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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Christmas Spirit Where Are You?

Thanksgiving is over and now comes the fucking rush spendid time that leads up to Christmas.

I’m sorry folks, I’m just not feeling it.  Today it snowed.  Yipee.  Yep….Lil Lady was thrilled, and when I say “thrilled” I mean to the point of getting-her-gloves-and-her-hat-on-and-forgetting-her-coat-and-running-outside-to-play-in-the-quarter-inch-that-dusted-the-deck kind of THRILLED! 

Me?  Not so  much.  It’s cold out side.  It’s blowing nasty winds that burn my sinuses.  I don’t see the beauty of the snow like Lil Lady.  I saw everything DEAD…

My dead clematis….

 

dead clematis

 

Chairs stacked because it’s too cold to sit outside…my dead passion flowers (more like ABSENT passion flowers due to the crazy-ass puppy eating them)….

 

dead passion flower

 

Lil Lady’s dead plant….Yes, even Miss Perky Pants Lilli noticed this one… 

 

dead plant

 

Despite the awesome job Mr. Sake did on the Christmas lights outside…..

 

xmas lights 

….I just don’t have the spirit.  I am forcing myself to listen to Delilah…..106.5 FM I think….All. Day. Long. Christmas. Music.  I find myself singing along out of habit.  I chuckle at the silly songs, but most of all I cry at the sad songs…

“I’ll be home for Christmas….”

“I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you….”

“Christmas Shoes…..”

and most of all…..”Someone is Missing at Christmas” by Anne Cochran.

 

 

I have endured many losses….but….I miss my Mom the most.  She’s been gone for SIX years and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.  Not a day that I wish I had her to call when something stupid happens, or something bad, or something GOOD…..

I miss her.

I cringe when I hear how people fight with their parents.  How the children these days don’t have the relationship that I had with my Mom.  How the children these days don’t even WANT a relationship with their parents.  Why is that? 

My Mom was my best friend.  Not in the way that she was ONLY my friend either.  She was also my Mother.  She grounded me, she yelled when she needed to, she sent me to my room if necessary….but she loved me, and I KNEW this.  We talked every EVERY day.  Her passing was the absolute worst thing I’ve ever been through.  To this day I can go to the cemetary and place flowers on the gravesites of all my lost loved ones…but when it comes to my Mom….I can’t walk away without crying. 

She was a one-of-a-kind.  Beautiful….inside and out.

 

Mom

 

Mr. Sake’s parents are also gone….I never got the opportunity to meet them.  It’s sad….Our children have a Papa who is present, yet busy with his own life.  I often wish he was more involved with them.  My oldest has her Grandparents (my late spouse’s parents) but they live in Florida and visit once or twice a year.

So, as I go through the holiday season….wishing I still had my Mom….I am trying and TRYING to see the positive in what I have in my life now.  I’m not talking “possessions”…nope, not at all….

Because….

 

things 

 

I have people.

brianna11 The Teen

 

IMG00130-20101128-1005The Little Man

 

lilli  Lil Lady

 

For Pete’s Sake….I have THIS GUY:

 

oct2008 048

This is who I fell in love with, and despite his ability to make me insane on any given day little quirks….I still love him.  Despite the fact that he often forgets to take out the trash until I freak when I can’t put not one more piece of crap in the can is a little forgetful….I STILL love him.  Even though he snores like a muther trucker he has sinus issues….I love him….I just push his ass on over at least 15 times a night gently nudge him to roll over a few times here and there.  I love him.  As crazy as that makes me…it’s true. 

 

I have this one….

Kathee My Big Sis

 

And I have this one…

 

PRZ-002276No…I don’t have Tina Turner…but my BFF is named Tina….it just so happens that SHE does not like her picture taken, let alone POSTED!

 

And of course……

 

2009 180Blaine – Caribou Coffee Entrepreneur

(My personal White Chocolate Mocha No-Whip Maker)

 

You see?  I. Have. People.

I have them HERE….on this earth….

….and I have them HERE…..

 

heaven

 

….and I carry each and every one of them HERE….

 

heart1

 

….In my Heart.

I can do this.

I can get through the holidays with my people. 

It’s ok to feel the sadness for those that are not here but I need to not shut down and forget about the one’s that ARE here.

I am blessed.

I have to remember that.

 

A day late, but I’m linking up with Shell over at Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out….I feel it’s appropriate, don’t you?

pouryourheartout

7 comments:

Tina said...

BFF - I love you!!! Thanks for not posting my pic. :) I just about had a heart attack when you texted me.

NikkiDarlin' said...

i know the feeling. I lost my grandafather, aunt, and uncle all in the pass two years. Hope your Holidays are good.

JC Little said...

I was going to write something funny and silly and then I started reading about your mom...and my heart started to break. I'm looking at the picture you posted of your mom and I think she's so beautiful. I can see how you look like her, and your children too. Right now my mom is helping me a lot, and I don't know what I would do without her...

Anyways, I'm really glad I follow your blog, because it gave me a chance to reflect on all this. And to remind me that I too am blessed.

Thank-you for this.

Kat said...

You truly ARE blessed, Ter. I miss her, too. I miss life the way it was. I miss having her to call. I miss a lot of things about the past. BUT...the present is so very present, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. And besides, not EVERYONE can claim Blaine!! I need to get me some coffee!! Tell him I said Hi! LOL You are loved, lady.

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

I'm not feeling it this year either, but for different reasons... {{{HUGS}}} My mom and I make each other a little crazy,and I complain about her a lot on my blog, but we both know we love each other and at the end of the day, I'd rather have her here to drive my crazy than not have her at all.

Helena said...

I feel you. My mom died 6 years ago too, and Christmas was her time of year, you know?

Shell said...

You are definitely blessed.

I get cranky and caught up in the rush and forget.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, but jealous of the relationship that you had with her.