Ten Years Ago

Do you ever look back and think of how far you’ve come in a decade??  I normally do not.  I try to look forward.

Always, always…..ALWAYS look FORWARD.

But today…

…today is special to me.

Ten years ago today I was working somewhere else.  I was not married to the man I am married to today.  I had a Dad AND a Mom who were both still living.  I had a different group of friends.  Some of them I still have….others??  Yeah….not so much.

But most importantly, I was ready to become a Mom for the second time.

I remember it being a pretty uneventful pregnancy.  Sure, there were things that made me go “hmmmmm”….but isn’t there always something like that when you’re pregnant?  Is THIS normal?  Is THAT normal?  Should I be having THIS pain….or THAT pain?? 

All of my prenatal visits went without alarm.  My baby was growing…my baby’s heartbeat was good….my baby was moving as he should be inside there.

I was not worried.  Why would I be?  I had my first born, my daughter, who is now 13 1/2 going on 24.  She was always a good baby.  She was 3…..almost 4 at the time.  We were preparing her to be a “big sister”!!  Yeah for you, baby girl!!  You are going to be a big sister!  You will get to teach your baby brother all that you know!  Aren’t you thrilled??  What a big job that is going to be.  And only YOU can do it…because YOU are going to be the BEST big sister I know! 

 

 

My daughter was ecstatic that she was going to be the one her little brother was going to look up to.  She was going to teach him his colors and his numbers and maybe even sing to him.  She was THREE, ya know….and she could do it all.  She loved him even before he was “real”.

But….

…there was a problem.

On the morning of April 17th, 2001, I woke up.  I got ready for work as usual.  I got my daughter off to the sitter’s as usual.  Sent the spouse off to work as usual.  But wait…what was that weird feeling I was having in my upper back?  That was an odd one, yes it was.  Thought maybe some indigestion….

…took some Tums and off to work I went.  I started seeing my patients yet in the back of my mind was that uncomfortable feeling in my upper back that I just couldn’t seem to forget about.  Was my little baby’s foot stuck up under my rib??  Was he pushing on my lung?  Is that even possible?

A little bit after 10am I called my obstetrician.  My regular one was not in so I spoke with one of the other doctors  in the office.  He didn’t seem concerned although he suggested I come in for him to check things out.  He asked if I felt the baby move lately…..

No.  No I don’t recall feeling any movement, but I normally didn’t feel much until I was ready to sleep…THAT is when he became active.  So, I was not going to get all worked up now.

I finished the patient visit I was on and drove over the doctor’s office.  I sat in the exam room for just a short while which seemed like ages because by this point I was worried at the no movement comment.  Why isn’t my baby moving?  I’m sitting….I’m trying to be calm….come on little guy….move it!

The doc came in.  He felt around my large abdomen.  Did I mention I was 37 weeks along?  Yep.  Soon…very soon I would be the Mom of two.

The doc then got out the doppler.  He listened.  Well…we BOTH listened. 

And listened.

And listened.

Nothing.

Silence.

Total…deafening….heart-breaking SILENCE.

The doc looked at me.

I looked at him.

A little bit of me died inside as I KNEW, even though he was sending me for an immediate ultrasound, I KNEW what was happening.

I remember calling my work place.  They asked if I was ok.  I said no.  Just….No. 

I remember calling my husband at the time.  I couldn’t speak.  The nurse spoke for me and the next thing I knew he was there and we were on our way to the hospital for the ultrasound.

I do not remember getting to the hospital, or walking into the ultrasound room.  I only remember the silence when they put the monitor on my belly. 

The fucking, sickening, disgusting SILENCE of no heartbeat.

Later that evening I had a C-section and delivered a beautiful 3 pound 1 ounce baby boy, Nathaniel Joseph Guzik.  He was not breathing, he had no heartbeat…but he was beautiful.

Today he would be 10. 

I hope and pray he is up there in his heaven….with his Daddy…I hope they are maybe fishing, or riding bikes, or just sitting and eating cake.

And to you, Nathan, I send this song:

 

 

And to my three children on this earth…The Teen, Lil Lady, and Little Man….

 

 

Ten Years Ago….seems like a lifetime, yet….I can feel it as if it was yesterday.

It’s okay to look back once in a while.  It’s okay.  Because wherever we have been…is why we are where we are today.

Hug your children, your family, your friends….

…you never know what tomorrow may bring.

 

Happy Birthday, Nathan!!  I love you!!

Love,

Mommy