Monday, April 26, 2010

Ow…and Double Ow

Ok…what I came here to say today is that Jillian Michaels can kiss my ass!!  Oh yeah….I’ve had it.  I see her on the Biggest Loser and think, WTF Lady??  Why do you have to yell at those fat people?  It’s NOT THEIR faults they are the way they are!  It’s NOT!!  So stop it.  Stop. It. Right. NOW.  Just because you have flat abs and buns of steel….who the fuck cares?  Huh?   Do you think you are better than we are?  Huh?  Just because your thighs don’t touch and your butt doesn’t jiggle??  Does that give you the right to belittle us??

On a side note, today will be day TWO of my 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels. 

Yeah, I broke down and bought the DVD.  Only to see what all the hype was about.   The workout is not that long…I think it took like 25 minutes or something like that.  Basically she has you doing normal exercises… know, push-ups, squats, running in place trying to touch your heels to your ass.  She tests you to see how quickly your can get up from doing sit-ups to jumping jacks.  Well, she doesn’t TEST you, but if you are like me, you miss half the jumping jacks because it takes you just a little longer to get up off the floor.  It’s pretty much basic awesome routine of multiple exercises all jammed into a short time period.

Pretty much basic enough that I can’t even start my car today without wincing in pain.  I can’t lift my mocha to my parched lips either.

I can handle exercise…but it’s the damn squats that get me.  Is this position normal?  Should I be able to do it?  Of course I should!  Especially if THIS guy can!!

I am totally dreading today when I tackle day 2 of the Shred.  I’m not sure how I can do it when every muscle in my body is aching.  Every joint says “FUCK YOU!!”  I’m not even sure how I’m typing right now because even my little pinky says, “ow….”

I think my spouse is secretly laughing behind my back.  In fact, I KNOW he is. 

I wake up this morning and walk out of the bedroom.  He says good morning.  I say…


I continue onto the bathroom holding my coffee cup with 2 hands so as not to over-use the muscles of one hand……with each step I mutter….

“ow…fuck you….ow again….shit…”

I could swear I heard him chuckling ever so lightly…..

I set my coffee on the sink top gingerly….trying not to bend over too much to do this.  Yes, I have to BEND to put down my coffee because my biceps and pectoral muscles are frozen.  I pull down my lovely flannel pants to take a seat, and as I oh so carefully try to sit while grasping the toilet paper holder with one hand and the sink top with my other,  my thighs rebel and CLUNK!!  My ass falls to the seat.  My thighs won’t hold me.  My ass clanks so hard down on the seat that I was truly surprised the spouse did not come knocking on the door.  I thought for sure he would have shown a bit of concern….just a wee bit….because you never know, I could have slipped on the soap or something.  I could have been laying their in a pool of blood, just waiting for someone to come rescue me.

Nope….no knock on the door.  I got myself up off the seat in what seemed like hours a few minutes.  I showered every so gently so as not to put too much pressure on the sore areas….and trying not to use any of the sore muscles too  much.  I let the water just run and run and run and will be kicking myself in the ass when that water bills shows up, but hey….I might just forward it on to Jillian Michaels…after all, this is HER fault!!

Who in their right minds would put themselves through this for 30 fucking days??

Me…that’s who.


Bottom line……

I’m desperate!!!

I don’t want to be the size I am anymore.  Ok, I’m not huge by any means.  But I’m not the me I want to be.

So, if you’ll excusse me now, I am going to hobble gracefully walk on down the steps (oh, God….15 steps) to the basement and put that fucker in the DVD player and mutilate my muscles participate in yet another 25 minutes of torture glorious exercise with Jillian Hitler-Bitch Michaels.  And if anyone is wondering….You don’t know where the crack in the toilet seat came from.

Mums the word, buddies!


The Empress said...

I think Jillian is evil, too.

She tried to kill me 2 mos ago. I swear...

Kat said...

I like her. But then again, I won't let her yell at me and exercise with her. :) I prefer the bike with the comfy seat. Because I refuse to kill myself while doing this crap. I will lose more weight without Jillian Hitler Michaels! But...she's my kind of bi-otch!

Linda Medrano said...

Girl! Slow down. You are not supposed to screw yourself up by pulling every muscle you have. Go into it slowly and increase a little every day. Dang! Slow down! Go back to sex for exercise for a while!

singedwingangel said...

OH see I would love for her to get in my face like that we would throw down. That would be my exercise whooping Jillian's taut tush and leaving big whelping places on her perfectly coifed hair..

That One Mom said...

oh Jillian, how I want to punch you.....

Rebecca said... thighs aren't *supposed* to touch! Damn!

As tough as this was to read (b/c I totally remember the toilet thing from my days of doing squats), I oddly want to try it!

Lourie said...

No squats for me. My knees will not allow it. As for what's her name, well I am six feet tall. I will punch her in the nose for ya. haha. I am not the size I want to be either. But I am working towards it.

Don't over do it...anymore. Be kind to yourself.

Frugal Vicki said...

shhhh, I am cheating. I am doing wii active, but am also secretly using Jillian's fat burner thingies.

But, if it helps, I thought I was dying after my first few days. I kept telling my hubby it wasn't normal to hurt that does get better. But then, I haven't tried the shred yet.

Dual Mom said...

I'm laughing at you and I'm not there to witness this hilarity first hand....I suspect hubs is pissing himself on a regular basis!

But do you know what...GOOD FOR YOU!!! You're doing something about it rather than just complaining about the fact that a fucking scientist has has not yet invented a skinny pill! That's what I want.

You go girl.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I did one day of the shred and quit. I knew if I kept doing it it was going to kill me. So I'm doing other stuff til I think I can try again. I'm actually going to rent some of her other videos and see if I can work up to the shred.

Spot said...

Jillian Michaels can suck it. I'm stuck doing exercises they gave me from physical therapy until my knee decides to work properly again. And yesterday I thought they were super easy especially the one to stregthen my hip joints. Until I got home and couldn't walk.

I totally feel for you. Two words- muscle relaxers. =]


gayle said...

I am doing IT too!! 2 days this week!!
Good luck to us underarms hurt and I haven't even add weights yet.