Monday, February 1, 2010

Just Another Monday

Ok, first I shall apologize for missing in action for the past few days.  I truly am sorry I’ve neglected my baby bloggity blog blog….but I’ve been working and taking care of sick kids as well as my sick self and ignoring the sick spouse.  Seriously, can’t I just be sick by myself??  Can’t I just have ONE freaking moment to call MINE even if it is a moment of sinus drainage and coughing up a lung??  Damn….no respect….

So after a week of everything that could happen actually happening, I started getting sick last Friday….and it hasn’t gotten any better.  It’s all the Little Man’s fault…he started the snot-snot game.  I thought I told him I wasn’t interested, but it must have been the sneeze that landed 50mil ppi of germies on my face that got me sick.

To top it off, I worked at the nursing home this weekend but I didn’t have to work nights so that was better than messing up my sleep schedule.  I worked dayshift  for the first time at this place.  It was a bit nerve-wracking passing all those meds on patients that I didn’t recognize because they were out of bed…but I managed.  I managed well, in fact, until they sprung a new admission on me at 1 pm on Sunday…and I was to leave at 2:30pm…..this doesn’t leave much time for an admit….what with all the paperwork…well, computer work I should say – they try to have minimal PAPER…but don’t forget to fill out the personal articles sheet, the bowel and bladder 3 day assessment, the nursing assistant flow sheet, the diet sheet, the skin alert sheet, the physician orders if there are any  new ones, the 24 hour report sheet…yeah, don’t forget all those sheets, but the rest is on the computer because we are saving the fucking trees!!!  Seriously???!!

Anyways, I admitted this gentleman….and the whole time I’m doing my assessment of his hip incision, his feet, his heels, his legs, his back, his backSIDE, his foley catheter..and yes…the insertion site of the catheter….yep….his “bat and balls”…..his “sausage and biscuits”…whatever you call them….I realized where I knew him from!!  I had a gawd-damn celebrity right before my eyes!!  He is like royalty to me!!  He’s my hero!! 

Oh- my-fucking-cheesecake, he’s the Walmart GREETER!!!  AND I JUST SAW HIS BALLS!!!  Holy hell….I’m gonna have to shop elsewhere once he’s gets out of rehab…that’s all I know……

Ahhhh…so here we go…it’s Me-me Monday sponsored by SupahMommy and MommyBrain.  Click below to play along.

They would like you/me to tell about a time we got stopped by the cops…they think EVERYONE must have a story to tell.  Of course I do!  Although, mine is not just one incident…mine happens to have taken place over 2 short weeks.  Oh yeah….this was absolutely amazing!  The Me-Me Monday ladies want us to tell what exactly we did when we got stopped.  What did we say to try to get out of a ticket?? 

Here’s how it started…..

I do homecare and I am always, always, ALWAYS in a rush….I was on my way to a patient’s home when I noticed the flashing lights….

Me:  Shit Shit Shit….
Officer:  Do you know you were going 42 in a 25??
Me: Um…no, but thank you for telling me.
Officer:  License please…
Me:  Ohhhh……  (and I hand it over and accidentally of course hand my nursing license with it.  He goes back to his cruiser……)  \
He comes back.....
Officer:  So, you’re a nurse?  I wish I would have known that before writing this up.  (and he hands me the ticket)
Me:  huh….me too you lousy ass bastard, Officer.
Officer:  I hope I don’t see you if I get sick and need to be in the hospital…. *chuckle chuckle*
Me:  Oh, me too because I’m not gonna be the one to wipe your fucking ass when you shit the bed because I don’t bring you a bedpan in time.

Fine: $60


4 days later…(yes, only 4)

Was in between patients and I meant to turn left at an intersection but instead went straight and thought, fuck…I’m already late!  But I turned around in the first available parking lot and made my way back to the same light where I wanted to turn in the first place.  THEN…..I saw the lights…the flashing lights…..

Hell, I was already stopped cuz the light was red, there was no trying to out-run the Officeer, so he comes up to the car.

Officer:  Do you know you went through a red light?
Me:  What light?
Officer:  This light.  (and he points to the light….)
Me:  How??  I haven’t gone through it yet….
Officer:  The FIRST time you were at this light.  (so straight-faced I nearly laughed myself silly)
Me:  Oh….   (big pause….)  Really??…….(even bigger pause……)
Officer:  (says nothing……)
Me:  *totallyfuckingabsolutelyamazed*  You mean you’ve been behind me this whole time????  With your lights on???  Even when I turned around in that parking lot??? 
Officer:  Yes, dear.
Me:  Noooo wayyyyyyyyyy……

Fine: $75


8 short days later……(yes...only 8)

Was once again working…running behind and I just got a call that a patient fell so I was, of course, hurrying my little nursey ass to the scene…and the lights arrive…..

Me:  Holy fucking shit you’ve gotta be kidding me!!!
Officer: Licen……..Honey….are you ok???


Fine:  $0.00

Sometimes it pays to be a big baby!!

Thanks SupahMommy and MommyBrain for letting me play!!  I could probably have a post a mile long if we are gonna talk “cops”…..figured I should end it here, on a happy note!

Have a great Monday and For Pete’s Sake…..Slow the fuck down!!!


Anonymous said...

I don't know if I would recognize the nurse that took out my catheter. She did it really well much to my relief. I was afraid it would be like the looky see the doctor had done previously. I don't think it would matter.
I've had to see the doctors that checked my prostate and grabbed a stool sample while there. Two of them were women.
And once I decided to weigh myself before putting the 'thing that opens in the back' on and the nurse walked in early.
I recognize that you are medical professionals, and probably have seen it all.

You should play the nurse on a call bit if you get stopped again.
Or cry. But that doesn't work on all cops.

Corrie Howe said...

I'm afraid to see where you live. Because I hope it's not my Wal-mart greeter.

And crying never got me out of a ticket. Oh, wait. I've never tried. Darn.

Tracie said...

After the luck you had been having...I don't blame you for a little tears!

Kellyansapansa said...

You poor thing - I hope everyone gets well soon. As for the Walmart greeter, surely you can leverage this information somehow? An extra friendly greeting from him perhaps?! After all, you could make or break his *ahem* reputation, IYKWIM!

gayle said...

I guess you learned your lesson...cry baby cry!!

Kat said...

Sausage and biscuits??? Ball and bat???? LMAO!!! I love you!

Her Majesty Lisa (LadyWanderlust) said...

Breakin' the law. Breakin' the law. You look sweet. You look like you are law abiding. But deep down you have an inner criminal. LOL.

I think you should hire a chauffeur.

Hang in there and feel better.

HUGS, Lisa

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Crying NEVER works for me. :(

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I'm laughing at your cop stories...I would so not think it was funny if it happened to me! Thanks for giving me a chuckle this morning!

Menopausal New Mom said...

Okay, it took me a few minutes to stop laughing about the Wal-Mart Greeter and his balls but now I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or to give you a high five for getting out of that last ticket!

I have a story myself about being pulled over, just might do a blog post one day.