Having a 2 1/2 year old, a 4 year old and a Teen can be trying. It was easy when there was just the one…..but now…hell, I think I lose a bit of sanity every day.
I read a blog post the other day….by Rebecca over at Unexplained X 2. OMG…I was rollingonthefloorlaughingmyassoff kind of giggling to myself. No kidding. Why? Because of how she describes what she does with her little ones just to keep them safe….that is exactly what I do, if not worse.
Are all Mom’s like this? I do know that a few short weeks ago when I couldn’t find my Little Man for about THREE HOURS I was definitely on my way to a full-blown cardiac arrest! Oh, ohh-kay…it was more like three MINUTES but still!! I thought I was headed to meet my maker!
You see, this is how it all went down…..
I went in the bathroom to
smoke and play on my iPod take care of business. I may have been in there a little longer than I should have been, but in my defense, the spouse was in the dining room playing Bejeweled Blitz right on task in case anyone decided to swing from the chandelier. Yes, he was definitely watching the little ones with one eye on the computer.
WAIT!! WTF?? There was my clue right there….
All. Was. Quiet. Red flag! Red flag!! I should have known something was not right.
But I didn’t notice a thing as I came out of the bathroom.
All looked to be completely in order. The Teen was on the recliner watching TV because this is what she does best. I walked through the dining room, pass up the spouse who was now going to take his turn
surfing the net from his Blackberry in the bathroom.
I walk through the kitchen….nothing amiss there. I go back to the living room and notice Lil Lady playing her game on the couch.
Ahhhh…peaceful moment….So…I sit down for like not even 2 seconds. In fact, I’m not sure my fat ass touched the cushion before I popped up and said, “Where’s Manny??” Already in a panic because I had been out of the bathroom for a few minutes without hearing him, I ran into his bedroom. Nope…no Manny there.
I went into my bedroom because he’s been known to climb into my bed and nap on rare occasion (like when he’s dehydrated from the damn flu). Nope…not there either.
Pulse rate is rising. Head is starting to pound. And of course, as Rebecca would say, I was sweating profusely!!
Where the hell did he go?
I checked the basement. No Manny laying at the bottom of the stairs with a twisted femur.
I ran outside on the back porch. He was not on the porch. He was not playing in the sand box. He was not even swinging the hose around like lasso. Nope. But then………I notice the garage doors are both wide open which means if he went in the side door of the garage, he could get out front to the street! Oh my fucking gawd I was gonna die…..
I took a quick look out front. I’m screaming his name over and over. Nothing. He wasn’t out front. And if he was, his 2 1/2-year-old legs are a hell of a lot faster than my 43-year-old legs!
I ran back in the house to inform the spouse that on HIS WATCH his Little Man had gone missing. Yes, I said MISSING!! He was surely abducted, or he went into the back yard towards the creek. I was certain of it. We were gonna be on the 10 o’clock news. I knew this would happen. We should have sold this house as soon as we realized we were having a boy because boys don’t listen!! They run off! They do stupid things like climbing trees and jumping off garage roofs and playing in CREEKS!!
The spouse ran outside to the back yard. (As soon as he wiped the dumb look off his face and gathered his wits about him)
Our back yard is not little…and there is a creek wayyyyy in the back….a creek that scares the living crap out of me. It’s like at least 30 feet deep….No, seriously…it’s not deep except for in a few select spots…but it’s been a nightmare in my past that I don’t really talk about….So, yes, the creek is creepy.
I went back in the house
to die to look again…maybe he was in my room but I didn’t realize it because I have so many blankets….ugh….by this time I feel like I have lost several years off my life and when I find him I’m pretty sure I’ll smother him to death with kisses beat his ass.
As I’m in my room mumbling about how-stupid-I-was-to-be-in-the-bathroom-so-long-and-how-brainless-the-spouse-was-for-not-realizing-Little-Man-had-been-kidnapped-right-from-under-his-nose-and-how-does-one-lose-their-kid-in-their-OWN-house–when-there-are-2-adults-and-a-teenager-to-keep-an-eye–on-him, I hear a little voice come across the monitor. Yes, we still use the monitor because one never knows what will happen when we are sleeping. (Or when we are just using the damn bathroom!!) He says, “I right here, Mommy!”
WHAT THE FUCK?? If I hear him over the monitor that means he’s not in MY room, and he’s not outside in the creek, and he’s not laying smooshed in the street…and…..he’s…..OMG!!! He’s in HIS room!! The first fucking place I had looked!!
Yes…he was “just hiding” in Lil Lady’s bed. Under ALL her stuffed animals and pillows.
He was so damn cute when he popped his head out of there that I couldn’t beat him. He was grinning from ear to ear which shows his dimples….Soooo not funny, Little Man. I betcha can’t tell I’ve gotten a little gray-er up top in the past 3 minutes, now can ya?? Would you like to count my heart rate you little shit?? Huh? Would ya??
So, you see…life is never dull around here. And yes, Rebecca, I think all Mom’s have the moments that make us sweat….and that, my dear friends, is why God…or someone else (Mr. Secret?)…invented antiperspirant/deodorant! Cuz we never ever EVAhhh wanna let them see us sweat!
Your turn! What makes YOU sweat??