Missing Manny

Having a 2 1/2 year old, a 4 year old and a Teen can be trying.  It was easy when there was just the one…..but now…hell, I think I lose a bit of sanity every day. 

I read a blog post the other day….by Rebecca over at Unexplained X 2.  OMG…I was rollingonthefloorlaughingmyassoff kind of giggling to myself.   No kidding.  Why?  Because of how she describes what she does with her little ones just to keep them safe….that is exactly what I do, if not worse.

Are all Mom’s like this?  I do know that a few short weeks ago when I couldn’t find my Little Man for about THREE HOURS I was definitely on my way to a full-blown cardiac arrest!  Oh, ohh-kay…it was more like three MINUTES but still!!  I thought I was headed to meet my maker!

You see, this is how it all went down…..

I went in the bathroom to smoke and play on my iPod take care of business.  I may have been in there a little longer than I should have been, but in my defense, the spouse was in the dining room playing Bejeweled Blitz right on task in case anyone decided to swing from the chandelier.  Yes,  he was definitely watching the little ones with one eye on the computer.

So…I took my time because all was quiet.

WAIT!!  WTF??  There was my clue right there….

 

 

All. Was. Quiet.  Red flag!  Red flag!!  I should have known something was not right.

But I didn’t notice a thing as I came out of the bathroom.

All looked to be completely in order.  The Teen was on the recliner watching TV because this is what she does best.  I walked through the dining room, pass up the spouse who was now going to take his turn surfing the net from his Blackberry in the bathroom.

I walk through the kitchen….nothing amiss there.  I go back to the living room and notice Lil Lady playing her game on the couch. 

Ahhhh…peaceful moment….So…I sit down for like not even 2 seconds.  In fact, I’m not sure my fat ass touched the cushion before I popped up and said, “Where’s Manny??”  Already in a panic because I had been out of the bathroom for a few minutes without hearing him, I ran into his bedroom.  Nope…no Manny there.

I went into my bedroom because he’s been known to climb into my bed and nap on rare occasion (like when he’s dehydrated from the damn flu).  Nope…not there either.

Pulse rate is rising.  Head is starting to pound.  And of course, as Rebecca would say, I was sweating profusely!! 

Where the hell did he go?

I checked the basement.  No Manny laying at the bottom of the stairs with a twisted femur. 

I ran outside on the back porch.  He was not on the porch.  He was not playing in the sand box.  He was not even swinging the hose around like lasso.  Nope.  But then………I notice the garage doors are both wide open which means if he went in the side door of the garage, he could get out front to the street!  Oh my fucking gawd I was gonna die…..

 

 

I took a quick look out front.  I’m screaming his name over and over.  Nothing.  He wasn’t out front.  And if he was, his 2 1/2-year-old legs are a hell of a lot faster than my 43-year-old legs!

I ran back in the house to inform the spouse that on HIS WATCH his Little Man had gone missing.  Yes, I said MISSING!!  He was surely abducted, or he went into the back yard towards the creek.  I was certain of it.  We were gonna be on the 10 o’clock news.  I knew this would happen.  We should have sold this house as soon as we realized we were having a boy because boys don’t listen!!  They run off!  They do stupid things like climbing trees and jumping off garage roofs and playing in CREEKS!!

The spouse ran outside to the back yard.  (As soon as he wiped the dumb look off his face and gathered his wits about him)

Our back yard is not little…and there is a creek wayyyyy in the back….a creek that scares the living crap out of me.  It’s like at least 30 feet deep….No, seriously…it’s not deep except for in a few select spots…but it’s been a nightmare in my past that I don’t really talk about….So, yes, the creek is creepy.

I went back in the house to die to look again…maybe he was in my room but I didn’t realize it because I have so many blankets….ugh….by this time I feel like I have lost several years off my life and when I find him I’m pretty sure I’ll smother him to death with kisses beat his ass.

As I’m in my room mumbling about how-stupid-I-was-to-be-in-the-bathroom-so-long-and-how-brainless-the-spouse-was-for-not-realizing-Little-Man-had-been-kidnapped-right-from-under-his-nose-and-how-does-one-lose-their-kid-in-their-OWN-house–when-there-are-2-adults-and-a-teenager-to-keep-an-eye–on-him, I hear a little voice come across the monitor.  Yes, we still use the monitor because one never knows what will happen when we are sleeping.  (Or when we are just using the damn bathroom!!)  He says, “I right here, Mommy!”

WHAT THE FUCK??  If I hear him over the monitor that means he’s not in MY room, and he’s not outside in the creek, and he’s not laying smooshed in the street…and…..he’s…..OMG!!!  He’s in HIS room!!  The first fucking place I had looked!!

Yes…he was “just hiding” in Lil Lady’s bed.  Under ALL her stuffed animals and pillows.

 

 

He was so damn cute when he popped his head out of there that I couldn’t beat him.  He was grinning from ear to ear which shows his dimples….Soooo not funny, Little Man.  I betcha can’t tell I’ve gotten a little gray-er up top in the past 3 minutes, now can ya??  Would you like to count my heart rate you little shit??  Huh?  Would ya?? 

So, you see…life is never dull around here.  And yes, Rebecca, I think all Mom’s have the moments that make us sweat….and that, my dear friends, is why God…or someone else (Mr. Secret?)…invented antiperspirant/deodorant!  Cuz we never ever EVAhhh wanna let them see us sweat! 

 

Your turn!  What makes YOU sweat??

Am I a Scary Mommy?

Well...this should be an easy one to answer, right? I should definitely say NO, I am not scary!! But Jill over at Scary Mommy is searching for a Mommy that is scary....Wait...I have to stop right here and tell you what's really SCARY, and please, don't laugh...I am considered an educated person....lmao...ok, are you ready?? Ok...I thought SCARY was spelled SCAREY!! Yep...I did....*blushing*.....even looked it up so that my post would not have any errors.....

Anyhoozle....Initially I thought, hell no! I am not a scary Mommy but then thought back over the years with my children...and ohhhh, I bet there are times that they would have considered me to be pretty scary. In fact, my two toddlers are still being taught exactly HOW scary I can be. For instance, the other day when the Little Man (he's 19 months) was in the bathroom (somehow the door was left open leaving him full access) and I walked in on him just about to put his hand in the toilet....what would you do?? That's right, I screamed!! And when I say screamed, I mean I let out a howl that any wearwolf would be proud of. I let it rip and roll and ya know what? I scared the living crap out of that little Man! And what's worse is that I was proud, yes I was PROUD that my howling stopped him dead in his tracks and he did not stick his hand in the toilet bowl. Instead, he very nonchalantly picked up the roll of toilet paper (no, it wasn't on the holder, that would be too much work) and tossed it in....Oh YES-HE-DID....

Then I thought back to the time when my oldest daughter was having a difficult time going to sleep at night. Not that things have changed, but I've become a little less disturbed by it. This one particular time was when she had a loft bed. You know, a bed on stilts? Yeah, so I had to keep ushering her back in there over and over and over and over...you get the picture. Then instead of getting out of bed (because I am so scary she knew I meant business) she decided to keep calling for me to come to her. And I did. Over and over and over and over.....you seeing how this is going? I was at my wits end....she called me in for the last time. The bed was high, I am short. She was too far for me to reach but oh did I want to reach her. So, what did I do? In my sweetest voice I could muster with entirely too much mommy adrenaline coursing through my veins, I told her to come closer. (evil witch laugh...) She moved a little closer....(evil evil evil Mommy). I still could not reach her. Yes, I am that short. I said, "oh honey...just a little closer...." and she came just close enough and WHACK!! I got her!! And yes, I was once again proud of my Mommy skills. Trust me...she was shocked....but that was the end of it for the night. And if you are thinking I'm one of those mommies that whacks her children often...think again...otherwise, would she have come any closer no matter how much I asked??

There have been times that I have felt totally out of control. I have to admit that being a mom has made me aware of my inner most demon. (Oh stop, we all have one) Sometimes I have so much hostility over the strangest things that my children do, yet when it's serious I seem to have it under wraps for the most part. I don't beat my children, oh no, I tend to take it out on inanimate objects. Like the wall in the basement that sort of has a hole in it? Yeah....don't tell my husband...shhhhhhh. But it's hard being a mommy, isn't it? I went from being the mom of one to having 2 more after 10 years, and I tell you, I think that we are given a certain amount of patience when we are born, and when you use it up, that's it...it's gone, and you become one of THOSE MOMMIES.....the SCARY ONES!

I do know my limits though. And if I forget them, I always have my 3 year old to remind me. Like the time she comes walking into the kitchen and says, "Don't be mad, My Mommy, I didn't do nothing." THIS is always a bad thing. Always always always!! And yes, somehow I have gone from being "Ma-Ma" to "Mommy" to "Mom" to "My Mommy".....I think she's being a little possessive if you ask me. Anyways, I go to the other room where she "didn't do anything" and she had taken the Pinkxav (you know, the butt cream that is pink that is NOT water-soluble that does NOT wash off) and covered my dining room chair with it. Oh yes....she definitely DID do SOMETHING! Of course, I wouldn't want to traumatize the sweet little thing, so I took it out on the older child. Yeah, NOT a proud moment for me, but damn!! Can't she help watch the little ones sometimes?? Does she always have to be doing homework or doing something crafty? Does she have to be such a KID? She's 12 for Pete's Sake!

So, in retrospect, I am apparantly a very Scary Mommy. I love my children more than life and I would do anything for them. That includes wiping their tears when they aren't invited to a special friend's party, kissing away the boo-boo's on their baby dolls knees, cutting the crust off their bread, making noodles everyday because that's all they will eat, reading Cinderella 20 times in one night, curling up on the couch with the Little Man when he doesn't want to be in his crib, letting my 3 year old cover my arms (nearly free of any hair now) with stickers, and sitting on the floor for hours doing the same puzzle over and over....it includes the good and the bad, and with the bad sometimes you get the SCARY....not the SCAR-E-Y....but in the end, when the Little Man puts his head on my shoulder to fall asleep, and the 3 year old goes into her OWN bed on her OWN, and the 12 year old says "Mom, I love you...you're the best"...it's worth all the scarey moments in the world! There's nothing better and nothing SCARIER than being MOM!!