What The…??

Ok Ohhh-kayyyyy, it’s Thursday and I’m just now posting my What the Hell Wednesday post.  I know I’m behind.  In fact, that’s my middle name lately.  And ya know what else?  I don’t freakin care!

So, I’m gonna link up anyways because I can.  Can you?

 

 

I faxed my employer my updated W-4 form.  My goal is to receive more money in my check and to hell with receiving a lump sum at the end of the year.  First I called and asked them for a form.  Two weeks later I realized I never got the form.  What the hell?  Ok…so maybe that was too much to ask them.  I found my own form on the internet cuz I’m smart like that.  I faxed it.  I got paid today.  No fucking change in withholdings.  WHAT THE HELL, EMPLOYER????

So, apparently I need to drive the 20 minutes to the office in the hopes that someone is there to receive my W-4 form in person.  Otherwise I’ll put it in the lock bock and it will take another 2 weeks for someone to find it.

I just don’t get it….

My sweet Cali puppy…yes…she is wreaking havoc on my back window screen no more.  You see…she would jump up to try to get our attention to let her back in.  I was getting furious because I kept mentioning this to the spouse but the spouse wasn’t doing anything to fix the issue.  I think he thought I would do something….

 

 

Well, I was working on WHAT to do…use plexi-glass to cover the part she could reach?  Take the screen out completely and forget about being able to open that window??  I had some ideas….BUT…..I really didn’t know what would be the correct thing to do.

I asked the spouse again….he got disturbed about it.  Possibly because of the way I mentioned it this time.  You see…I just keep hoping that because I mention something, thy will be done.  (you know, like in our vows??)   Nope.  And he’s aware that this is my expectation….but I’m not sure he worries too much about the repercussions.  This time he got ticked off thinking I was insinuating that he doesn’t do things as well as my late spouse (I would NEVER insinuate this!)…or that he doesn’t do things quick enough….(again, NEVER….) but anylateness, he got ticked and stormed off saying he would fix the muther fucker….well, not those words cuz he doesn’t usually talk like that.  But….THIS is what I got….

 

 

He BABY-GATED the muther fucker!!  Yes!  THOSE are MY words cuz I DO talk like that!!  Seriously??  This is what I have to look at out my kitchen window??  Ahhhhhhh……..He said, “Are you ok with that?”  Ummmm…..yeah, sure…no problem….honey…

WHAT THE HELL? 

What am I gonna say?  No, dear…that’s a little off the wall…yep,  I pretty much think it’s not too kosher to babygate a window.  At least I can be happy that it’s not one of the FRONT windows, right?

My teenage daughter used to play the flute.  She did fairly well for never practicing only playing the thing at the band concerts.  Now…guess what?  She has changed instruments.  Just a little change from a flute….

 

 

I was all like “what the fuck is THAT??”  (I really have no clue about instruments…well, maybe a drum…)  It’s a “bari-sax”…or more specifically, a baritone saxiphone.  What the hell, teenager??  Maybe there should be a weight requirement for this instrument and your 92 pounds just doesn’t cut it!

What’s even funnier is that she cannot bring this thing back and forth from home to school….it belongs to the school.  We cannot find a place that rents them because I was told “they are extremely expensive and you’d have to give up your last born if something happened to it.”  As tempting as that may be…well, no….I wanna keep my Little Man as long as I can.  So…the teen only gets to practice during band class.  She cannot play the songs yet.  I asked her what she was going to do for the concert this past Tuesday and her reply?  “My teacher told me to fake it.”

WHAT THE HELL, TEACHER?? 

Seriously?  I pay a fee for her to be in band and she gets to pass by FAKING IT???  Oh no-n0…..No we do not like this idea at all.

I could go on and on with What the Hell Moments, but as we have already established, this post is a day late, and What the fucking HELL happened to my desk???

 

I think I have a bit of cleaning up to do!!

 

Happy Wedn….ooops!!  Happy Thursday!!

The Real Me….

Ok, on Friday’s I usually confess my sins of the week to Glamazon, but apparently she’s off having leg transplants or something like that.  She’s certain she’s going to have model-like legs afterwards, so let’s just let her dream, k??  Oh, and if you want to wish her some good luck with that, hop on over to her place and do just that!  You can find her here, at Glamazon!!

So, instead, I’m gonna tell you about the real me.  Ohhh, you can stifle the groans now, it’s not appreciated.  Thank you kindly.

Jen over at Denton Sanatorium asked if anyone wanted to show their “Real Me”….if you want to, you can link up over at her place.  I think we are supposed to post a pic of ourselves, so beware!  Jen’s looks awesome…mine?  Probably not so awesome, but I yam who I yam, ya know?  Go ahead, link up if you’d like!

(Did you ever “save picture as” and then when you go to retrieve it, you can’t find the fucking thing?  Yep…I just did that, twice…so, if you want to link up with Jen, just click on the link above!  Damn.)

First of all…this is me…take it or leave it….

 

 

Oh come ONNNNN!!  I’m kidding!! 

That’s my brother!!

Seriously….THIS is me…

 

I’m sorry…I’d be looking through 4 years of pics if were to post one of the entire me…that is probably the last time I let anyone take a pic of more than my face.  Oh, and I no longer have pretty nails because I don’t have the time or the money….shit, being a Mom is hard work, isn’t it??

I have body image issues.  My spouse doesn’t understand why.  Well, why would he?  He’s a man!  They don’t seem to complain about gaining 10 or even 20 pounds…they laugh it off.  Ohhh…to be a man!!

My middle child is 4.  Before her I was hot!   No…not really.  But I felt much better about myself. 

Then came Little Man…he’s 2 1/2.  Still haven’t gotten back to where I was 4 years ago.  Maybe because I had THIS for lunch?

 

 

AND I brought THESE with me just in case I didn’t consume enough fat, carbs and sodium.

 

 

If it makes any difference, I drank a Diet Coke. 

You’re right…it doesn’t matter.  I really need to get control of what I eat.  Jen over at the Denton Sanatorium confessed that she bought a People magazine…well, I bought a Women’s World one just the other day because the lady on the cover lost tons of weight, and in this issue, she was going to share her secret.  What was her secret?? 

Cut down on your calories….eat less than what you put out….Oh wow….did she just figure this out??  I think we ALL know that….but do we do it??  Not me….

I’m destined to be fat.

Each morning I have good intentions of eating right.  I have my coffee before anything else.  From the moment I walk out of the bathroom, all good intentions are down the drain.  First because I have to spend at least 20 minutes getting the Teen to wake up.  Secondly, I have to chase around the 4 year old and the 2 1/2 year old AND the puppy.  Yes…this sweet Cali….

 

 

I nearly beat her ass when I saw THIS….

 

 

But then I remembered I bought THIS….

 

 

…and it works!!  Take THAT you furry-faced bastard!!

So, after chasing them all around and corralling them into one room so I can get their shoes on….the kids, not the puppy….we venture on out to the babysitter’s.  This is only after about 20 more minutes of consoling Lil Lady that I promise to come pick her up after work.  Geeesh!!  Does she really think I won’t??  Yeah, ok….so I scream and holler all the time that I can’t take anymore….and that I’ve had enough….and that….well…she should KNOW I love her, right?? 

This has been a big problem since starting the new sitter.  The last one was coming to the house, and I think the only reason Lil Lady is crying about going is that she doesn’t want to leave her house, her toys, her potty….her puppy…..

It just makes it so difficult because seriously…I don’t WANT to work, I HAVE to!!  I tried to tell her if I didn’t work we’d have to live out of Mommy’s car because we wouldn’t have a house….this only made her more sad….and me too!

My car….it’s not the cleanest it can be.  In my defense, I WORK out of my car.  I EAT in my car.  I SPILL white chocolate mochas in my car routinely.  I think my car has always had a tendency to have that “used” look, but in the past, before 3 kids, I had the time to clean it out.  Now I only have time to dispose of the white chocolate mocha cups…and I only do that to make room for the next round.

White Chocolate Mochas (no whip because I’m watching what I consume)….they are my favorite.  I think they are the reason for the financial issues we have.  I’m sorry, Dear Spouse….I’m an addict.

 

In the trash….

 

Stacked in the garage…

 

In my car…

 

What?  The clear cup with the straw?  Yeah, that’s my ice water.  I get one with the mocha because I truly believe the ice water dilutes the calories and also allows them to slide off my hips….(yes, I figured THAT out, but I’m not on the cover of no magazine….)

Funny, I actually Googled “coffee addict” to look for a pic.  Little did I know I had my OWN pics!!  Wow….

…I think I need an intervention.

No I don’t, this IS the real ME….take it or leave it.

Happy Friday!!

Thank you, Jen, for letting me link up!

WTH Wednesday and Email

I haven’t done this MEME for a while, but as I was checking email this morning (no, I’m not that important, it’s just what I do as I attempt to open my eyes and focus) I realized that I don’t get many emails worth reading.  I usually just delete, delete, delete but when I saw THIS….

 

 

….I immediately thought WHAT THE HELL??  Then I thought of Elle and Stacy over at Blue Monkey Butt.  Then   I thought I better link up with them for What the Hell Wednesdays.  Then, last but not least, I thought….when the HELL did I get a hip replacement??????

Link up and have fun!

 

Seriously, people??  How on earth would I get an email from the “Hip Recall Claim Center”???  Ok, fine, I complain at least 15 bazillion times a day that my hip doesn’t work like it should…but….it’s MY hip!!  It’s not an artificial hip!!  If I could file a claim for MY hip, I’d be filing it with the Man Upstairs, right?  And I’m not talking about my spouse in the recliner, or Little Man that is pulling the puppy by her tail…I’m talking about God here….Yes, THAT Man Upstairs.  Do you think He would offer a recall??

Next….

 

Serious WHAT THE HELL at this moment….Come ON, I really don’t want to be reminded of the weight I need to lose.  Especially at 5 fucking 30 in the morning!! 

Then…

 

 

 

Can we get serious here??  First of all I’m told I can file a claim and recall my aching hip, then I’m told to shed the fat and get fit, and now someone is saying I need to try this electronic cigarette because I shouldn’t be smoking the real bad boys?? 

WHAT THE HELL??

Can’t I just be who I am??  And who am I?? 

A fat, forty-ish limping nurse that smokes…..Yes, I have habits.

WHAT OF IT???

Oh, Dr. Oz…..don’t look at me like you KNOW….I should have never Googled your ass….

 

 

I also received a couple emails from the iTunes Store telling me my teen is helping herself to my iTunes bucks with the receipts from the Teen’s recent purchases.  Gonna kick her ass one of these days….

Also one email from an acquaintance that told me I had to forward the “Wish from God” to 10 friends or else I’ll wake up naked in the  middle of the mall or something equally insane.  First of all, I don’t have 10 friends.  Secondly, I can’t forward these because they freak me out.  I don’t read them either because, well, they freak me out!! 

I also received emails from Borders, Bath & Body Works and Direct TV. 

No REAL people….not a one.   But….apparently if I get bored with my spouse and my crazy life, I can meet people here:

 

Because obviously when you put on Facebook that you are married, they don’t CARE!!  They send you these emails at least 3 times a day! 

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, FACEBOOK???

That is all.  I’m off my soapbox  now….and if you care, what the hell??  Shoot me an email!!  Or just leave a comment.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!

My Little Man

Yes, My Little Man…..my last born….my 2 1/2 year old “Man”.  My sister once wrote a post about my anxiety when it comes to Little Man.  You can read it here and understand.

You see, my first born is now 13.  Yes…as a teenager she can be quite trying, but as an infant??  Perfect!!  As a toddler?  Perfect-o!!  As a young child??  You got it…

 

P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!

My second child was born 10 years later…Lil Lady.  She was a little finicky as an infant…only would take a poop once we released her diaper and laid her down.  She had a severe milk protein allergy which made the transition from formula difficult.  But, ohhhh, is she smart!  She was talking around 18 months.  She walked right on time.  Sure, potty training was a bit of a hassle, but we finally conquered it right before turning 4!! 

There there came Little Man. 

 

 

When I found out I was having a boy I was, to say the least, a bit nervous.  What on earth do you do with a boy???!!  What do you do with the little thingy between their legs once you bring them home from the hospital??  What??  I had to put vaseline on it to help it heal after the circumcision??  What?  I had to keep pushing back the forskin??  Holy crap-oly!! 

But I made it through the infant year.  Yes, I did.  Even though he was always climbing from the moment he could.  Because of Little Man I no longer had sweet little knick knacks throughout the house.  I’ve had to remove a lamp that he kept tipping over for the fun of seeing it fall onto the couch.  I had to move  out an end table that he liked to sit on top of…it was one of those cheapie ones that you really don’t put things on top of except for maybe a doily or something very light.  I’ve had baby gates attached to baby gates…without success…

Yes, we’ve done a bit of rearranging around here because of Little Man.  When he turned 2, we put latches up high on the doors leading to outside because he liked to leave the house.  We closed up the doggy door so he couldn’t escape that way.  We put latches on the gates outside so he couldn’t be found way in the back yard unsupervised by the creek!  For God’s Sake, we are like prisoners here in our own home.  It can take someone at least 20 minutes to LEAVE the house because of all the contraptions!!

 

Lately he’s been talking more and more.  He’s putting whole sentences together which is really awesome to hear.  For a while we wondered if he had a hearing issue or something because he had very few words.  NOW??  Oh, Man…..he can’t be kept quiet!!

He loves to aggravate his sisters.  I really didn’t know a 2 1/2 year old knew HOW to aggravate anyone on purpose, but this little guy does.  He likes to bug his biggest sister right when she’s so not in the mood.  It’s funny to hear them fight because she’s so serious about it, and he’s giggling the whole time.  He loves to pick on his other sister too.  Loves to just “touch” her to piss her off.  She’ll be screaming bloody murder that “Manny is touching me!!!!”  So I say, “Man, keep your hands to yourself.”  He says,

“I just TOUCHING her!”

Exactly!!  So knock it the fuck off!!

It’s funny…everything he says starts with, “I just…..”

Like the other day he was scooping up all the pasta out of the bowl at the dinner table….using just his hands of course.  The biggest sister told him to stop.  He didn’t.  She said it again.  He didn’t listen….again.  She yelled at him and he said,

“I JUST TAKING them!!”

Yeah, exactly!!  That’s what we don’t want you to do!!

The one night I went into his room and saw this:

 

Man!!!  What the fuck H-E-double hockey sticks are you doing????

Man says….

“I just YOOKING!!!”

and again….

 

 

Man!  Nice boots, baby!!  Whatcha doing??

(Those boots belong to Lil Lady)

“I just DIGGING!!”

So…it’s pretty funny, I think….

My oldest had a thought.  She said when he gets older he will probably be caught stealing money from bank or something and he’ll tell the policeman…

“I just ROBBING!”

Seriously though….I love my Little Man, and as much as he makes me want to beat my fucking head against the wall whack his sweet little ass at least 20 times a day….well, when he comes up and head butts me and says:

“I just LUBBING YOU!”

…I  melt.

This is for my baby boy, Little Man!!

 

Happy Sweetest Day!

How many of you are celebrating Sweetest Day with your "sweeties"??  I always thought that Sweetest Day was supposed to be spent lavishing your Sweetie with gifts and love and favors and acknowledgement....but today as I fought to sleep in with the chaos happening right outside my bedroom door, I didn't notice any of that happening here.

I got up because I could no longer lay there in bed....I stumbled to the kitchen, noticed there was only a sip of coffee left...stumbled to the bathroom because I knew I could not make another pot without emptying my bladder.  Went back to the kitchen...tried to make the coffee...still had not put in my contact (yes, I only wear one) so I was wearing my glasses which are only good enough to get me from the bathroom to bed, certainly not good enough to make coffee...and it was damn near impossible.  Trying my best to be nice, but Lil Lady was chattering away, Little Man was right behind her....OH MY LORD gimme strength!!

Also, I've noticed that when I can't see well, I can't HEAR either!!  Does that mean I do alot of lip-reading??  Scary thought for when I get older and my kids stick me in a nursing home where they always forget to put your glasses on or your hearing aide in....Shit....I'm doomed!

Anyways....I got the coffee made, took two Tylenol Arthritis (not that I'm arthritic, I'm just thinking ahead), I went to the basement to wake the teen and her two friends that slept over.  I got them moving.  I cleaned up the basement.  I started a load of clothes.

Finally took my shower...no, wait, I didn't shower, I only dunked my head in and washed my hair because I didn't want to be in there too long.  It was already late enough, after 10...which is crazy, even for my lazy ass!  I was just trying to be quick in case I was needed out in the living room, or the kitchen...or where ever it was that my Sweetie was going to acknowledge that I existed....I KNEW he had to have something up his sleeve...after all, even my Twitter people were posting Sweetest Day wishes!!

But still...no bestowing of gifts or affection came my way.  Hmmmmm....I KNOW it's Sweetest Day because people on Facebook are posting Happy Sweetest Day wishes too.....yep, they sure are.  I thought for a second that maybe I was....

Nope, not so.  It's definitely Sweetest Day. 

I decided...wait, let me look up this fucking Sweetest Day.  Cuz in the past there was at least an exchange of cards or something....and nope, that wasn't happening either.

Of course...... I GOOGLED it!!

This is what I found out:

Sweetest Day was founded around 1922 in Cleveland, Ohio by Herbert Birch Kingston who was a local candy company employee. Kingston sought to bring cheer and some happiness to the lives of those who were often forgotten. With the help of his friends, he began distributing candy and small gifts to children living in orphanages, those stricken with illness or disabilities, shut-ins, and others who were forgotten.

Ok, thank you Mr. Kingston.  I appreciate that you wanted to bring cheer to those "forgotten"....and help the kids in orphanages or the sickies out there in the world...but do you realize the expectations you've put on us now??  Yes, we EXPECT something good will happen on Sweetest Day.  At least I did! 

Of course, I did not get the spouse a card either....I think in the back of my mind I knew he had forgotten...so I didn't want him to feel bad if I got him one.  But...in my defense, I DID acknowledge one who is normally "forgotten"...one that is a "shut-in".  I gave him food...a heaping dish of food!!  And water...yes, could not forget the water....this poor "shut-in" had NO WATER!!  Can you believe that shit?  I also was nice enough to toss in a snack for after the meal.  Wow...I'm a true saint, yes??  Absolutely I am!!  Happy Sweetest Day, Spencer!  You truly aren't forgotten!!

                                                   Spencer-my 20 year old Cockatiel!!

I took care of the "ill" today too!  THAT would be ME!!  I took my Tylenol Arthritis....yes, it helped some of the aches and pains.  I also took my Claritin D which helps me to be awake....If I'm not AWAKE, I am pretty much DISABLED!  Happy Sweetest Day, Me!!

Now...I cannot make it to any orphanages today, so when I go out to work later, I will grab a few items for my own kiddos.  Happy Sweetest Day, Kiddos!!

As for my spouse?  Shit...I don't have a clue.  And yes, I feel lousy about it.  I'm not sure when the excitement of these holidays disappeared.  It makes me pretty damn sad, though.  Oh wait, I just allowed him to spend time with his brother working on an old tractor that they've been wanting to mess with for quite a while now....!!  Yes!!!  Happy Sweetest Day, Spouse!!  You've just been acknowledged!

And Cali Puppy??  Yeah, she get's acknowledged Every. Freakin. Minute!!  She gets love bestowed upon her constantly!!  And THAT, my friends,  is why she is exhausted....

I hope you all are having an awesome weekend and wonderful Sweetest Day!! 

PINT-WTF Puppy???

It’s time to link up with That One Mom over at Only Parent Chronicles!!  This week I am dedicating my post to the crazy-ass puppy that I thought was a NEED…not a WANT….now?  Yeah…not sure she falls in the NEED or WANT category!!  Link up!

 

 

You see…sweet little Cali, our pain in the ass fur ball nearly 4 month old Golden Retriever can be very obedient…but ONLY when I have that Clicker in one hand and treats in the other.  I can’t say it’s ALL her fault since the toddlers seem to run around and get her going.  Wait…it’s not just the toddlers either…the teen ALSO like to get her running around like a fucking maniac because it’s funny to see poor Cali plow into the couch full speed….

What?  That’s not funny?  Well, everyone seems to laugh as Cali shakes off the concussion…..

 

 

 

  

 

 

Cali can sit, lay down, turn around, and give the high-five….too damn cute!!  What’s not so cute is when she jumps up on the back door, and now that she is bigger she reaches the screen…..she is ripping holes in it!  I try to make her sit before opening the door….

 

 

 

 

 

 

She chews everything in site….boxes, pajamas, toys….

 

  

 

 

Really…she is destroying everything…little by little.  She nearly bit off Little Man’s nose because he thought he was being funny by folding her up into the little kid’s couch.  Yeah…not funny.  Lil Lady runs around holding a Poptart over her head just antagonizing the poor pup…

Although it’s kinda funny to hear a 4 year old say from the other room as calm as can be…

“Cali is biting me, again.  Yesss, Cali is chewing me UP!”

 

 

 

 

I left Cali gated in the kitchen while I went to work yesterday.  She got out.  Hey…it’s ok…she just lounged around on the couch all day and waited until I got home to piss in the dining room and shit in the kid’s room….

 

And then….whew…as I turn around here to see WTF she’s into now…yep….

      

…Humping the Bear footstool….

 

(…Hmmmm, maybe I should have kept that pic for a Happy Humpday post!!)

When all is humped, chewed, and mangled….Cali can be as sweet as can be….My four-legged pain in the ass furry friend that wags her tail profusely when I come home or even when I come out of the bathroom for that matter….She’s a lot of work, but a lot of fun too. 

Gotta love a satisfied puppy…

 

 

…and a Bear footstool that’s just been puppy-raped!

Anyhump…Happy Tuesday!!!  Hope your week is going well!!