Friday, April 30, 2010

Gotta Love a Tween

I will definitely link up with Glamazon and confess my sins of the week, but first I have a few stories to show you where I’m coming from.  (See below for the link up!) 

I swear to the Holy Person upstairs that the tween has GOT to be one of a kind!!

My sister reminded me of this one just a couple days ago. 

A few years back the tween was diagnosed with ADD….Not ADHD because she does not have the hyperactivity part of the disorder.  She really has a mild case, on MOST days, but damn, on other days I would swear she is nothing less than Strawberry Shortcake  with an unpredictable personality disorder!

At one point I was really trying to understand the diagnosis of ADD.  I wanted to do what was best for her.  I wanted to learn all their was to learn so that I could help her in any way I could.  I spent time online researching.  I bought a few books on parenting a child with ADD/ADHD.  One of these such books was in my car when I went to pick her up from her dance class.

Me:  How was class?

Tween: Good.  Can we get McDonald’s?

Me: Ummm…ok.

Tween:  I’ll have a 10 piece with fries and a sweet tea.

Me:  Sure.

Tween:  No, make that a 6 piece.  I’m not that hungry.

Me:  Fine.

We pull up to the window to order.  I get a couple words out of my mouth and she says, “No, wait!!  I’ll have a cheeseburger, plain.”

Me:  Fine.  But does that mean with or without cheese? (Because with her you need to ASK or you will get it wrong)

Tween:  Without.  (See what I mean?)

Me: Then it’s a hamburger.

Tween:  Forget it.  I’ll have the nuggets.  10 of them.  Did you know that one of the kids at school is a smoker?

Me:  No, I did not.  That’s not good.

Tween:  And he’s been living here only a couple of months.

Me:  Ok….

Tween:  And he has 3 dogs, 4 cats, and a snake.  But he smokes.

Me:  *silence*

Tween:  And he has  a girlfriend but it’s not me.

Me:   ….ummmm….good?  Bad?  Good for his animals…bad for the smoking…I think.  And good you’re not his girlfriend…yes, this is definitely good.

The tween then notices the books on the floor.  She picks the one up titled, “Parenting the ADD/ADHD child” and starts flipping through it.  I didn’t think anything of it.  After all, she wears a medication patch for her ADD that I slap on her ass each morning as I try to get her up for school.  We’ve also gone for counseling.

She puts the book down.



me: What?

Tween:  Who has ADD??

Me:  What do you mean “who has ADD???”

Tween:  Well, you have that book.

Me:  Are you (fucking) kidding me??  Seriously??

Tween:  *silence*

Me:  Honey…that would be you that has ADD.  You know, patch on the ass?  Long talks with Matt (psychologist)??

Tween:  Ok…that’s ok with me. 

Me:  Ok, honey…cuz it’s ok with me too.

Tween:  Did you get cheese on my burger or not?



Tween:  Ok…that’s good…..did you get sauce???

Wow!!!  Hard to follow along here?  Yeah…that’s why I love her.

So, yesterday she comes home from school asking if we can run to CVS to buy these animal shaped rubber bands.  I realllllly didn’t want to go for this.  It’s just another thing that is popular with the kids in her school…and by the month of June it will no longer be popular.  I told her not today.  She whined….

Me:  I really don’t have the money for that right now.  I don’t get paid until Friday.

Tween:  They aren’t that much.  It’s just up at CVS.

Me:  I get paid Friday…we’ll go then.

Tween:  Pleassssse!?  I’ll sweep the floor.

Me:  Go ahead, but that doesn’t mean we are going.

She sweeps the floor. 

Tween:  Can we go now?

Me:  I didn’t say I was taking you.  Did you put away your clothes?

Tween:  I’ll do that right now!!

Me:  Ok…but that doesn’t mean I’ll take you tonight.

She puts away her clothes; sets the table when asked, helps clean up the toddler disaster….

Tween:  Mom….

Me:  What?

Tween:  Can we go after dinner?

Me:  Go where?

Tween:  You said you’d take me to get the rubber bands!!

Me:  I did?  I don’t think so.  I said I don’t get paid until Friday.

Tween:  Please???  I have $13.

Me….sonofafreakinbitch!!!  Not said to her face.  Said in my head.  How can I not take her now if she has her own money? 

So I take her.  No animal shaped rubber bands to be found at CVS.  The cashier says she heard they have them at the CVS in the city 20 minutes away.  I can see the tween’s brain computing this…..

I say thank you to the stupid-ass cashier for putting that idea in my tween’s head.  I look at the tween and say, “ab-so-lute-ly NOT!” 

We did stop at Office Max (that’s in our town)…she found some rubber bands of different shapes but not exactly what she wanted.  She bought them anyways because it was better than nothing.  She also bought some mechanical pencils that she promised to share with me.  I love me some niiiiiice mechanical pencils!!


We get home, pull in the garage, and she says, “Can we go tomorrow to the other CVS where that lady said they have the rubber bands?”


Tween (at the same time I am screaming Noooooooo) WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????



Me:  Listen here…tomorrow is Thursday.  You just spent all your money on the half-assed animal shaped rubber bands which means you are broke and I don’t get paid until when???  FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Tween:  Oh…okay.  Then maybe on Friday you can take me? 

Wow….enough….I’m done with rubber bands of any kind.  She’ll have to walk if she wants to get there.

So, in honor of Glamazon and Friday Confessional…here you have it:

I confess I was dumbfounded the tween didn’t know she was the one with ADD.  Why on earth would I slap a medication patch on her ass every morning??  Huh??  Or did she think that was my method of waking her up?  Asmack on the ass is usually how the spouse greets ME….but I don’t usually greet my children this way, especially first thing in the morning.

I confess that I seriously wanted to knock her block off when she asked if we could run to the other CVS to get the rubber bands the following day…..short term memory loss??

I confess that I laughed my ass off when I hollered NOOOOOOOOOO!  and she hollered WHYYYYYYYYYYY?  Seriously…it was pretty funny.  Even my Sis thought so because I was actually on the phone with her at the time.  I think she thinks I’ve lost my marbles.  Actually, I think my Sis wishes she was me…40-something Mom, 2 toddlers and an ADD Tween….yeah, she definitely wants to be me.

I also confess that I do almost anything in my power to keep my kids happy, and if it’s rubber bands then it’s rubber bands….I can handle it.  I did get the floor swept and the table set and the toddler toys picked up and the tween’s clothes put away in exchange, right??

And most of all, I confess that when the tween was in the bathroom screaming her bloody head off I had visions of her bleeding to death from trying to shave her legs for the first time.  I was horrified at the sound coming from behind the closed door.  She let me in…..AND….this was way worse than her bleeding to death….


Seriously…is all this stress necessary in my life? 

I also confess that I took the iPod back to the store I bought it from, lied through my teeth explained to them that it just “quit working” and gave me a “white screen of death”….They tried to restore it without success.  Then they nicely replaced it through the manufacturer’s warranty!!!  OMG!!  I love them!!

Last confession??  I am NOT telling the tween that I got her iPod replaced for a very long time.  She needs to do some serious ass-kissing!!

That’s all I’ve got this week for confessions…well, almost all I’ve got….yeah…I’m not gonna tell you EVERYTHING!!  Geeesh!  I have a reputation to protect!!

So, go link up and enjoy the cleansing feeling you get after confessing!!

Friday confessional


Linda Medrano said...

I adore your tween but she makes me a tad dizzy and I am already dizzy enough! LOL! What a hoot that girl is! Actually, she doesn't sound unlike my husband Alex in a lot of ways! I'm just sayin...

Glamazon said...

Wow, those stories were awesome! You've got your hands full, for sure. I wish I could have heard you yell 'noooo' and her yell 'whyyy' at the same time, I laughed while reading it.

Thanks for playing!

Rebecca said...

After teaching middle school for years, I'm wondering what you find odd about this conversation...they did it...they turned me into one of them. I can follow them. I speak their language. Yet, I still cannot figure out what is so intriguing about these damn animal rubber bands...WTF?

You're not the only one who gets woken up with a smack on the ass...really gets you in the mood, doesn't it? ;)

Lourie said...

I feel your pain, lovey! I have one with ADD and another with ADHD. And the one with ADD seriously will forget something she or you said two seconds ago. It's a fun life. My youngest is just crazy. Hahaha.

Allyson & Jere said...

Visiting from Glamazon.

LOVED your stories. Though i'm sure I may have taken a shovel to my face a long time ago if I had to deal with the ADD in the drivethrough. That was hysterical. I'd tell you a story, but it'd take to long, and you don't know me or care, so therefore, no story about th boy with ADHD.

Anyway, loved your confessional and your writing. I think I'll come back to read some more.

The Empress said...

but your life is never boring, is it? And she is the blog fodder that keeps on giving, isn't she?

Yeah, I love her, too.

Now I know what I sound like to my family...:)

Frugal Vicki said...

Okay, I had to read this aloud to my husband, who know thinks our son has ADD. Uh....he is only three. He doesn't have ADD, at least yet. Right now he has a case of the toddler.
But what is all the deal with these stupid bracelets. This is like the fourth post I have read about it!

Kat said...

I do wish I had the babies, but I don't want to go through anymore tweens, teens and anything else in that neighborhood!! Nope...can't they leave home about ohhhhh...8 and return about ohhhhh...age 20...oh wait! I had one do that and bring a girlfriend and create a baby under my roof with no job. Hmmmmmm...I'm coming back in my next life as a clueless man :)

Tina said...

Give her that damn iPod already for my sake plz?

Dual Mom said...

I thought my tween was the only one crazy enough to take her Ipod touch in the bathroom. It's nice to know there are others like her.

Real Dads Hangout said...

Can I get one of those patches? I want my wife to slap my ass! Oh and your a pisser but I know it wasn't funny when it was happening to you!