Words to Ban

Have you ever wanted to be in a position to ban a few words that you are so extremely tired of hearing?  You know the ones.  The ones that make you roll your eyes, and make you want to bitch slap the person who says them, and make your innards do a flip??  Yes, THOSE words.  Maybe it’s just ONE word….maybe it’s an entire sentence…whatEVahhhh!!  They should be banned!!

I’ve given it alot of thought, and I’ve come up with my own list.  I think if I jot them down and tape them to my forehead post them on the fridge, someone might get a handle on what makes the Mom have a potty mouth of her own.

#1. Huh?

Yes, this one is a killer.  You see, it’s not just that the person that uses this words is really asking “what?” as you might think.  No…that is NOT the case.  Usually, this is how it goes:

Me:  Did you tell the teen that to clean up the puppy pee on the carpet she only needed to dab it with a paper towel?

The person:  Huh?

Me:  DID YOU TEL….

The person:  (interrupting me which shows me he HEARD what I said) I didn’t tell her that.

Me:  Well she said you did…

The person:  Huh?

Me:  She sai…..

The person:  Why would I tell her that?  Of course you need to spray the rug cleaner on the pee spot first….  (once again interrupting me which shows that he HEARD ME).

Me:  You keep saying “huh?” as if you don’t hear me….but then you answer me before I repeat myself….

The person:  Huh?

Me:  Never mind.

#2.  Why?

Okay, okayyyy, call me a bad mom, but DAMN I am tired of answering the WHY questions!!  Seriously, if it was “why questions” as in “why do I have to eat dinner now?”  or “why can’t I have a sleep over?” , I would totally get it.  But these questions are coming from the Lil Lady.  For example, she asked if she could help wash the dishes.  Yes, she is almost 4, and she loves to do this, but I had just finished with them.  I told her exactly THAT to which she responds with “why?” 

Ummmm….because if I didn’t, then I’m pretty sure there would be no one here offering to help, that’s why!

Or how about this one. 

Me:  Lil, you really better not pee in those pants.  And seeriously, if you poop in them I will have to beat you…

Lil Lady:  Why?

Me:  Because, seriously, I don’t want to be cleaning poop out of those little panties….

Lil Lady:  Why?

Me:  Dear Lord, Lilli!!  It’s disgusting!!

Lil Lady: Why?

Me:  (calling my sister)  Do you have anymore Xanax??

 

You see?  Do you see why I’m losing my fucking mind??

 

Ok, another word or group of words that I want banned??  Well, there are several ways this is said….but each and EVERY WAY makes my skin crawl!

#3.  The puppy peed!!!  ( Hollered from the toddler’s bedroom)

#4.  OMG, I’m exhausted.

Really??  And I’m not??  Seriously….

#5.  When will you be home?     Are you coming home soon?  ETA, please?        Almost home?    Done Yet?? 

You see, I do home care, so my time is flexible.  The problem is, everyone knows THIS!!  They don’t think I work a REAL job with REAL set hours.  They know I can end at any time each day as long as I get the people seen during the week.  And, if I’m not at work when this question pops up in a text, that means I am usually at the store, and certainly not anywhere having fun.  If I could be home sooner from the fucking grocery store, I would be!!  Trust me!!  Giant Eagle cannot be compared to the local bar!!

#6.  When are you coming?

I have a patient that calls me every day until I break down and return his call to find out when I’m going to be there.  I normally don’t answer his call am busy at the time so I let it go to voice mail.  By Thursay I have at least 5 voicemails that he has left me asking when I’m coming by.  I usually go on Fridays.  I finally return his call on Thursday saying I will be there on Friday.  I tell him I will call him when I’m on my way but it’s usually before 11am.  He calls me Friday morning….leaves a message because I refuse to answer I am too busy to answer, and asks what time I will be there.  I call him back and ask if he has somewhere to be to which he answeres , “Nope”.  Then why the fuck do I have to tell you exactly when I’m coming?????

Holy Assjackets!!  Seriously!  If I answered everyone of his calls, I would be on the phone more than I would be tending to my patients that really DO need help!!

So, there you have it.  My list of words that should be banned.  In fact, from this moment on, they ARE banned. 

Go ahead….make my day!!

 

 

And now that we have a new puppy, I can imagine what SHE has to say.  It’s not the whining or howling at 3 am that is gonna get to me.  Oh no, it’s THIS: