I’m having a hell of a week, and it’s only Wednesday!! I decided it was quite necessary to partake in the What the Hell Wednesday meme sponsored by the gals over at Blue Monkey Butt. Come on…you can play too! Just link up!
So….Monday night I thought “mayyyyy-be” I might have a UTI…the frequency, the burning…the urgency…..shit…..
I think I’ve only had one of these ONE time before.
Those of you who read my blog know I’m a nurse, and with the help of my big Sis over at 2010-Year of Miracles, I like to treat myself. Well….in order to treat, I need to diagnose myself first, so fortunately I had these little strips available that were going to say “yay” or “nay” in regards to a UTI.
I kid you not….I was stuck in the bathroom for at least an hour!! WHAT THE HELL?? Every time I decided I didn’t have to go any more, I would then get the urge.
I got out my nice little diagnostic test strip.
I pee on it.
Well, I THINK I pee on it. Unfortunately I only had enough to hit one fucking square on the strip, and there are two!
Ok…so yes, positive for nitrites.
I wait another 10 minutes…take a few sips of my trusty Diet Coke….feel like I have to pee buckets….and I manage to squeeze out another drop-luckily hitting the second square.
Ok….also positive for leukocytes.
Now what the HELL am I supposed to do at 11:30 pm??
You got it…..
I called my doc first thing Tuesday and talk with the nurse. I tell her what I needed and she said she will let the doctor know. I tell her to hurry the fuck up before I die and she graciously says…”ok, honey….relax….” Don’t fucking belittle my misery!! Seriously!!
All day long I suffer with spasms of my….what the hell is it….I think it would be my urethra…..anyways…it felt like someone was sticking a damn needle in me…..it was a steering wheel gripping kind of pain.
I do my work, I visit my patients, use their bathrooms several times per visit, and continue to hope for that phone call saying a script was called into the pharmacy.
I finally get the call at noon. I hop in my car, nearly knocking the little old lady patient of mine to the ground as I race on out of there. Then….OHHHH….a damn muther trucker of an insect flies into my car as I am speeding down the main road towards Walgreens. Yes….I whack the muther but it falls to the floor….
The damn thing had pinchers!!!! Looked like a damn earwig!! I don’t even know what an earwig is but damn it looked like one!!
SHIT SHIT and Double-SHIT!!!
Missing BUG!! THAT SUCKS!!!!
I am still speeding like there is no tomorrow…well, in my eyes there won’t be if I don’t get this pain resolved. And that means no tomorrow for me, my doc, my spouse, the damn postman, the street cleaner, the cashier at the local Walmart…. and anyone else who pisses me off!
I get a phone call. My bluetooth piece is dead so I have to put the person on speaker as I speed. Wouldn’t want to be speeding and talking on the phone, ya know?? That’s pretty much illegal….the speeding part….
The person is jabbering away. Not even hearing if I’m responding or not. Yak yak yakkity yak yak….on and on and on…..
Not even hearing when I scream…..
“Holy Fucking Shit the bug is back!!!!! It’s on my leg!! Oh shit!!”
She keeps talking….
I nearly take out a mailbox…..well, ummmm, maybe I DID take it out….maybe not…..
She keeps talking……
I’m stomping my left foot hoping to God I’m killing the damn monster of a bug that was crawling on my leg….
She KEEPS talking….
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?????
I am nearly hyperventilating and wondering if I have a paper bag somewhere under the seat, but then remember the bug and certainly don’t want to be reaching under there for anything.
I pull off the main road, throw it into park, hop out…
SHE is STILL TALKING!!!!
Dear lord….if I kill this bug and make it to the pharmacy before my urethra disintegrates, I will go to church every Sunday until pig’s fly…I swear…I promise……
I kill the bug.
It’s somewhere under the floor matt.
I hang up on the incessant talker because she was doing me no good anyways.
I make it to the pharmacy.
I get my medication. I ask if I can double the first dose in hopes of it taking effect a bit sooner. The pharmacist states it won’t matter if I do. He suggested an over the counter tablet that will help quicker with the burning and spasms….the only side effect being that it will turn my urine bright orange. “Just a little weird”, he says. I say…..
WHAT the HELL!? I don’t care if it turns my urine fucking purple and my hair green!!! Gimme Gimme Gimme!!!!
So I sit here and recap my god-awful day. I realize I did survive. And I WILL survive. The pain is less. My urine is the color of a Backyardigan….the orange one, of course.
But does this mean I have to go to church?? I wouldn’t want to scare anyone. I wouldn’t want any beautiful buildings of worship catching fire…. Besides….did you just SEE THAT?? Out the fucking window!! Look!! Hurry!!!
Thank you, once again…flying pigs!!! You rock!!