Raising Animals

For those of you that have read my blog before, you know that I am a working mom with 3 kids, ages 3, 4, and 14, and a spouse that is still in training.  I’ve posted before about my children’s antics, and how they never cease to amaze me.  From my chaotic mornings to the day I thought I lost Little Man to me having my Biggest Mommy Tantrum Ev-ahhh  ….. I’ve had my share of reasons as to why I feel this “parenting” business is not about raising children, but it’s about RAISING ANIMALS.

Yesterday this was confirmed.

Thank you, Little Man.

You see….before Little Man, I only knew the workings of little girls.  Little girls are easy.  Little girls don’t climb.  Little girls don’t jump off the highest surface they can get up onto.  Little girls are decent.

Little girls would never think to pee outside…..

 

Not that my girls are angels or anything of the sort.  They can fight like cats.  And when I say CATS, I don’t mean cute little furry kittens, oh hell to the no!  I mean CATS!  The big furry ones with pointy teeth and sharp claws.  Animals…..

 

But yesterday…..OMFG…..this is a true story. 

The spouse was in the bathroom upstairs.  I ran downstairs to flip a load of clothes.  I faintly hear the spouse tell Little Man, “Hang on…I’m coming out.”  Now, Little Man is a bit over 3 years old and ever since our talk about the “poop police coming”, and also since I made him walk around without any pants or Pull-Ups until he took a shit on the potty, he has been pooping in the potty.  Like clockwork.  God forbid we are anywhere but near a potty at 5pm. 

So, when the spouse didn’t open the bathroom door right away when Manny jiggled the knob saying he had to poop, Little Man took matters into his own hands.

I came upstairs to the spouse asking where Manny was.  I said I didn’t know, I had been in the laundry room.  He relayed that Manny said he had to poop and maybe he went downstairs to use that bathroom.  I thought, oh shoot….and I turned off all the lights not knowing he was down there!

So I go downstairs.

No Manny.

No Manny in any of the rooms upstairs either.  We ask Little Lady where he went.  Little Lady, being 4 going on 24, says he went outside. 

WTF??  Alone??

Again??

We go outside to find Little Man standing where the dog usually does her business, his pants around his ankles, just looking at us.

And we look at this….

 

 

The interrogation from the Dad begins…..

“Manny.  Is this YOUR POOP???”

 

Well….it certainly looked like his poop.  And he WAS standing there with his pants around his ankles.  And he WAS a wee bit embarrassed to look us in the eye…..

 

 

And here I was, worried about the Little Man spewing F-Bombs in public rendering me totally humiliated.  I swear, if he ever feels the need to take a crap outside in public, I will personally check myself in at the nearest psychiatric facility.

What have YOUR little animals done to make you re-think this parenting business? 

Oh, and if you want to know more about my Little Man-imal….you can read it here.  Just don’t say I haven’t warned you.

 

Happy Thursday!!

All By My Self

There is some part of the English language that I wish I could just do away with.  Oh, for Pete’s sake, I’m not talking about my potty mouth, I could NEVER do away with THAT!  I’m talking about things that I have to keep repeating….Day. After. Day. After. Day.

Like….

Do you have to pee??

Are you stinky?

 

“Who??  Me??  Not stinky….”

 

And also I’d like to stop having to say….

NO!!

STOP!!

Keep your hands to yourself!

Who used my brush??  Where is it??

We do NOT eat in the living room!

Where’s Manny?  (He’s forever disappearing)

 

“Here I am!”

 

 

There are also some things that I wish my children would stop saying…

Look at me!

Watch this!

Mom!  Mom!  Mom!!

He touched me!!

I can’t see the TV!!

He’s not sharing!!

Where’s Manny?

 

“Just going to work, Mom.”

 

Some things that I hope to NEVER stop hearing…

I love you, Mom!

I did it!  Alllll byyyy My. Self!

 

At least her shoes match….this time.

 

And I would die if they stopped saying….

You’re the best!

Will you sit with me, Mom?

I found him!!

 

Totally exhausted.

 

 

 Some things other people say that make me cringe just a wee bit…

Can I help?  (The help of a three year old does not always end well)

He was here a minute ago…..

I thought you were watching him.  (Oh dear Spouse…..what am I going to do with you???)

 

I did it!  Allll byyyy myyyy self! 

 

Now….I wonder WHO on earth taught my Little Man that it’s ok to take a piss off the back of the deck??

 

Like father.  Like Son.

 

Happy Thursday!!

 

A Sign

Signs….seriously, they are everywhere.  Sometimes I understand them….sometimes I just stop and ponder….

 

 

Seriously…is this not redundant?? 

The kind of “sign” I’m talking about is a “sign” we give with our hands.  Like a wave “hello”, a thumbs up when something is done right, a “talk to the hand” kinda sign when a co-worker is a bitch-bitching away…..

Sometimes we see people and they give us a sign and we smile…

 

I love you.

 

Sometimes we get a sign and we would like to pummel the other person with a sledgehammer….

 

Loser.

 

A few weeks ago we had some people over and my sister and I were having a conversation with her daughter-in-law.  It was a little noisy with other people talking, it was late in the evening, and we may or may not have had a bit too much wine, but we laughed hysterically at our wit when we recognized a “gesture” as a “sign in the making”!  You see, her daughter-in-law was describing a website window with 2 screens, one on top of the other…..

Well, this is what I pictured anyways with they way her hands were demonstrating the screen like so….

 

“There’s one window on top of the other…..”

 

But then….you see, my sister got all lost in the conversation, again, maybe having something to do with the wine consumption, and she said, “What the hell was that with your hands??”  ….and she made the gesture.

It was explained once again, and then my sister stated, “Oh, I thought that was some kind of sign you were making at me….”

So then….we looked at each other, and because we think so much alike, we both made the sign at each other and said, “Grrrrr, fuck you!”

(Cuz that’s how we roll)

I know, I know….you may not be getting this whole “sign” thing here, and if not, it’s okay because my spouse was not really laughing too much either.   I figured he just didn’t get it.  (Sometimes that happens….)  Or maybe the alcohol had gotten to him too.  Regardless, we are so gonna use this sign and start a trend.  In fact….my spouse, who I thought was clueless when we had this conversation, was the first person to use the sign other than my sister and I.

My teen’s facebook got hacked.  After the spouse posted something about all hackers getting crucified or something by the Sicilian side of my daughter’s family, he looked at me and said THIS:

 

“Hackers beware!”

 

So, yeah….and then some!!

He WAS paying attention to the conversation.

Just when you think you’ve got ‘em figured out.

 

Happy Monday!!