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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Psychotic Me

Ok, I need to thank Wikipedia for it’s true and accurate diagnosis of what I thought was “normal” which has turned out to be a “psychosis” of some sort.

Seriously…listen here…..according to Wikipedia…..

“People experiencing psychosis my report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and thought disorder.  Depending on it’s severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction, and impairment in carrying out the daily life activities.”

Ok…let’s not wonder why I was doing a search for “psychosis” in the first place, let’s just assume I stumbled upon it quite innocently.  K?  K.  thnakyouverymuchinadvance.

First of all, hallucinations?   Oh yes….definitely.  I have hallucinated.  I swear last week as I was sweating my ass off while our air conditioner was on the fritz, that I must have lost several inches off  my waist, hips and thighs……after all,  I must have been shedding the pounds if I was perspiring more than if I was busting my ass during a work out at the local gym, right?

Wrong.  This was a definite hallucination as I stared at my “glistening” self in the mirror.  I think this was similar to the mirage that people report seeing after being on the desert for so long….yep, no poundage lost….despite my dehydrated state.

Personality changes?  I can’t really say I have this.  No…I’m a bitch and always will be.  Ask thy spouse.  He will agree whole heartedly!

Bizarre behavior??  Difficulty with social interaction??  Ok…depends on what YOU consider bizarre.  If deciding to add a new puppy to home with a teen, 2 toddlers, and a spouse that is already at his limit is considered bizarre…well, then yes, I confess. 

                                                 (google image)

Difficulty with social interraction??  Oh come on now, me saying, “Don’t you know by now, it’s “pull UP” not “around”! to the new Caribou Coffee worker is socially unacceptable, then that’s too fucking bad!!  Seriously!!  She should know by now!!  It’s been weeks!!  Look out your fucking drive through window you dimwit!!

caribou3

And just because when the cashier at Walgreens asked if I would also like to purchase 2 candy bars (two for a buck), I said, “Not until your workers know how to stack the diet coke so I don’t have to break another fucking nail trying to get a case off the shelf”……….does this really mean I cannot interact socially??

So, on top of all of this new information from Wikipedia, I realize that my “possible” addiction is really a quite SERIOUS addiction.  Yes, I am addicted to Claritin D, and I can’t really say I’m proud of it.  What I AM proud of is that I have admitted said addiction to my doctor who in return said, “Very eeenteressstinggg”.  Yes, isn’t thought?  WTF, people??  I’ve admitted an addiction!!  And this is what he says?

I’m not really kidding here….the other evening I CHOSE to not take a Claritin D even though I knew how horrible it would be the next morning.  Yep, I was right.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  The first place I stopped on the way to work was CVS drugstore to buy Claritin.  Oh yesss, I did.  BUT!!  Get this….I did not buy it!!  I wandered around enough to where 3 employees asked if they could help me and I kept saying “no, I’m good”…..then, “no thank you”…then….”can you leave me the fuck alone???”  Then I grabbed a can of almonds just so they didn’t think I was there for no reason, paid for my lovely purchase and left their fucking store without my precious Claritin D.

I was proud.  I was beaming.  I was swerving on the road nearly missing mailboxes and pedestrians because I needed my pseudophedrine fix the sun was a little too bright…..but I made it.  I made it until 4 pm and then as soon as I got in the door I took a Claritin D.  I was good by 6 pm, but damn!!  Before that???  Yep, I was not only going to dismember the spouse, tie the teen up by her glorious ponytail, duct tape the toddlers to the wall and put a fucking diaper on the not-housebroken puppy…..but I was going to check into the nearest psych ward……

That being said, psychosis…..addiction….whateverthefuck you want to call it….it’s serious business and doctors should not take it so lightly when their patients are admitting these things. 

Don’t you agree??

Ok…now I need to go instruct the Caribou worker once AGAIN that it’s “PULL UP” not “AROUND”….geesh!!  Get a grip on your surroundings you nucking futcase!! 

5 comments:

She woke up FAT said...

Oh dear lord, I think I just laughed myself silly. Love this post

Lourie said...

I wonder what psychosis I have.

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha! So funny. Love the photos you used too.

Chelle said...

Okay this post?

Was effing hilarious! I can totally relate with you on this post on so many levels.

xo

Sandra said...

You have an addiction to Claritin...wow...what kinds of side effects? Anything good? Willing to share the experience to those of us who enjoy a good addiction but can't afford the good stuff? I'm kidding!...sort of...