Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Diets May or May Not Work

I think most people at one time or another have felt the need to diet.  Maybe for a special occasion….you know, like a wedding or a vacation…..But how many of us will go to great lengths to lose those unwanted bulges and pounds??  Seriously, what’s the worst you have done to lose some weight??

I can tell you a few things that I may or may not have done….

I’ve may have done Nutri System in the past with great success.  I kid you not, I did NOT cheat not one bit for 13 weeks, all through the holidays I ate their freeze dried foods and tasteless chips and chocolate bars that were hard enough to crack a tooth on…..I lost 39 pounds on this program and was able to fit into a size 2!!  Woo hoo for me!!  That was before kids.  Before marriage.  Obviously before I had any real stress in my life.

The only downfall?  I eventually needed my gallbladder removed because of the extremely low fat content of this diet.  Yep…bye-bye gall bladder!!  So, awesome weight loss at the cost of an organ that I really wasn’t needing anyways.  Pretty much ideal.

Unfortunately I gained it back.  It took time…it’s not like the weight just came back over night.  I had to eat alot of chips, drink alot of chocolate martinis, and oh yeah….I got married…..


When I got pregnant with my first child I was at a reasonable weight….Well, I say it was reasonable NOW because I am 25 pounds heavier than that weight.  Ain’t THAT a bitch??

Anyfatso, after having my first child I struggled and struggled with trying to lose weight. 

I may or may not have considered the strategy outlined by Horace Fletcher, a Californian diet reformer who suggested we chew each bite that we take 32 times….I think one time for each tooth or something.  The idea was that if you spend more time chewing then there is less time to stuff your face.  Interesting concept, but shit….I had things to do and couldn’t spend that much time chewing let alone COUNT each chew.  May you RIP, Horace.

I may or may not have tried the Cabbage Soup diet.  The main ingredient was…cabbage, of course!!  What happens to someone that consumes nothing but cabbage for 7 days straight?  I think they pretty much expand internally and are in a life-threatening state of combustion if they were to go near any open flames….I’m just speculating since I may or may not have tried this. 

I personally don’t believe this “cabbage” diet has much nutritional value, so I would be careful if you chose to try it.  I have tasted the soup before which is delicious when had on a single day, at a single meal….possible with a loaf of fresh Italian bread.

I may or may not have tried Nutri System again….I may or may not have thrown out boxes and boxes of their freeze dried foods months later when I realized I just didn’t have the motivation.  Oh wait….I may or may not still have a bag of the tasteless snacks in the back of my closet….

I may or may not have tried Slim Fast for about 3 days and then decided I wanted more than a chalky liquid breakfast and lunch.

I may or may not have considered the Tapeworm diet.  I did find out that tapeworms of this variety are illegal in the U.S.  That means I couldn’t have them imported and if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to sell them either.  Such a shame….I may or may not have considered consuming a large amount of undercooked or raw beef in the hopes that I would be infected with one of the said illegal worms, but by that time I was already a nurse and knew that this idea was preposterous!!  Not as preposterous as a tapeworm from pork, those can be lethal!  The ones from beef are different…..but ya know what?  It sort of freaked me out that I would have a “guest in my gut” consuming most of my food….Yes, I would lose weight pretty quickly, but the idea of this wiggling thing in my gut freaked me out!!

  I may or may not have fallen prey to the One Day Diet.  You know the one….You eat these wafers and fruit on one day and then the next day you can eat what you want.  Then you repeat the cycle…eat one day….wafers/fruit the next and so on……Yep….I think it’s mind over matter.  I have no problem going a whole day without food now, but damn, you tell me I CAN’T EAT for one day, and that’s the day I want to eat everything in sight! 

It took somewhere around six or seven years after having my first child for me to find something that worked for me.  I lost weight mostly by counting points through the Weight Watchers program.  I know, People….IT WORKS!!  Well, it DID then anyways.  I was back down to a happy weight.  During that time is when I lost my spouse in an accident and a short while after that I met my current spouse.

Exactly….didn’t I tell you earlier that what sabotaged my “happy weight” was getting married???  See???  I know what the fuck I’m talking about!!  So….with this marriage came 2 more babies….and now I’m at a weight that I despise!!

I may or may not have recently tried the Jillian Michael’s Cleanse and Detox product.  I may or may not have gained 2 pounds while on this product.  I may or may not have been full of shit.  My spouse would probably say I am….but seriously…who the fuck gains weight on a detox and cleanse program??  Obviously someone who is NOT full of shit!!  I will now take a bow.

So, here I am today….at a weight I dislike as much as I dislike bill collectors.  I may or may not be trying to watch what I eat.  I may or may not be trying to only eat fruits and veggies during the day and then eat a light dinner.  I may or may not have the Weight Watchers Point System in the back of my mind.  I may or may not be living on popcorn 94% fat free as my in between fruits/veggies snack.

I may or may not throw the dagnabbit bathroom scale out the window. 

I haven’t decided yet.

I DO know that my spouse says he loves me the way I am.  I DO know that it’s not all about what the scale tells me.  So why do I let it piss me off so much?? 

Here’s to my next diet craze!!   Happy Wednesday!!


Lo said...

From someone who has lost and gained the same 40 pounds a gazillion times in my life, all I can say is .....sob.

Lourie said...

I am on WW. It's slow, but it's going down. That's what I want. I don't like scales. They usually lie or mock.

Small Town Girl said...

There must be a full moon. I may or may not have started a *sigh* diet today too. AND I may or may not have even worked out to Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD this morning too. And all in hopes of wearing a swimming suit that doesn't make me look like a beached walrus in Mexico for a wedding.

Pam (The Reader) said...

I've done every diet but can honestly say that the tape worm diet never hit my radar...BRILLIANT LOL!

You are wonderful the way that you are :D

*LLUVIA* said...


I love this post! I lost 55lbs just by counting calories. i got pregnant and gained them all back and i'm now on swquare one again!! i need the motivation all over again. i lost 13lbs so far but that's it. srry about the tyopos i have the baBY.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I've tried some really crazy diet stuff, including those belts that shock you. Now, I'm just doing low cal/moderately low carb, and trying to get some exercise.

Real Dads Hangout said...

I have only tried one "diet", the South Beach Diet. I actually lost AA LOT of weight in 4 months with minimal exercise. I stopped following the plan and slowly gained it back. Following your idea of organ removal..the gall bladder is indeed small but when other organs are removed in addition it adds up. Can possibly sell them on the blackmarket and make some extra scratch too. You in?

Cheeseboy said...

I've had my Gall Bladder out and it's not too bad. I got a lot of attention and love and I got to sit around the house and do nothing for quite a while.

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Diets don't work, a change in attitude and lifestyle does. When I changed my attitude towards my health, and what I needed to put into my body to maintain that health, I lost weight and have never felt better. Small portions, wholesome foods, no prepackaged processed junk, plenty of fresh vegetables,'s not rocket science. But most people are not willing to put forth the effort to make a change for the better. We'd rather believe in "miracle" diets, pills and powders.

Spot said...

I have lost and gained the same 40 lbs over the last eight years. I have found that diets don't work for me. I have to change my attitude and get more active. I have also found that the older I get, the harder it is to lose. And the harder it is to get my body to cooperate with the whole "active" part. *sigh*

On a good note, I'm firmly convinced that chubby people look younger. No One ever guesses I'm 40 and that I have 4 teenagers.


Kat said...

I don't think anything works. Except Weight Watchers...and you have to have the gumption and the energy to count all those points and exercise...and who the hell has THAT all the time?

gayle said...

Love ww points!! Trying but I am at a stand still..........just had a milk shake but I ate a salad first. Tomorrow is another day!

Mr. Stupid said...

My Uncle got his Gall bladder removed too. It didn't worry him much. He eats everything he wants and doesn't really care what the scale says!

Mad Woman said...

Y'know, I've tried every diet out there and the only one that has ever worked and helped me keep the weight off is Weight Watchers. And that's because it's not a diet. *sigh*

I love that little cartoon of the bride eating the cake. Cute!

Linda Medrano said...

Terry, I am very fortunate to have never been more than 10 pounds over weight. My sister after child #3, got up to 100 pounds over weight. She tried everything and finally went to WW. In less than a year, she has taken it all off and kept it off now for almost 10 years. I am a true believer. She did no real exercise beyond walking but she did that daily. Good luck Honey!

Imaginative Me said...

I am totally with Nakamuras on Saipan on this! Diets are money makers, most supplements that promise you to lose 10 lbs in 3 days are ridiculous money makers! The Weight Loss industry is one of the TOP money making industries in the world. Why do you think that is?? Because it doesn't work and people will continue to buy the gimmicks because they are desperate! You have to change your habits, simple as that. throw out everything with WHITE flour, replace with WHOLE WHEAT! Lose the sugar, lose the fried foods, lose the ridiculously processed foods, you know the ones that you can't even decipher what is in them!!!
Eat pure, real, whole foods. No soda, limit your alcohol, and drink water. I know from experience this works! And any diet plan that tells you that you do not need to exercise is another freaking lie. Nothing will make you feel better!

Anonymous said...

WW point system has always been the most successful way for denying myself anything. :)

You are gorgeous the way you are...but I totally get this diet thing.

Jenny said...

What a totally hilarious post! I may or may not have tried some of those solutions myself! Really cute!