. MY. TABLE.

Now I need to tag 5 people…then I will go disinfect my table.

1. Tina over at Awaiting Tranquility

2. MrsFatass at Did I Just Eat That Outloud

3. Glamazon over at Glamazon Mormon Mom

4.  Linda over at The Good, The Bad, The Worse

5.  Kmama over at The Daily Dribbles

There you have it…now get to it!  And keep those potty seats off your tables!!  yuk!

What The Hell, Doc??

It’s that time!!  Link up with the ladies over at Blue Monkey Butt for What the Hell Wednesday!

 

So, I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday only because I needed my refill on my water pill.  God knows I don’t want to blow up like some damn balloon! 

He asked how I was feeling.  I told him “like shit”.  He was surprised.  Really??  Doc, you’re surprised that I still have all the same complaints when you haven’t fixed them in the past??  What’s so surprising about that? 

He asked what “we” have done about the complaints.  I say,”nothing”.  He says, “verrrry interessssting”.  Yeah, isn’t it?? 

WHAT THE HELL?

He asked if “we” have done a sleep study.  I say, “yes, and you said I was fine.”  He starts flipping back through my chart that is now several inches thick and stops at the sleep study results.  He starts reading off all this mumbo-jumbo crap and then says, “well, you are borderline….”  WHAT???  I was FINE when the study was done!!  Basically he says I’m not bad enough with sleep apnea to have to wear that machine that would make me look like an elephant.  (Oh so attractive and quite a turn on that would be for my spouse)

We talk about my pain issues.  Yes, I have pain.  Where?  Just about everywhere.  Again…”verrry interessssting”.  Honestly, if he says this one more time I’m going to go postal!!

I tell him I need a refill on my water pill.  I tell him I need something for pain.  I tell him I’m losing my mind.  I tell him about my leaking brain.  I tell him about the crackling sound in my ear especially when I’m using my stethescope.

He says the “leaking brain” is most likely sinuses.  He says the only thing that will help that is….now get this….CLARITIN!!  Now, in the past he has told me not to take Claritin D every day because of the pseudoephedrine in it.  Now he tells  me it will help.  I tell him….I STILL TAKE CLARITIN D EVERY DAY!!  He’s surprised that I didn’t listen to him when he said not to.  He asks why I take it.  I tell him if I don’t then I can’t get up in the morning.  He says, “that’s not good”.  Really???

WHAT THE HELL??

I KNOW that’s not good.  I KNOW that’s not normal.  Damn it!!  So why won’t he figure it out already???

He orders blood work.  I tell him I’ve been taking a multivitamin and also 2000 iu of Vitamin D.  He asks why so much Vitamin D.  I say, “because my sister is deficient so I was helping her out.”  He gives me a dumbass look like I’m out of my fucking mind or something.  What??  I’m always there for my sis!!

One of the blood tests he orders is a serum level of “myoglobin”.  Being a nurse you’d think I might have heard of this blood test.  Nope.  It’s not something that I’ve seen drawn before.  Because I have a need-to-know personality, I look it up.  Apparently, if you’ve have a heart attack recently this “myoglobin” will be elevated so many hours afterwards……

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL??  Now I’m worried.  Have I had chest pain??  Does he think I’m ready to have a heart attack so he wants a baseline? 

Actually, after reading further, the myoglobin level can also tell you if there is any type of muscle disease going on.  Hey, that makes sense!  Pain and muscle weakness….check myoglobin.  Ok…got it.

Now…back to the pain issue.  I’m supposed to take one Alleve and two Tylenol before bed.  Ok…I tell him I already take two Tylenol Arthritis before bed.  He says to just add the one Alleve.  I can do that.  For three weeks.  My sis says Alleve makes her swell so I’m a little worried since whatever happens to her happens to me too, but I will give it a try.  If this doesn’t work, then I switch to a prescription med for nerve pain.  I’m starting to feel like an old person.

He hands me my script for the blood work and tells me to come back in 3 months.  (yep, definitely old person scheduling).  He says, “anything else?”  I say….ummmm….my script for the water pill??  And the script for the nerve pill if you want me to try it in 3 weeks??  “ohhhhh yessss!  of course!” 

How can he forget these things when we just talked about them?  This makes me so nervous! 

I then bring up the weight gain issue again.  I explain that I have been eating the right things, I have been dancing my ass off with Just Dance for the Wii, I’ve been drinking more water….and on and on and on.  He says, “verrrry interesssting….”

Holy Fucking WHAT the HELL??

Alrighty, Doc….Alleve it is.  Deal with the weight gain.  No magic pill for me. 

Simply Post-It

Link on up with Supah over at Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy!  Go….you have to check out her post-its this week…her DBD participated and said something about “licking balls” or something or other….kinda freaky yet very funny!!



So, this week….yeah…I’m not sure what’s up, but I’m needing to work wayyyy too hard at putting anything into words.  Between the tween’s new sport (track) which requires afterschool practice everyday, doctor appointments, orthodontist appointments, working…and oh…being mom……I think I’m just exhausted!  So, happy Post-It Note Tuesday!!