Saturday, March 5, 2011

Certifiably Insane

Unfortunately, after writing such a sweet, heart-felt post about squeezing the fucking oranges, I have to follow it up with a post about losing my freakin’ mind.  How sad is THAT??

You see….it’s been raining….and raining A LOT…




I honestly prefer the snow…


snow white

Oh Jayzus Criminey!!   I said SNOW, not G-d Damn SNOW WHITE!!!




There…much better, and much prettier than the nasty RAIN!

Regardless…snow brings snowmen, and rain brings fucking MUD!!  And MUD is in my yard where the damn dog goes out to take a shit.  And when the dog goes out to take a shit, her ADD takes over and she decides to dig a damn hole to China.

There is a big difference between digging in the snow and digging in the mud….one is CLEAN and one is DIRTY.  Bottom line.

Clean digging:

clean digging

Dirty digging:

dirty digging

You see the difference??  Neither one of these dogs is mine…I did not get a pic of mine because I was too busy beating the living shit out of her because she was put in the shower by the teen faster than I can say WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?????

The doggie door I so much adore because I don’t have to let the dog out OR let the dog in??  Yeah, that door is gonna be nailed shut after today.  You see…the dog went out….I didn’t even know, or if I DID know subconsciously, I didn’t really care.


….and this is a BIG BUT (….or a FAT ASS) …….

BUT…When she came back in she FLEW in the door and tracked mud from the doorway through the kitchen and then through the living room (need I mention this room would be carpeted??)…then as I chased her muddy ass she ran AROUND the reclining chair….and back through the kitchen.  I trapped her by locking the gates on either side of the kitchen.

Unfortunately, poor thing was petrified of what I was going to do to her, so she tried like hell to climb her fatness over the gate and in the process she got mud alllll over the gate and alllll over the fucking wall.  Not to mention my slippers…which, for your information, one is now M.I.A.






Oh-kayyyyy….so the pics are NOT clear, but I was way too ticked off to even hold my Blackberry still enough to take a picture!  Seriously!     

So, basically, I turned into a demon….

I should apologize….I know I scared the little ones who  were just sitting there with their mouths hanging open….in fact, I tried to pick up Little Man who then reacted like this….




And if my dog were a Husky…she would have resembled this…




Really, people…it was bad.  Bad…Bad….BAD!

So, I bowed my head in shame…..apologized to the children and the dumb ass dog…..washed down a couple of Xanax with Vodka, and brought out the big guns….




Oh, how I wish.

Regardless, I got the job done and am now a proud member of the National Rug Cleaning Society.


rug cleaner



Yeah, right….

Most likely CERTIFIABLE!!!  


Brittney said...

oh my i think i would have acted like that too. My dog has me so pissed off half the time i question why I keep him...

Rebecca said...

I would have killed Dog for sure...I'm pretty sure she already thinks her new name is Shutthefuckup...why didn't I realize I wasn't a dog person before we got a dog???????

Anonymous said...

We regularly have four dogs in the house (this week it is five) and it is raining, and it is muddy, and all the holes they've dug in the back yard are full of water, and our entire house is carpeted (not sure whose bright idea that was--we rent, so it wasn't ours). We were cleaning our carpets so often, we finally bought our own carpet cleaner. Finally, my husband set up a big dog cage in front of the door they use. There is an old blanket in it. They come into the dog cage and have to sit there until they are dry, then we let them out the other side into the house. It hasn't stopped the wet dog smell, but it has kept the mud off the carpets.

gayle said...

I would have been right there with you Flipping Out! You should have seen me when our cat peed on our carpet!

Kat said...

LMAO Gayle! I think JKP's idea is marvelous! But Ter, your kitchen couldn't handle something like that. I don't know what to tell you. You needed a pocket pooch...that might have been easier...

Kellyansapansa said...

Oh dear, this is exactly why my husband won't let me have a dog door installed. I think maybe he has a point ...

Real Dad said...

How is having a dirty dog different then having dirty kids? hahaha

Maybe there is no difference only in my house.....