Delayed Grief?

So, my late husband’s mother and brother have been in town for the past few weeks….

Yes, it is very difficult……

When my late husband was killed, I think I was in shock.  These things only happen in the movies….in really really BAD movies….not in MY life.

But it DID happen….and I WAS in shock.  I went about each day just doing what I had to do to get by.  I didn’t want to be around anymore but chose to muddle my way through for my daughter’s sake. 

 

It didn’t take long for me to learn who was truly a friend of “ours” and who was not.  It didn’t take long to know that my family would be there for me no matter what, and his family would be there to remind me of THEIR loss…and how awful it was for THEM…disregarding that it was *I* that lost the person that I had daily contact with….that I had planned a future with….that I had a child with…..

Then it was just two of us….

 

Of course I understand that his family suffered a loss too, but the one’s that made it into THEIR loss were the one’s that we would see on holidays….and not even talk with in between.  His mother and brother are the only ones that I can honestly say were there for me….despite their horrific loss too.  And to this day, they are the ones that I drop everything for when they come into town. 

And…..they are also the ones that it hurts so much to see leave….

And then….ohhhh, and THEN….I have the guilt on top of that hurt.  The guilt that I have moved on, and am I being unfaithful to my current spouse if I have these heart-breaking feelings of loss over my spouse just because his family is visiting? 

Orrrrr…have I been unfaithful to my late spouse all along since finding Pete and making a new life with 2 more beautiful children??

Which is it? 

This is where I get confused.  When I met Pete I felt I had to hide it from people.  I didn’t want to hear that it was “too soon”, or that I was being “disrespectful” for moving on before a specific period of mourning….

In hindsight….I wish someone would have said something…..although they might have, and I was too blinded by my grief to have heard them.  I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered what anyone said….I was moving on.  I was keeping busy.  I was trying to make a new life because the one I was planning was stripped away instantly on May 31, 2005. 

I think that is something that I have a habit of doing….keeping busy, physically and mentally, and the horrible thoughts, the hurtful feelings, the negativity, the GRIEF can’t catch me.

And NOW….my life is still busy.  It’s even more busy than it was before.  But as soon as I feel things start to calm a bit, I add something else that will prevent me from thinking too deeply or feeling too deeply…hence the new puppy.

The new puppy came just in time….as the late spouse’s mother and brother came for their visit.  The puppy has been a distraction, and the kids have not let my mother-in-law and I have even 2 minutes to really speak. 

Am I ok with this?  I thought I was.  Until my brother in law stopped one more time before he had to head back to Florida.  (my mother in law still has another week here)  When I gave my brother in law a hug goodbye….ohhh….the ache I felt inside.  It was unbearable.  It was like he was taking yet another piece of my late husband away with him…..But did I cry?  No…I did not.  Why?  Because I did NOT want Pete, my current spouse, to worry…to have doubts over my feelings for what I have now, as opposed to THEN.

You see….I DO miss the life I had.  And I refuse to feel guilty over that.  I just don’t want my husband to think I don’t value what we have….the fact is, the two cannot be compared.  Two different people…two different lives….

Just because I miss what I used to have doesn’t mean I am not okay with what has taken it’s place, right?  I mean, I have 3 beautiful children now instead of one.  They will have each other when Pete and I are old and gray and need THEM to take care of US.  (What??  One can hope, right??)

Sometimes I feel like people forget that Brian, my late spouse, and I did NOT divorce…..we did not separate by choice, we were separated by DEATH.  Oh, there is such a big difference.

The difference is…..when you divorce, go ahead and compare the two lives….say how horrible the previous life was….beat the shit out of the previous spouse’s character…THAT is all okay!!  But when death has been the cause?  Oh no….it’s not ok to do that.  It’s just NOT.  You have respect for what you had.  You don’t need to glorify it and say how perfect it was just because you are supposed to be respectful to the dead…no, it’s not that.  You need to be honest about it though.  And I can honestly say that what Brian and I had wasn’t perfect by any means, but if he were still alive today, I can pretty much bet that we would still be together.

So….just because I moved on, and it doesn’t matter how soon or not soon I did this, it doesn’t mean that what I had previously didn’t have meaning.

And maybe I didn’t give myself enough time to grieve…or….maybe I did.  I really don’t know.  I don’t know if I just kept busy with any distraction I could which prevented me from grieving…..or what?  Can one have delayed grief??  Is it even possible?

What I do know is that often times I find myself wondering how I got to where I am today.  I find myself analyzing if the choices I made were the best for me, or were they made for my daughter??   Did I make my choices with a clear mind?   Did I even take part in these decisions?  I look at my kids and think…how the hell did you get here, and WHEN??    Seriously….It seems that I am cloudy in my thinking sometimes…..and it can be very scary.

Pete and I are celebrating our 4th anniversary next week…..time sure does fly, doesn’t it?

We have come  a long way, yet….we have an even longer way to go.  There is no perfect marriage…..in the past, or the present….and that is ok too. 

It really is.

And here’s a video that hit close to home….not only because of the losses I’ve had, but because of the words….the same words I had put on Brian’s stone, yet….I try to recall these words as I live my life now. 

It’s really not the number of breaths in life you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away.

 

Here’s to all your breath-taking moments…and may there be plenty!!

Link up with Shell if you’d also like to “Pour Your Heart Out” today.

PINT-Puppy Style

 

Well, I’ll be damned….Supah is selling Post-It Note Tuesday!!  I say…

       

WTF??

And that is all on that subject.  Go ahead, link up and play or hop on over to Supah’s and place your offer for Post-It Note Tuesday!!  I will follow you, my dear Post-It Note Tuesday…yes I will!!

Some of you may know, we have added a new puppy to our chaotic household.  Yeah, I know…where were we thinking?? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        

So….Cali is adjusting well….me….not so much.  I keep considering using my iPod earbuds to block out her howl at 2 am, but for some reason, maybe it’s the Mom in me….I’m certain that no one will get her to let her out.  It’s takes more than a howl to wake up with spouse…..

K….go link up, or like I said, go purchase Post-It Note Tuesday over at Supah’s!!  It’s for a good cause!

      

       Happy Tuesday!!

Psychotic Me

Ok, I need to thank Wikipedia for it’s true and accurate diagnosis of what I thought was “normal” which has turned out to be a “psychosis” of some sort.

Seriously…listen here…..according to Wikipedia…..

“People experiencing psychosis my report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and thought disorder.  Depending on it’s severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction, and impairment in carrying out the daily life activities.”

Ok…let’s not wonder why I was doing a search for “psychosis” in the first place, let’s just assume I stumbled upon it quite innocently.  K?  K.  thnakyouverymuchinadvance.

First of all, hallucinations?   Oh yes….definitely.  I have hallucinated.  I swear last week as I was sweating my ass off while our air conditioner was on the fritz, that I must have lost several inches off  my waist, hips and thighs……after all,  I must have been shedding the pounds if I was perspiring more than if I was busting my ass during a work out at the local gym, right?

Wrong.  This was a definite hallucination as I stared at my “glistening” self in the mirror.  I think this was similar to the mirage that people report seeing after being on the desert for so long….yep, no poundage lost….despite my dehydrated state.

Personality changes?  I can’t really say I have this.  No…I’m a bitch and always will be.  Ask thy spouse.  He will agree whole heartedly!

Bizarre behavior??  Difficulty with social interaction??  Ok…depends on what YOU consider bizarre.  If deciding to add a new puppy to home with a teen, 2 toddlers, and a spouse that is already at his limit is considered bizarre…well, then yes, I confess. 

                                                 (google image)

Difficulty with social interraction??  Oh come on now, me saying, “Don’t you know by now, it’s “pull UP” not “around”! to the new Caribou Coffee worker is socially unacceptable, then that’s too fucking bad!!  Seriously!!  She should know by now!!  It’s been weeks!!  Look out your fucking drive through window you dimwit!!

And just because when the cashier at Walgreens asked if I would also like to purchase 2 candy bars (two for a buck), I said, “Not until your workers know how to stack the diet coke so I don’t have to break another fucking nail trying to get a case off the shelf”……….does this really mean I cannot interact socially??

So, on top of all of this new information from Wikipedia, I realize that my “possible” addiction is really a quite SERIOUS addiction.  Yes, I am addicted to Claritin D, and I can’t really say I’m proud of it.  What I AM proud of is that I have admitted said addiction to my doctor who in return said, “Very eeenteressstinggg”.  Yes, isn’t thought?  WTF, people??  I’ve admitted an addiction!!  And this is what he says?

I’m not really kidding here….the other evening I CHOSE to not take a Claritin D even though I knew how horrible it would be the next morning.  Yep, I was right.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  The first place I stopped on the way to work was CVS drugstore to buy Claritin.  Oh yesss, I did.  BUT!!  Get this….I did not buy it!!  I wandered around enough to where 3 employees asked if they could help me and I kept saying “no, I’m good”…..then, “no thank you”…then….”can you leave me the fuck alone???”  Then I grabbed a can of almonds just so they didn’t think I was there for no reason, paid for my lovely purchase and left their fucking store without my precious Claritin D.

I was proud.  I was beaming.  I was swerving on the road nearly missing mailboxes and pedestrians because I needed my pseudophedrine fix the sun was a little too bright…..but I made it.  I made it until 4 pm and then as soon as I got in the door I took a Claritin D.  I was good by 6 pm, but damn!!  Before that???  Yep, I was not only going to dismember the spouse, tie the teen up by her glorious ponytail, duct tape the toddlers to the wall and put a fucking diaper on the not-housebroken puppy…..but I was going to check into the nearest psych ward……

That being said, psychosis…..addiction….whateverthefuck you want to call it….it’s serious business and doctors should not take it so lightly when their patients are admitting these things. 

Don’t you agree??

Ok…now I need to go instruct the Caribou worker once AGAIN that it’s “PULL UP” not “AROUND”….geesh!!  Get a grip on your surroundings you nucking futcase!! 

My Busy Not-so-Normal Life

Ok…there is no use in complaining…..if I do, I might hear something like “you made your bed, now you get to lie in it” or is it “you forgot to make your bed, so lie in it”??  Oh wait, it could be “you broke the fucking bed, now it’s yours forever….”  Whatever the case, I made my own choices, and now I have to do the best I can.

So, I have 3 kids which makes my days hectic and seemingly never-ending.  My oldest has ADD which adds a little spice to her personality, but it all works out in the end if you know how to speak with her, and not AT her. 

 

My middle child, Lil Lady, is almost 4 and we just recently conquered the potty battle.  Now the new battle is that she says she has to potty and then just stands there until I say, “Then MOVE IT!!!”  She will wander to the bathroom, and then wait for me to pull down her panties and plop her ass on the toilet…..then of course I have to wipe her princess ass when she’s done.  This morning I was muttering away about how, if I allowed it, or if it were even possible, I would not only be pulling everyone’s pants down in this house AND wiping their asses, but I’d also be taking a shit for each one daily if it made THEIR lives easier. 

I should know better.  I should keep my muttering to myself.  The next thing I hear is this, “No Mommy, you would only have to shit for one of us……Me.” 

Great…that is just fucking GREAT, isn’t it??? 

 

 

Then you have my Little Man who is just about 2 1/2 years old.  He keeps me on my toes because I never know what he’s going to do.  He’s been a climber since he was able to pull himself up.  He’s now an avid jumper.  Yes, he jumps off chairs, couches, step stools, potty chairs…..and whatever is available. 

Well, on Friday he did something to his foot, or his knee, or his hip….we still don’t know.  All we know is that he was limping, and limping pretty damn good too.  He was holding onto furniture in order to not put much weight on his right leg.  He looked worse than half of my patients, and they are all over 70 years old!!  We had a couple trips to the ER to determine what happened.  Both times nothing was found.  I tried to tell the doctor that he doesn’t really show how much something hurts, and that is why I was there-I really didn’t know how bad he was hurt.  Hell…he was giggling as he was walking and saying, “ohh, owie….”  Now THAT is NOT normal….nor does he get it from MY side of the family.

 

 

The ER nurse saw this as she drew blood from my Little Man and he didn’t flinch.  He didn’t cry.  He didn’t do anything to indicate that he felt the needle puncture his tiny little vein.  In fact, afterwards I sat him up and all he said was, “K, done now.”  He was more or less ticked off at this point and was going to remove himself from the ER.  It took  2 juice boxes, 4 packs of graham crackers, a small bottle of bubbles, and a little beach ball just to keep him occupied while we waited for the xray results.

The next time I’m going to let him laugh it off, literally, and forego the medical bills!

Now….if things weren’t hectic enough, we’ve added a puppy to the mix.  Her name is Cali and she’s as precious as can be….until you give her a puppy chewy bone.  Yep….can you say “neurotic dog”??  So, after seeing her snap one time, and growl one time, I went out and bought a crate.

The crate has a nice little divider in it that is going to show sweet little Cali how to hold her pee.  Yes, that’s what the box said.  Well, not in those words, of course.  The crate is also going to show Cali that she is not the boss of me!!  Absolutely!  I am going to have a sweet little Cali in no time.

Here’s hoping for happy housebreaking and exorcising the Cujo in my little Cali!

So…on that note, Go…link up with Supah and enjoy Post-It Note Tuesday!!

Words to Ban

Have you ever wanted to be in a position to ban a few words that you are so extremely tired of hearing?  You know the ones.  The ones that make you roll your eyes, and make you want to bitch slap the person who says them, and make your innards do a flip??  Yes, THOSE words.  Maybe it’s just ONE word….maybe it’s an entire sentence…whatEVahhhh!!  They should be banned!!

I’ve given it alot of thought, and I’ve come up with my own list.  I think if I jot them down and tape them to my forehead post them on the fridge, someone might get a handle on what makes the Mom have a potty mouth of her own.

#1. Huh?

Yes, this one is a killer.  You see, it’s not just that the person that uses this words is really asking “what?” as you might think.  No…that is NOT the case.  Usually, this is how it goes:

Me:  Did you tell the teen that to clean up the puppy pee on the carpet she only needed to dab it with a paper towel?

The person:  Huh?

Me:  DID YOU TEL….

The person:  (interrupting me which shows me he HEARD what I said) I didn’t tell her that.

Me:  Well she said you did…

The person:  Huh?

Me:  She sai…..

The person:  Why would I tell her that?  Of course you need to spray the rug cleaner on the pee spot first….  (once again interrupting me which shows that he HEARD ME).

Me:  You keep saying “huh?” as if you don’t hear me….but then you answer me before I repeat myself….

The person:  Huh?

Me:  Never mind.

#2.  Why?

Okay, okayyyy, call me a bad mom, but DAMN I am tired of answering the WHY questions!!  Seriously, if it was “why questions” as in “why do I have to eat dinner now?”  or “why can’t I have a sleep over?” , I would totally get it.  But these questions are coming from the Lil Lady.  For example, she asked if she could help wash the dishes.  Yes, she is almost 4, and she loves to do this, but I had just finished with them.  I told her exactly THAT to which she responds with “why?” 

Ummmm….because if I didn’t, then I’m pretty sure there would be no one here offering to help, that’s why!

Or how about this one. 

Me:  Lil, you really better not pee in those pants.  And seeriously, if you poop in them I will have to beat you…

Lil Lady:  Why?

Me:  Because, seriously, I don’t want to be cleaning poop out of those little panties….

Lil Lady:  Why?

Me:  Dear Lord, Lilli!!  It’s disgusting!!

Lil Lady: Why?

Me:  (calling my sister)  Do you have anymore Xanax??

 

You see?  Do you see why I’m losing my fucking mind??

 

Ok, another word or group of words that I want banned??  Well, there are several ways this is said….but each and EVERY WAY makes my skin crawl!

#3.  The puppy peed!!!  ( Hollered from the toddler’s bedroom)

#4.  OMG, I’m exhausted.

Really??  And I’m not??  Seriously….

#5.  When will you be home?     Are you coming home soon?  ETA, please?        Almost home?    Done Yet?? 

You see, I do home care, so my time is flexible.  The problem is, everyone knows THIS!!  They don’t think I work a REAL job with REAL set hours.  They know I can end at any time each day as long as I get the people seen during the week.  And, if I’m not at work when this question pops up in a text, that means I am usually at the store, and certainly not anywhere having fun.  If I could be home sooner from the fucking grocery store, I would be!!  Trust me!!  Giant Eagle cannot be compared to the local bar!!

#6.  When are you coming?

I have a patient that calls me every day until I break down and return his call to find out when I’m going to be there.  I normally don’t answer his call am busy at the time so I let it go to voice mail.  By Thursay I have at least 5 voicemails that he has left me asking when I’m coming by.  I usually go on Fridays.  I finally return his call on Thursday saying I will be there on Friday.  I tell him I will call him when I’m on my way but it’s usually before 11am.  He calls me Friday morning….leaves a message because I refuse to answer I am too busy to answer, and asks what time I will be there.  I call him back and ask if he has somewhere to be to which he answeres , “Nope”.  Then why the fuck do I have to tell you exactly when I’m coming?????

Holy Assjackets!!  Seriously!  If I answered everyone of his calls, I would be on the phone more than I would be tending to my patients that really DO need help!!

So, there you have it.  My list of words that should be banned.  In fact, from this moment on, they ARE banned. 

Go ahead….make my day!!

 

 

And now that we have a new puppy, I can imagine what SHE has to say.  It’s not the whining or howling at 3 am that is gonna get to me.  Oh no, it’s THIS:

 

I swear, It Wasn’t Me

Yep, you got it, I’ve linked up with MckMama in her Not-Me meme once again.  I like this one because I certainly have alot I’d like to admit to, yet not REALLY admit to, if ya know what I mean.  So, go ahead, hop on over to MckMama’s site and link up!

 

 

MckMama also has a sweet little prize that you could possibly win just for linking up today.  Go ahead, check it out!

She’s offering one of these turquoise blue newsboy caps from briar.claire that the newest “big sister” was sporting the other day:

Never mind the cap, isn’t this little girl adorable??  (I hope it was ok to post this pic….geesh…never thought of that, but I wanted you all to see the sweet cap that is being given away)

Ok…without further a-do……..

First of all, let’s get this straight, it was NOT ME that had a funky nightmare that the spouse was having an affair with some skank lady named “Opal”.  And it was NOT ME that gave the spouse the third degree in the morning about “who the fuck is Opal???”  And I certainly didn’t bring up Opal three or four more times last week.  No, why would I do that???

It was NOT ME that quietly turned around from my computer to check on the little ones and thought, “What the hell…???”  Because MY kids would never be found playing with THIS, never…not in a million kajillion years.

I would never even consider taking in not ONE but TWO St. Bernards that were in need of a good home.  Sure, I have a big heart, and I really care about my spouse, and even IF the male dog DID NOT take  my spouse’s entire hand in his mouth, I would never, EVER consider having such humungous dogs in my house.

And since I did not take in the 2 giant doggies (I seriously didn’t), it wasn’t me that got a bit of puppy fever and spent all Friday evening and Saturday morning searching the internet for a puppy.  Nope, I am a grown up now, and a puppy isn’t necessary. 

It was NOT ME that located this awesome pup:

And….I was not the one sitting in the passenger seat saying “are we there yet???  are we there yet????” as we drove an hour to go pick up this adorable baby.

Nope….that was not me.

It wasn’t me that silently bitched up a storm because our air conditioner froze up again.  Nooooo….I am not spoiled like that.  Come on…people all over the world survive without air conditioning.  I can too.  Right?  Cuz it’s certainly NOT gonna be ME that moans and groans and becomes hell on wheels when I sweat just because I move slightly to scratch an itch or something minor like that.  Oh no…I can handle it. 

“Hello?  Mr. Appliance Repair?  Yes, we need your help STAT.  Yes…I said STAT.  If anyone asks, it was NOT ME that called you!”

And one more thing?  It was not me that sent the previous babysitter an email explaining that she really ought to think twice about bashing me on Facebook, because it WAS NOT I that took advantage of HER, and I will not take part in the Facebook bashing unless I find it necessary to defend myself.

And FYI?  It WAS the previous babysitter who then deleted all posts in reference to her being taken advantage of by me. 

Imagine that.

Some people really are clueless.  You’d think she would just un-friend me or something simple like that.  Brainless is what I call that.  Common sense people, C-O-M-M-O-N   S-E-N-S-E.

Ahhh well…..thanks for listening to what I haven’t done.  This meme is always fun, you should give it a try!

Happy Not-Me Monday!!

Confess with Me

It’s time for Friday Confessional with Glamazon!!  Let’s all put our hands up for Glam!  Woot!  Woot!!  Come on…it’s early and I’m trying to get motivated.  Link up…..

 

Crazy week…first of all I won’t be the proud owner of these big doggies.

                                           Lela & Alan

When we went to meet them,  I was in awe.  They are gorgeous! 

I confess that I was a little uncertain if I would be able to handle even ONE of them because of their size.  I saw how they were dragging around their owner and her son pulling just a teensy bit on their leashes….

I confess that when Alan took my spouse’s entire hand in his mouth without warning and in a not-so-nice-way, I was more amazed than concerned.  My spouse does NOT have small hands, nope, not in the least.  I wasn’t worried that Alan was going to do any harm, he looked completely innocent to me. 

Alan also gave my spouse the evil eye for a moment which sort of clinched the deal.

It was a HELL to the NO!!

I confess that I was a wee bit disappointed that we wouldn’t be bringing these 2 babies home with us.

I also confess that I am thrilled that we are now considering getting one of THESE!!!

I miss having a dog around the house.

I confess I know it’s going to be hard work and that there will be fighting about whose dog IS it really??  But that will soon fade away and I can have her all to myself because I’ll be the one feeding her, bathing her, and cleaning up her shit.  Yep…that’s what the mom does, right??

Another confession I have??  I wish my teen didn’t have to go back to school in a few short weeks.  There, I said it!  But ya know what?  I don’t look forward to the early mornings with her, the fight to get her up, the fight to do the homework, the fights when she gets a failing grade yet whines how she “tried!!!”  Yeah, tried my ass, girlie!!

I also confess that if my Lil lady shits her panties one more time I am calling in the big guns.  What are the big guns?  I have no fucking idea but that’s what people say when they want to get the job done, right?  Seriously….she is being lazy.  She CAN do it.  I KNOW she can.  The same with peeing…she is picking and chosing when she wants to sit on the pot and I am at my wits end.  Anyone have any miracle ideas??

I confess I did a little eyeroll or two when the spouse sent me a text that contained a link to this:

He still believes I know how to read a weather map.  I confess…..

…..I do NOT.

I asked if I needed to take cover but he didn’t respond back so I assumed I was ok to continue blogging or that he got removed from the premises by a tornado or something.

I mean, for Pete’s sake, I don’t know that many people, men or women, who live their lives according to the “animated weather forcast”.  Do you??

                            

So, the work week is over and we have a full weekend ahead of us.  We have to maybe go puppy shopping tomorrow.  Then on Sunday we have a birthday party to attend for a four year old.  May I quietly confess that I am not looking forward to this party?  Really.  I could just as easily chase my kids in my own yard, right??  Do I really have to go somewhere that has no little potty for Lil Lady, no ropes and chains for Little Man and no padded room for me??  Is it really necessary??  I think not.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I have to go now because whats-her-name just peed in her panties.  Give me strength.