OH FOR PETE'S SAKE!

Friends with Benefits

2011-11-18T13:07:00.001-08:00

Today I found myself in the position of asking my 14 year old daughter what her “boyfriend” meant by a “friend with benefits”. No parenting class and no amount of research in the world on how to raise a teenager could have prepared me for this. Am I that stupid??
This is how it went down:
The Teen: Mom, can I go to the movies with [insert boyfriend’s name here] and his one friend who is a girl? She’s one of his friend’s with benefits.
Me: What movie? Whe…..WHAT?? Did you just say “friends with benefits”??
The Teen: Yes. Can I go?
Me: What is this “friends with benefits”?? The name of the movie?
The Teen: Um….No?
Me:

The Teen:

Seriously.
I’m trying to figure out if “friends with benefits” has some other meaning when you are talking to a 14 year old. Does it mean “a friend that pays your way to the movie”? Does it mean “a friend that will let you cheat on the test”?
I consulted a friend about this situation and she thought maybe it was “a friend that was gonna help them get free popcorn at the movie.”
I was afraid, yet I consulted the spouse. Oh gawd, I know right??!!
His response?

Oh yeah, I’m thinking he KNOWS there is no other meaning to FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS other than the one we know as adults.
So I researched it.
According to Mark Cichocki, R.N., a nurse educator, this is what he found out after talking to a few teenagers:
“While talking to a group of teenagers recently, I heard a term that was completely new to me. Many of the teens talked about "friends with benefits". Being a naive father of three teenage daughters I had to ask what that meant exactly. I was shocked to find out that many teenagers from 14 to 18 years of age were developing a new type of sex only relationship. It was explained to me that boys and girls were "hooking up" for sex, both intercourse and oral, but did not consider themselves to be dating or in a intimate monogamous relationship. They considered one another to be "friends with benefits". The more questions I asked the more concerned I became.”

Excuse me while I puke now.
Seriously. I just don’t know if I am going to survive these teenage years. How can I keep my baby safe? How can I keep her from making the bad decisions??
Is she THAT naive that she didn’t realize what [insert her EX - boyfriend’s name here] was referring to when he said that?? Did she think “Friends with Benefits” was the new TEEN CLUB??
Holy effing schnazzballs! Can you imagine??

How do you keep your teenage daughters AWARE without putting ideas into their heads, yet giving them the knowledge to know right from wrong? How do you keep them SAFE??

Chocolate Talks

2011-09-29T18:53:00.001-07:00

Ok, once again I have been MIA for a bit. You see, I sort of took a job that is not in my best interest, and I’ve been very quiet about it because I am sort of embarrassed at even saying I’m employed there. BUT….guess what?? Happy Blog Fodder Day!!

I QUIT!!

I sat down to write my resignation. I should be a pro at this by now, but unfortunately, I am not. It’s always difficult for me to say what is appropriate.

I carefully got situated in front of my computer and began to type….

Somehow this didn’t sound right so I asked the spouse if it seemed a bit harsh. He thought “yes, definitely yes”.

I tried again…..

Ugh…still doesn’t quite FEEL right.

With a bit of ~~badass bitchiness~~ a heavy heart I tried again……

I asked another source if this would be sufficient. The response was….

”Tell ‘em how you REALLY feel!!”

Bwaaaahahahahaha!! I thought I did just that!!

One last try….I know I can get it right this time.

OMG, I should make a side business out of writing resignations for people. This is way too much fun!

I came to my senses and wrote a generic I’m-leaving-you-as-soon-as-possible resignation and I stomped into the facility….

……after business hours when I knew the boss would have been long gone…..

…..in disguise……

….and QUICKLY slid my letter under the boss’s door, held my head up high because I was proud, did not turn back, did not concern myself with the fact that someone may have seen me….and……

….RAN LIKE HELL because I’m a muther-truckin WUSS!!

Next time I’m going to take my Uncle’s advice and hand in my resignation the way he suggested. After all, he’s “seasoned”, wise, and really has AN AWESOME SENSE OF HUMOR!!!

Nothing says it better than a box of chocolates!!

Sayonara!! May you rest in peace……

Hasta la vista baby!!!

再見/再见

Ohhh Hello Kitty…..you are so silly.

Too bad it’s not Valentine’s Day!!

I know, I know….cool, eh??

What Makes Me Happy?

2011-08-19T13:12:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking lately and trying to focus on only what makes me happy. I’m tired of bitching at the spouse about not taking out the trash. I’m tired of nearly chaining my teen to her room to get her to clean it. I’m tired of threatening the two short people that live here, aka the 3 and 4 year old, that I’m about to get out my trash bag so they better start picking up the toys that they don’t want out on the curb come Sunday night. I’m tired of the insane drivers out there that can’t seem to wait their turn. Blow your horn at me one more fucking time and it’s WAR, baby, W. A. R.

I’m tired of ignorant, nasty, rude people. Don’t pretend you don’t know who you are. Seriously. Asshats.

AND I DON’T LIKE THEM.

So….what DOES make me happy?

I’ve made a list.

The short people that live here falling asleep before 8pm.
The teen actually doing what is asked of her.
The trash taken out before I have to roll my eyes and groan that not even the piece of lint I picked up off the floor will fit in.
A new bag in the trash can on the rare occasion I’m not the one that has taken it out. (Doesn’t it suck when you throw something away and realize there is no fucking bag AFTER the trash has left your hand???)
Caribou Coffee….specifically a White Chocolate Mocha No Whip please. These are da bomb!! If could marry one, I would.

A cashier that says, “Hi.” That’s all. Just “Hi.” will do it. I’m not asking for the damn world here on a silver platter. Just have a freakin clue!

Moving right along…..

A good hair day.
My kids. Yes, they make me happy. I swear they do. Oh, okay….so I want to beat them several times a day, but after each beating…yep…I am happy with them.
My spouse, when he vacuums without me nagging, and he rubs my feet after each 12 hour shift that I work, and he offers to give me a massage without any sex-pectations. Oh, and he makes me extremely happy when he does all the laundry and cleans the entire house just because I am working night shift 12 hours on a Saturday and a Sunday. What? Ok, you are right…he doesn’t do any of these things. But it sure would make me happy if he did.
Quiet. Peace. And. Quiet. Simply stated? Shut the fuck up!

My dog.

My patients at work. Except for the select few assholes that have me walking up and down the hall just to see if they took a shit or not…most of them make me happy.
My days off.
A kitchen big enough to have a table in it. Yep…my kitchen sucks holy fucking monkey balls and I’m not afraid to admit it.
The fact that I used to be “Royalty”. It is true…you can check out the facts HERE.
My blog…and all the other blogs I read….they make me happy. I can chill out, drink my White Mocha, ~~forget I have children~~ and read some really good stuff. What pisses me the fuck off is that I don’t have enough time to do this. What the hell, Life? Can’t I just be a mindless, no-responsibility slacker and still make enough cash to pay the bills?

So….these are just a few of the things that make me happy. What are YOUR happy things? Your favorite things? Leave a comment…I’d love to know! Maybe I can steal one or two….

Raising Animals

2011-07-28T18:42:00.001-07:00

For those of you that have read my blog before, you know that I am a working mom with 3 kids, ages 3, 4, and 14, and a spouse that is still in training. I’ve posted before about my children’s antics, and how they never cease to amaze me. From my chaotic mornings to the day I thought I lost Little Man to me having my Biggest Mommy Tantrum Ev-ahhh ….. I’ve had my share of reasons as to why I feel this “parenting” business is not about raising children, but it’s about RAISING ANIMALS.

Yesterday this was confirmed.

Thank you, Little Man.

You see….before Little Man, I only knew the workings of little girls. Little girls are easy. Little girls don’t climb. Little girls don’t jump off the highest surface they can get up onto. Little girls are decent.

Little girls would never think to pee outside…..

Not that my girls are angels or anything of the sort. They can fight like cats. And when I say CATS, I don’t mean cute little furry kittens, oh hell to the no! I mean CATS! The big furry ones with pointy teeth and sharp claws. Animals…..

But yesterday…..OMFG…..this is a true story.

The spouse was in the bathroom upstairs. I ran downstairs to flip a load of clothes. I faintly hear the spouse tell Little Man, “Hang on…I’m coming out.” Now, Little Man is a bit over 3 years old and ever since our talk about the “poop police coming”, ~~and also since I made him walk around without any pants or Pull-Ups until he took a shit on the potty,~~ he has been pooping in the potty. Like clockwork. God forbid we are anywhere but near a potty at 5pm.

So, when the spouse didn’t open the bathroom door right away when Manny jiggled the knob saying he had to poop, Little Man took matters into his own hands.

I came upstairs to the spouse asking where Manny was. I said I didn’t know, I had been in the laundry room. He relayed that Manny said he had to poop and maybe he went downstairs to use that bathroom. I thought, oh shoot….and I turned off all the lights not knowing he was down there!

So I go downstairs.

No Manny.

No Manny in any of the rooms upstairs either. We ask Little Lady where he went. Little Lady, being 4 going on 24, says he went outside.

WTF?? Alone??

Again??

We go outside to find Little Man standing where the dog usually does her business, his pants around his ankles, just looking at us.

And we look at this….

The interrogation from the Dad begins…..

“Manny. Is this YOUR POOP???”

Well….it certainly looked like his poop. And he WAS standing there with his pants around his ankles. And he WAS a wee bit embarrassed to look us in the eye…..

And here I was, worried about the Little Man spewing F-Bombs in public rendering me totally humiliated. I swear, if he ever feels the need to take a crap outside in public, I will personally check myself in at the nearest psychiatric facility.

What have YOUR little animals done to make you re-think this parenting business?

Oh, and if you want to know more about my Little Man-imal….you can read it here. Just don’t say I haven’t warned you.

Happy Thursday!!

All By My Self

2011-07-21T13:29:00.001-07:00

There is some part of the English language that I wish I could just do away with. Oh, for Pete’s sake, I’m not talking about my potty mouth, I could NEVER do away with THAT! I’m talking about things that I have to keep repeating….Day. After. Day. After. Day.

Like….

Do you have to pee??

Are you stinky?

“Who?? Me?? Not stinky….”

And also I’d like to stop having to say….

NO!!

STOP!!

Keep your hands to yourself!

Who used my brush?? Where is it??

We do NOT eat in the living room!

Where’s Manny? (He’s forever disappearing)

“Here I am!”

There are also some things that I wish my children would stop saying…

Look at me!

Watch this!

Mom! Mom! Mom!!

He touched me!!

I can’t see the TV!!

He’s not sharing!!

Where’s Manny?

“Just going to work, Mom.”

Some things that I hope to NEVER stop hearing…

I love you, Mom!

I did it! Alllll byyyy My. Self!

At least her shoes match….this time.

And I would die if they stopped saying….

You’re the best!

Will you sit with me, Mom?

I found him!!

Totally exhausted.

Some things other people say that make me cringe just a wee bit…

Can I help? (The help of a three year old does not always end well)

He was here a minute ago…..

I thought you were watching him. (Oh dear Spouse…..what am I going to do with you???)

I did it! Allll byyyy myyyy self!

Now….I wonder WHO on earth taught my Little Man that it’s ok to take a piss off the back of the deck??

Like father. Like Son.

Happy Thursday!!

A Sign

2011-07-11T13:02:00.001-07:00

Signs….seriously, they are everywhere. Sometimes I understand them….sometimes I just stop and ponder….

Seriously…is this not redundant??

The kind of “sign” I’m talking about is a “sign” we give with our hands. Like a wave “hello”, a thumbs up when something is done right, a “talk to the hand” kinda sign when a co-worker is a bitch-bitching away…..

Sometimes we see people and they give us a sign and we smile…

I love you.

Sometimes we get a sign and we would like to pummel the other person with a sledgehammer….

Loser.

A few weeks ago we had some people over and my sister and I were having a conversation with her daughter-in-law. It was a little noisy with other people talking, it was late in the evening, and we may or may not have had a bit too much wine, but we laughed hysterically at our wit when we recognized a “gesture” as a “sign in the making”! You see, her daughter-in-law was describing a website window with 2 screens, one on top of the other…..

Well, this is what I pictured anyways with they way her hands were demonstrating the screen like so….

“There’s one window on top of the other…..”

But then….you see, my sister got all lost in the conversation, again, maybe having something to do with the wine consumption, and she said, “What the hell was that with your hands??” ….and she made the gesture.

It was explained once again, and then my sister stated, “Oh, I thought that was some kind of sign you were making at me….”

So then….we looked at each other, and because we think so much alike, we both made the sign at each other and said, “Grrrrr, fuck you!”

(Cuz that’s how we roll)

I know, I know….you may not be getting this whole “sign” thing here, and if not, it’s okay because my spouse was not really laughing too much either. I figured he just didn’t get it. (Sometimes that happens….) Or maybe the alcohol had gotten to him too. Regardless, we are so gonna use this sign and start a trend. In fact….my spouse, who I thought was clueless when we had this conversation, was the first person to use the sign other than my sister and I.

My teen’s facebook got hacked. After the spouse posted something about all hackers getting crucified or something by the Sicilian side of my daughter’s family, he looked at me and said THIS:

“Hackers beware!”

So, yeah….and then some!!

He WAS paying attention to the conversation.

Just when you think you’ve got ‘em figured out.

Happy Monday!!

Change

2011-06-26T19:11:00.001-07:00

Mr. Sake here. My turn again……

I HATE CHANGE!!! I’m not talking about the jingly coins floating around in my front pocket here, I’m talking about new circumstances – as in The-Times-Are- A- Changin’ kind of change. There are very few times I have been thrilled with change. The day my Lady and I became Mister and Misses - that was awesome! The days each of our younger ones were born – exceptional. The day I got my new shiny yard tractor – ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!!!

(Insert eye-roll from Mrs. Sake)

The change that bugs me involves my being a creature of habit. I like stuff to stay just the way it is, the way that I am used to. I want to be able to traverse my life with my eyes closed, knowing exactly what’s coming next. The reality is that with my eyes closed I have gotten a few (several ….. hundred) deep bruises. (I tell him to WATCH OUT on a daily basis, but…..)

CHANGE. I love my old cell phone. So I took the big step and got a new one – same brand, newer “better” model. AHEM. Hack-hack. Excuse me, had to clear my throat. (He’s been whining all day about not being able to figure it out. Shhhhhh….I promised not to tell.)

CHANGE. My hair is not turning grey – IT’S TURNING FLIPPIN’ LOOSE!!!! Enuf said. (Silence from Mrs. Sake…)

CHANGE. WE’RE OUT OF COFFEE!!!!!!! (NEXT TIME PUT IT ON THE LIST!!!!)

CHANGE. The kids are growing. They are becoming less/more dependent on me. No more diapers (good change). Cleaning the bathroom every two hours due to poor aim – yep – bad change. (Now if we can teach Mr. Sake how to aim we’ll be in business!)

CHANGE. The Tween becomes a teen – bad bad bad bad bad! Makeup, hair, BOYFRIEND! Not in this house, girly! (Mrs. Sake nixed my idea right away) :)

CHANGE. WHO MOVED MY HAT???!!!!! (It’s on your head…just saying….)

CHANGE. New office assistant at work – the owner’s sister - bad change. I’ve been here 14 years lady. You are an ASS-istant. I am upper-level management. GET OUTTA MY FACE!

CHANGE. Kids go from tricycles to bicycles …….. Where’s the first-aid kit?

CHANGE. Wife gets new job (#2 in six months) - with new hours…….. Where’s MY first-aid kit?

CHANGE. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP MY JACKET IN THE CLOSET???!!!!!! (I say he’s lucky to HAVE a closet….)

CHANGE. WallyWorld remodels into a super-store. I can’t even find the damn light bulbs!!!

(Mr. Manly-Man…..too stubborn to ASK?)

CHANGE. DAWN DISH SOAP IS THE BEST – WAYYYYYY BETTER THAN THIS CRAP!!!!!

CHANGE. The Teen wants to try new stuff, every fad, experience more – but doesn’t want to try washing the dishes. Maybe it’s the soap.

CHANGE. The four year old becomes part of the house administration. She’s got a quicker wit than me. (Did I tell you the one where Mr. Sake had to go for an MRI due to “mental status changes”??? Teeheehee!!!)

CHANGE. My knees are killing me. What do you mean arthritis? You got your medical degree where? Cracker Jack?

CHANGE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M NOT YOUNG ANY MORE???!!!!! (MRI #2?)

CHANGE. The recliner is mine. Get your teenage ass off it and find somewhere else to speed-text.

CHANGE. Who used my last razor? WTF? How the hell am I supposed to maintain my dignity after shaving with a PINK one?? (I say, “Suck it Up, Fuzzy Face!”)

CHANGE. WE’RE OUT OF COFFEE!!! (Oh dear Lord…wasn’t this already mentioned? Put it on the fucking list already!)

…..and yes, pocket change is bad too. Pocket change means we’re spending money we really shouldn’t. More potential debt. Bad change. (Retail Therapy)

And by the way…don’t you think for one second that I didn’t notice the CHANGES that Mrs. Sake made to this post. How could I not? They are purple! Geesh! What do you think I am? An idiot???

~ Mr. Sake

A-hem….does anyone see COFFEE on the list??? I thought not.

~ Mrs. Sake

What Did You Say???

2011-06-24T19:23:00.001-07:00

Well, since I don’t have a wholelotta time, I figured I would join in with Sippy Cups Are Not for Starbucks and give you a taste of MY :

Sitting here trying to think while listening to Little Man and Little Lady play Mario Kart on the Wii….it’s rather distracting. In fact, everything is rather distracting lately. I blame my current employment situation since I am being pulled in every direction there. Unfortunately, I have 4 more days there at their beck and call. I’m hoping to come out of there without any BLOOD STAINS.

This week I turned 44. You heard me…..Forty-fucking-FOUR! Is that a crock of shit or what?? It’s really puzzling for me to even THINK of myself NEAR fortyfuckingfour because I still have a couple of THESE to raise….

That’s Little Man, and he’s three. I also have a 4 year old and a 13 year old that will be 14 next week!!

Ok, go ahead…say it….What the fuck was I thinking???

I wasn’t.

Add my 44-and-three-quarter-year-old spouse (yes, he’s much older than I) that acts like he’s TWO most of the time and you get one crazyass fourtyfuckingfour year old lady!!

I’ve also recently started a low-carb….

Wait…let me pause and say the two year old mentioned above is editing my blog while I am typing….No, not Little Man, I would be referring to my spouse…..

As I was saying….I’ve also recently started a low-carb diet. It’s really not so bad eating pepperoni…..pork rinds….cheese……although it’s a little worrisome since I have my nursing background and I KNOW the sodium and the fat and the sodium….oh, and the SODIUM….did I mention the sodium??? I know it’s not good for me. BUT…here’s the thing…I’m not swelling up at all like before. How the fuck does the body work anyways???

My Little Man got a bruise on his cheek at the sitter’s this week. I was pissed. I asked him what happened and he said one of the other kids squeezed his cheeks and said, “you can’t have any gum!” It really wasn’t making sense and I was getting even more ticked off so I asked his sister. Hell, she’s four, she knows everything, right? She looks at me and says, “Mackenzie squeezed his face like a guppy!!”

Ouch. Seriously??

What’s up with that? When I asked the sitter, she had no idea it even happened and that pissed me off even more than my son being made into a guppy. Who doesn’t notice THIS?

Oh Dear Lord….on top of the guppy incident, Little Man has been saying something that sounds similar to “Fuck”…or “Fucky fucky fuck”…..could be “truck”, “trucky trucky truck”?? “Ducky duck”?? Oh please….tell me it isn’t so. In fact, I think it just came out of his mouth 2 seconds ago. I did a 180 in my chair and I was ready for battle….

And at that very moment…the four year old that knows it all, from squeezing faces like guppies, to when to say “I love you, Mom”…..she says, as if she is only informing us because we don’t always understand what Little Man is saying…yes, she says,

“I think he said fuck again.”

Straight faced.

Just stating a fact.

Lilli-OMG-dont-ever-say-that-again-OMG-that-is-a-very-very-VERY bad word!!! (I think I’m having palpitations)

“I love you, Mom.”

I love you, too, Lil.

And this is when I decided….I am NOT up for Mother-of-the-Year once again. Fuck.

Big sigh.

Where Is My Wife?

2011-06-23T07:41:00.001-07:00

It's me – Pete….some of you know me as Mr. Sake as in “Oh For Pete’s Sake!”

Things have been a bit hectic around here so once again I'm here to fill in the blanks.

I think the last time Mrs. Sake had the chance to actually sit down to write about her trials was sometime in the early 1900's. No, we certainly are not that old and Al Gore wasn't even born yet so how could the internet even have possibly existed? You get the idea, hence there is a lot of subject matter that could be covered here but I intend to focus on just one - lucky for you.

As faithful followers you know that Mrs. Sake took on a new job with greater responsibility- probably more than she actually wanted but certainly not beyond her capabilities. This new position is a managerial position at a nursing home. She has invested her soul into proper care of our elderly population and her attention to details made her a perfect fit for the job.

Throughout the past six months she not only had to deal with a tremendous backlog of paperwork -which she promptly updated - but she improved the performance of her position to beyond that of any of her predecessors. The improvement has been so profound that all worries about anything having to do with her oversight are not questioned. There are no concerns - not by the director of nursing, not by the site administration, and not even by the corporate board.

This is where everything really begins to take shape. She is so efficient that the site administration regularly asks her to cover for other manager shortfalls no matter what they may be. Sometimes it is assisting other managers to complete their duties but usually she is asked to assist with staff scheduling errors. This is a polite way of saying they take advantage of her efficiency and "request" that she perform typical RN duties for the residents. This usually involves her staying hours beyond her normal shift.

Gripe #1: It is known that registered nurses command a good hourly pay rate, nurse managers are salaried employees. Therefore there is no additional compensation for the extra hours she puts in. Can you say…

It would be one thing if the additional time was a direct result of something she did not do in her titled position but this is not the case. Worst part is the managers directly responsible for needing her to perform the extra hours are clock-watchers and out of the building when their shifts are complete. Fair? NOT!!!

Gripe #2: On-call/Manager-on-duty weekends. This happens on a regularly scheduled rotation involving all the nurse managers. She has a employee schedule to look after and a company cell phone for staff to contact her directly in emergency - resident or staffing. I hate that cell phone so much that I almost took it for a swimming lesson in the creek behind our house on several occasions. One weekend that phone was ringing so often that she only got 4 hours sleep over 72 hours. That phone wakes me too and we both are on edge when it rings. She lost her Mother's Day weekend to that phone. And Father's Day weekend - you guessed it - we have that damn phone again. Yes I said "we". That phone affects all of us here at home.

Gripe #3: Dateline Monday thru Wednesday. Wife is awakened with my kiss at 530AM to begin her day. Shower, teeth brushed, makeup. Wake the Littles and get them ready - a task in itself. She reports to work at 8AM and works till 530PM- no lunch of course. Tuesday- same early routine, same report time. Only this time her work day extends to 7PM. Why? Because she is once again being taken advantage of and working the floor. Where are the other managers? GONE!!! Remember, for them it’s 5PM and out. Wednesday- same morning routine (either we are creatures of habit or slaves to society). Her workday starts as usual only this time there is a state inspector on site. Usually routine but not this time. A resident is losing weight at a questionable rate. The nurse managers are all over the facility making sure nothing is left undone. Then the fun begins. 530PM comes around and Mrs. Sake is asked to work 7PM to 4AM as a floor RN. Ironically I texted her prior to that saying if they asked her to work extra that day I would blow the roof off the place with the sheer volume of my voice. To my disdain she reluctantly agrees. Apparently the night was uneventful until 4AM. Where was the nurse coming on shift? 430? 5AM? 600AM and finally she shows up - 22 hours after Mrs. Sake's work day began. So that's three days and 41 work hours. Oh so kind was administration that they offered in advance that the misses could have Thursday off. Not good enough. Friday too or no overnight shift. They reluctantly agreed. Kicker- on Friday she needed to report in to pick up the On-call/Manager-on-duty phone and papers because it was her scheduled weekend.

This place has made my wife into something she is not….

Let’s all hope and pray my wife returns from this ordeal with her spirit still intact, her love of nursing still present, and oh yeah….no blood stains.

~Mr. Sake

And this is how it has gone down…for real. I have 5 more days left ~~for them to use and abuse me~~ at this place, and I cannot wait to be done. Not because of MY job, but because of all the EXTRAS. You know…”duties as assigned”?? Fuck that! From this point on “duties as assigned” better be written out for me or I am walking the other way!

When I start my new adventure, I will have several days where I will be able to blog, to spend time with my kids, clean the house, and maybe even cook dinner!! Imagine that!!

Give Mr. Sake a round of applause for summing up my first (and last) six months of employment at this facility. I am thankful he has been able to pick up that slack as I was ~~being held captive~~ sorting out the mess that I got myself into with this new position!

Here’s to new adventures and leaving the past….well….in the past!!

I Am Special

2011-06-18T08:11:00.001-07:00

I wrote this in May….I wasn’t going to post it until I was done working out my notice but I have 2 more weeks to go and nothing much has changed. It is what it is and I am almost D.O.N.E. Time to move on…yes, time to move on!! Why?? Because I AM more special than THIS…..

I. Am. Special. I belong to a “team” or so they call it at my place of employment. The special “management team”.

We MANAGE our own jobs to the T. We also MANAGE the jobs of others as best we can. Some times we think we manage the other jobs better than the other person can actually DO the job. It’s really rather amusing if you ask me.

The other day, as a management team member, I was pulled to the unit to do the job of one of the NON-management personnel. Yep…I can do it. And I did it without one temper tantrum, and I did it without shedding one tear. Was I happy? Nope. I have not been trained properly to do this person’s job. BUT….I HAVE been trained to manage the person that normally does the job.

Are you following me here?

That’s right. Our management team is special because we are there to manage other people without really knowing how the other people perform their job. It’s amazing.

On top of the managing part of our jobs, we have our own jobs. And yes, our jobs are also managed by someone higher up than we are. I do my job to the best of my ability but I am still new at it. I give it my all and then some more. Mostly because I’m scared of the management above me, but also because I care.

Last week I was supposed to help with the company Memorial Day picnic and my job, as management, was to serve ice-cream. Yep. That was my job. BUT, that was the day I got pulled to one of the units to pass meds. I was so worried there wouldn’t be another person from our special management team qualified to serve the ice cream, because when this was mentioned to me, there was absolutely no discussion…I MUST be present at the picnic.

Being pulled to the unit to pass meds was worrisome….yes it was. I was worried the ice cream would go un-passed and this would be so detrimental to the image we are trying to build back up within the community.

Not once as I sweat my ass off passing meds hoping I was doing the right thing for the right patient did I see one of my “team players” offering to help me. I figured they must be busy getting ready for the picnic. No big deal.

The food was set up on the unit where I was working. I was starving because I did not get a break at all….well, I had one break but hell with food, I needed to smoke!

During the busy med pass I had one of the management team come up to me and tell me all staff had to move their vehicles off the property to make room for the many community members who were expected to attend our awesome picnic. I could not leave to move my car. I was passing fucking medication!! So, one of the nice team members offered to move it for me. Nice. Asshat!

When I took my break I went out the back way so no one would see me go smoke…and man…you should have seen all the cars in the lot!! I was amazed!!

Allllll these people came to OUR special Memorial Day picnic?? No way.

After the party was over I watched as the special management team members cleaned up the mess. I gave report to the on-coming nurse and then sat to chart because I felt that I would get crucified if I missed anything. I got out late. But what really pissed me off is that not ONE of my “team-mates” even stopped to see if I needed anything before they left. They were gone. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

G.O.N.E.

What the fuck?? Seriously??

Thank God for my sister that I coerced into working there with me. She was working on another unit and we were able to walk out of there with our heads held high like we didn’t give a fuck about anything. We felt “special” to have to walk a half a mile to find our vehicles that the “management team” had offered to move for us.

Regardless, I was sort of questioning how special I really was until this weekend.

This weekend…… I received a card in the mail from my place of employment. This is how I KNEW just exactly how special they think I am. You see…it was a birthday card. Picked out especially for me. I know it took someone a good long time to pick it out and to get everyone to sign it. Yeah…that must have been quite hectic to do. If you look closely you will see……

Yep! I signed my own fucking card in one of our morning meetings!! Don’t you think they would work at little harder at not having the person sign their own card when all the cards are passed around to sign?? Don’t you think???? Aren’t we all more special than that???

And…my birthday is in JUNE, you muther truckers!!

My Nut Just Got Washed

2011-04-22T18:19:00.001-07:00

This has been Hell Week #37 out of week #16, 2011….is that alot of Hell Weeks, or what? Seriously…I SOOOO need this:

I confess that when I got a call from my supervisor when I was on the way to work telling me I needed to be “floor nurse” at 11, I nearly puked.

I confess that I am not that efficient working the floor at the new place because….and I say this with teeth clenched….I HAVE NEVER BEEN TRAINED TO WORK THE FLOOR AT THE NEW PLACE.

Just sayin…

I was told I would only be on the floor passing meds until 3pm. Ok…I can do this, right?

I confess….it did NOT go well.

I confess that as 5pm rolled around and there was no relief in sight….once again, I wanted to puke.

What the fuck??

Seriously??

I am part of what they call the “management team”. I am in charge of Restorative. I am in charge of investigating incidents that occur in the building. I do some management “things”….

I am NOT a floor nurse/charge nurse at this facility. That is why I HAVE NEVER BEEN TRAINED TO WORK THE FLOOR AT THIS PLACE.

I confess that when a family member told me she was told by a nursing assistant that “we don’t have a wheelchair to take your mother in law down to get her hair done”….my jaw dropped.

Are we not a muther truckin REHAB FACILITY???

AND we have NO WHEELCHAIR???

OMG…

…Kill me now.

I confess I wanted to take that nursing assistant by the throat and throttle her overly-tanned orangey-looking face to the fuckin’ moon!

I confess that at 5:30 after texting my spouse that ~~I was being held captive~~ I would not be able to pick up the short people from the sitter’s, I was fighting back tears.

I confess that when the sweetest nurse on this earth came over from the other unit to help me out, I lost it.

I cried and hid in the med room for several minutes before coming out and busting ass to finish the assignment.

I confess that I logged in to the computer to do what they call “Medicare Charting”, I basically said, FUCK THIS! and logged back off.

Seriously?

In MY position, I know how to CHECK to see if the Medicare charting is DONE…now HOW it’s done.

Now, this was THE day from hell. But…let me tell you a story. One of the residents needed to use the bathroom. Ok…I can DO that. I assisted him to walk into the bathroom. Gave him privacy although I kept the door cracked so I could keep an eye on his unsteady self. When he was ready to get up I popped in and began helping him. All of a sudden though, this man’s legs weren’t working. He had no balance although he kept saying he was fine. As I said, one of my REAL jobs here is to monitor the “incidents”. That means FALLS!! Oh hell no, this man was NOT falling on the Restorative Nurse!!

I couldn’t leave him to get help although I did pull the bathroom call light in hopes there was someone who may come. Ya never know…..

No one came.

Then this fella said, “Oh I better flush again…it didn’t work the last time.” Just as I was saying, “Noooooo…..!”, he turned and flushed. Then he lost his balance and had to sit again. The water, instead of going DOWN….started to come UP! I had that the-toilet-is-over-flowing-panic moment and screamed, “GET UP GET UP GET UP!!!!!”

Holy fuck I was going to be standing in shit with this man and there was nothing I was going to be able to do because this man was NOT going to end up on the floor!! No way No how!!!

Well, the water stopped coming up…it only made it to the rim, thank God. The panic was settling although I was still wondering if anyone was ever coming to help….and this man, bless him, he says, “Well….my nut just got washed.”

OHMYFUCKINGGODKILLMENOW!!!

I laughed my ass off.

And I laughed some more.

And by God, THIS was the moment I needed all fucking day!

So…although it was a hell-ish day, this old man with his awesome wit…he MADE MY DAY.

And THIS, I confess, is why I’m a nurse in the first place.

(and, just so you know, help DID come….but only after I called the nurse’s station from my cell phone that we are not supposed to have with us while working….imagine THAT.)

Thank you, Ladies, for the opportunity once again to confess. I feel cleansed and ready to work my part-time job tomorrow…THIS job I AM a floor nurse, and I CAN do it!!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!

Ten Years Ago

2011-04-17T20:34:00.001-07:00

Do you ever look back and think of how far you’ve come in a decade?? I normally do not. I try to look forward.

Always, always…..ALWAYS look FORWARD.

But today…

…today is special to me.

Ten years ago today I was working somewhere else. I was not married to the man I am married to today. I had a Dad AND a Mom who were both still living. I had a different group of friends. Some of them I still have….others?? Yeah….not so much.

But most importantly, I was ready to become a Mom for the second time.

I remember it being a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Sure, there were things that made me go “hmmmmm”….but isn’t there always something like that when you’re pregnant? Is THIS normal? Is THAT normal? Should I be having THIS pain….or THAT pain??

All of my prenatal visits went without alarm. My baby was growing…my baby’s heartbeat was good….my baby was moving as he should be inside there.

I was not worried. Why would I be? I had my first born, my daughter, who is now 13 1/2 going on 24. She was always a good baby. She was 3…..almost 4 at the time. We were preparing her to be a “big sister”!! Yeah for you, baby girl!! You are going to be a big sister! You will get to teach your baby brother all that you know! Aren’t you thrilled?? What a big job that is going to be. And only YOU can do it…because YOU are going to be the BEST big sister I know!

My daughter was ecstatic that she was going to be the one her little brother was going to look up to. She was going to teach him his colors and his numbers and maybe even sing to him. She was THREE, ya know….and she could do it all. She loved him even before he was “real”.

But….

…there was a problem.

On the morning of April 17th, 2001, I woke up. I got ready for work as usual. I got my daughter off to the sitter’s as usual. Sent the spouse off to work as usual. But wait…what was that weird feeling I was having in my upper back? That was an odd one, yes it was. Thought maybe some indigestion….

…took some Tums and off to work I went. I started seeing my patients yet in the back of my mind was that uncomfortable feeling in my upper back that I just couldn’t seem to forget about. Was my little baby’s foot stuck up under my rib?? Was he pushing on my lung? Is that even possible?

A little bit after 10am I called my obstetrician. My regular one was not in so I spoke with one of the other doctors in the office. He didn’t seem concerned although he suggested I come in for him to check things out. He asked if I felt the baby move lately…..

No. No I don’t recall feeling any movement, but I normally didn’t feel much until I was ready to sleep…THAT is when he became active. So, I was not going to get all worked up now.

I finished the patient visit I was on and drove over the doctor’s office. I sat in the exam room for just a short while which seemed like ages because by this point I was worried at the no movement comment. Why isn’t my baby moving? I’m sitting….I’m trying to be calm….come on little guy….move it!

The doc came in. He felt around my large abdomen. Did I mention I was 37 weeks along? Yep. Soon…very soon I would be the Mom of two.

The doc then got out the doppler. He listened. Well…we BOTH listened.

And listened.

Nothing.

Silence.

Total…deafening….heart-breaking SILENCE.

The doc looked at me.

I looked at him.

A little bit of me died inside as I KNEW, even though he was sending me for an immediate ultrasound, I KNEW what was happening.

I remember calling my work place. They asked if I was ok. I said no. Just….No.

I remember calling my husband at the time. I couldn’t speak. The nurse spoke for me and the next thing I knew he was there and we were on our way to the hospital for the ultrasound.

I do not remember getting to the hospital, or walking into the ultrasound room. I only remember the silence when they put the monitor on my belly.

The fucking, sickening, disgusting SILENCE of no heartbeat.

Later that evening I had a C-section and delivered a beautiful 3 pound 1 ounce baby boy, Nathaniel Joseph Guzik. He was not breathing, he had no heartbeat…but he was beautiful.

Today he would be 10.

I hope and pray he is up there in his heaven….with his Daddy…I hope they are maybe fishing, or riding bikes, or just sitting and eating cake.

And to you, Nathan, I send this song:

And to my three children on this earth…The Teen, Lil Lady, and Little Man….

Ten Years Ago….seems like a lifetime, yet….I can feel it as if it was yesterday.

It’s okay to look back once in a while. It’s okay. Because wherever we have been…is why we are where we are today.

Hug your children, your family, your friends….

…you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Happy Birthday, Nathan!! I love you!!

Love,

Mommy

Wh-Whaaat??

2011-04-04T13:58:00.001-07:00

I am seriously concerned that I haven’t blogged for so long. All since starting my new job. Now….so much happens every single ~~horrendous~~ day that I have no idea what to blog about because I really don’t want to ramble or anything like that, and I wouldn’t want to bore you, and well, yeah….I can be long-winded…Oh, puh-leeease, yes, I can…..

Anyrambling…here goes it….

Do I blog about how my house is infested with germs? You know the kind…the ones that make toddlers’ noses drain constantly with snot, or the ones that make Little Man have explosive diarrhea….or the ones that made me lay in bed last Friday evening moaning and groaning and chanting the mantra “I will not puke I will not puke I will not puke”. Yeah, THOSE germs. I have just about had it with illness. Seems that every other week one of us has some sort of bug…and that does not include the bug that seems to be up the spouse’s ass….

OOOOOHHHHHH For PETE’S SAKE!! I’m kidding you!! I would be the one with the bug up MY ass!! You got it….I’m sick. Sick and tired of shit in my house. Every where I look there is shit. Stacks and stacks upon stacks of SHIT! Should I blog about that? Nahhh….who gives a flying shit?? Apparently nobody that lives here.

~~~~~~

Shall I blog about my last on-call weekend? The one where the new nursing supervisor called me, the “Nurse Manganger…~~cough cough~~..On-Call”, telling me he needs help hanging the TPN for the one patient.

(For those of you non-medical people…TPN stands for Total Parental Nutrition. It’s someone’s FOOD! Their SUSTANANCE for Pete’s sake…..)

Ok….at first, no big deal other than he JUST took the bag of TPN out of the fridge at 11pm (when he decided to call for assistance), and it should have been out of the fridge warming up at 8pm cuz you don’t infuse COLD fluids eh-vahhh….go figure, 3 hours late already.

I politely (because that’s me, PO-lite) ask his possibly foreign self if I could talk him through mixing the TPN over the phone and then hanging it. You see, you have to mix other things into the primary mixture….like vitamins and sometimes insulin. He said, “um….no, Ma’am……….” Wha-WHAAAT??? Hold it right THERE, Fucker! Did you just call me “MA’AM”???? K…this is already not going well.

Regardless, I ignore the fucking “ma’am” comment (because I am more mature than that) and let him continue…He says, “No, Ma’am, I tink you need to come een an show me. It will be en educatin for me.”

WHA-WHAAAT??

Oh, Mr. In Need of an Education…..YOU should be fully educated at this point since YOU have had plenty of orientation, and YOU already have your nursing license, do you not???

Seriously? My first thought was ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

I tell him I will call him back shortly since we have to wait for the TPN to warm up any ways, ~~you fucking jerk!~~

I tell my husband what this guy just said….His response??

???????

Me….nope…no kidding here, honey bun.

I call MY supervisor to ~~ask what the fuck kind of nurses she is hiring~~ ask for direction. Her response?

?????

Me…Chuckling a bit now.

I text my sister who now works with me at my wonderful place of employment because ~~I am training her for a marathon~~ I sort of coerced her a bit….

Her response via text?

I kid you not! I was rolling on the god-damn floor at this point! I’ve never heard “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??” so many times in just a few short minutes!!

HIGH-larious!!!

I text my other supervisor because she always has some sort of plan up her sleeve, cuz she rocks like that. Her response??

You got it!!

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???”

Ahhhhhhhahahahahahaha! At this point I start looking for the hidden camera because I am damn certain I am on Candid Camera because there is NO fucking WAY this is happening to me at ELEVEN PM on a SATURDAY night when all good girls and boys should be in bed!!!

All in all, it ended well. I didn’t need to go educate the fucker because we had an LPN at the facility that really needs to be an RN, and she was able to talk him through it.

~~~~~~~~~

I could also blog about some of the call-offs I received that weekend. Some of the reasons people call off are truly amazing. For one thing, if it’s something really personal….are you gonna come right out and say WHAT it is?? This is what I mean…

“I’m calling off because I am mentally not stable to work. I have a lot of things going on. I was raped and robbed this weekend and I’m working through it.”

Wha-Whaat???

Me: Oh…ummm…Ok, honey…you take care of yourself…..

“I won’t be in to work today because my chest hurts. Well, not my chest…it’s not chest pain or anything like that. It’s….well….ok, it’s my titty. Yes, I have pain in my titty.”

Me: Holy fucking hell….that sounds serious. Did you say, TITTY??

Honestly…if I had pain in MY titty…I would NOT report it as my reason to call off…I think I might say I am ill. That. Is. All.

After several call-offs, my response resembled THIS….

La-La-La!! I can’t HEAR YOU!!

We now have a new slogan at my work-place. On that following Monday, our “management team” put our heads together and this is what we came up with…..we even made buttons promoting it….

What do YOU think?

Seriously…I love my job, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Happy MONDAY!!

Certifiably Insane

2011-03-05T19:13:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately, after writing such a sweet, heart-felt post about squeezing the fucking oranges, I have to follow it up with a post about losing my freakin’ mind. How sad is THAT??

You see….it’s been raining….and raining A LOT…

I honestly prefer the snow…

Oh Jayzus Criminey!! I said SNOW, not G-d Damn SNOW WHITE!!!

There…much better, and much prettier than the nasty RAIN!

Regardless…snow brings snowmen, and rain brings fucking MUD!! And MUD is in my yard where the damn dog goes out to take a shit. And when the dog goes out to take a shit, her ADD takes over and she decides to dig a damn hole to China.

There is a big difference between digging in the snow and digging in the mud….one is CLEAN and one is DIRTY. Bottom line.

Clean digging:

Dirty digging:

You see the difference?? Neither one of these dogs is mine…I did not get a pic of mine ~~because I was too busy beating the living shit out of her~~ because she was put in the shower by the teen faster than I can say WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?????

The doggie door I so much adore because I don’t have to let the dog out OR let the dog in?? Yeah, that door is gonna be nailed shut after today. You see…the dog went out….I didn’t even know, or if I DID know subconsciously, I didn’t really care.

BUT….

….and this is a BIG BUT (….or a FAT ASS) …….

BUT…When she came back in she FLEW in the door and tracked mud from the doorway through the kitchen and then through the living room (need I mention this room would be carpeted??)…then as I chased her muddy ass she ran AROUND the reclining chair….and back through the kitchen. I trapped her by locking the gates on either side of the kitchen.

Unfortunately, poor thing was petrified of what I was going to do to her, so she tried like hell to climb her fatness over the gate and in the process she got mud alllll over the gate and alllll over the fucking wall. Not to mention my slippers…which, for your information, one is now M.I.A.

See??

Oh-kayyyyy….so the pics are NOT clear, but I was way too ticked off to even hold my Blackberry still enough to take a picture! Seriously!

So, basically, I turned into a demon….

I should apologize….I know I scared the little ones who were just sitting there with their mouths hanging open….in fact, I tried to pick up Little Man who then reacted like this….

And if my dog were a Husky…she would have resembled this…

Really, people…it was bad. Bad…Bad….BAD!

So, I bowed my head in shame…..apologized to the children and the ~~dumb ass~~ dog…..~~washed down a couple of Xanax with Vodka~~, and brought out the big guns….

Oh, how I wish.

Regardless, I got the job done and am now a proud member of the National Rug Cleaning Society.

Certified??

Yeah, right….

Most likely CERTIFIABLE!!!

Squeeze Those Oranges!

2011-02-20T13:45:00.001-08:00

I KNOWWW I haven’t blogged in a while. I apologize profusely from the bottom of my heart.

Yeah, right.

Seriously. I haven’t had a moment to myself since starting my new job. That’s right, when I quit my old job that I loved, I not only gave up a job that I loved, I gave up any free time I was able to squeeze in between my home care patients. Now….I get to work about 8 am, leave at 5 pm, pick up the little ones from the sitter which takes about a half an hour….and that does not include the drive which is only 15 min. each way…..it takes a half an hour just to get them out of the sitter’s house. They dilly-dally getting their boots on, their coats on…then they need a sucker for the ride home, then Little Man forgets his Nintendo DS…then Lil Lady needs to give the sitter just one more hug….

Fuck THAT!! Damn! I’m in a hurry you freakin’ short people!!!

Always in a hurry.

My evenings are then spent trying to pick up the house…not Pick Up the HOUSE…but pick up the toys that have TAKEN OVER the house. Then I help with homework. Then I log on to work email to see who fell…because I MUST know this before going to work the next day. I just MUST. If there are no falls then I continue with the cleaning, maybe do dishes if I had time to cook, if not, I gather up the paper plates and finger foods that me or my spouse divvied up for the ~~monsters~~ children….

Rush Rush Rush.

About a week or so ago…yes, it’s taken me this long to write about this, but about a week or so ago, a former patient of mine called to say she’s been saving her oranges for my Lil Lady. You see, Lil Lady absolutely LOVES the taste of freshly squeezed orange juice! I never ever buy oranges because when I do, they go to waste. Go figure. But for some reason, my former patient’s oranges are perfect for squeezing….

See? She can’t wait to get her hands on them!

I really didn’t have time to go get the oranges, but I made the time. This lady went through the trouble of saving these oranges, and I needed to show her that it was ~~a pain in the ass to go get them~~ extremely appreciated.

Remember the days when you were a kid and it didn’t matter what time it was? It didn’t matter who was waiting on you to get your ass moving…it was All. About. You. Right?

I miss those days.

Watching my teenager go through it is quite frustrating though. She takes her time getting ready for school…leaves herself 15 minutes to get ready and even though her ride shows up, she makes them wait. And this seems ok to her. WTF? Seriously??

But I can NOT get her to understand that she needs to move her skinny ass just a bit faster, especially when someone is waiting on her!!

Then you have the little ones. Little Man just goes with the flow for the most part, but Lil Lady…yeah, she has to ENJOY everything. Especially the little things….

So, this got me to thinking.

That’s right….I need to fucking slow down!! I need to try to enjoy the “little things”. Like these….

Flowers from my spouse, delivered to my work place, on Valentine’s Day.

Sweet!!

I barely had time to enjoy them. (Part of this was because they died really fast which pissed of the spouse who then called to complain because he said he felt like a complete ass….ohhh, the joys of being a proud man….)

Anydeadflower…..I was ok with this. It was the thought that counted in my eyes.

But I got to thinking….they say…”take time to smell the roses”, right? Well, mine died, quickly.

So…what next??

Take time to squeeze the damn oranges, THAT’S WHAT!!

And take time to RELAX!!

Because no matter how crazy each day is, and how many things happen to put you behind….you are where you are at any given moment because THAT is where you are supposed to be.

As I drove to work the one morning last week, in a rush of course….I saw THIS….

A Winter Rainbow.

Awesome!!

And I KNEW I was where I was supposed to be…even though I was running late because of the two short people and the teen. All was ok because this, to me, was a sign. If I was on time (fat chance)…I would have missed the rainbow, right?

I KNOW things get crazy around here, and I KNOW it’s the choices I’ve made that have made my life quite hectic….but I also KNOW….one day….I will miss all of this chaos. I will miss the late nights, the early mornings, the rushing around….I KNOW I WILL…

…..and so will you. So….enjoy what you have now…..because….

….You’re gonna miss this….

Live each day as if it were your last.

Take the time to smell the roses. (Sometimes they don’t last a week as guaranteed!)

Slow down and enjoy the rainbows…

…Most of all, take the time to taste and squeeze all the fresh oranges you can!!

Happy Sunday!!

I Confess

2011-02-04T18:53:00.001-08:00

Link on up with Glamazon and Mamarazzi for Friday Confessional…seriously…you must….

I confess that I’m feeling like I’ve been driving a piece of shit junk vehicle for a while now. The odd thing is, it’s a 2006 Chevy Equinox. THAT should not be in the same category as “shit junk”, should it?

I confess that after the kazillionth time I was told my headlight was out, or that one of my brake lights were out, I laughed in the poor guys face. Bwaaaahhhahahahahahahaha! Fuck YOU, Mr. Officer!! Seriously…I’m tired of THIS light or THAT light being burned out! What the hell??

I confess that when I was having to open my car door about 7 or so inches in order for my window to go down…yeah, I was pissed at first, but then I got used to it. And so did every drive-through window attendee I frequently visited each day.

I confess that if there weren’t any drive thru windows, I wouldn’t get SHIT done, ever!

And I wouldn’t smoke.

And I wouldn’t be addicted to White Chocolate Mochas from Caribou Coffee.

I confess that last week when I actually got OUT of my car and WALKED into Caribou for my mocha, the first thing I heard was, “Terry!!…..” (Yes, they know me by name…) Randi (Yes, I know HER by name..) said, “Terry!! You have legs!!”

You see…I’m a lazy-ass, I confess. Ok, maybe it’s not being lazy, but it’s knowing how to get shit done quicker than evah. You see, I can leave the house, get a mocha at the drive thru, drive on down the road for my smokes thru the gas station drive thru, and then…oh yeah….go on over to Walgreens to the pharmacy drive thru and pick up my sanity pills!! Awesome! If I had to go into each of these places, that would take me twice as long!! (AND I would need MORE medication!)

So…when the spouse took my vehicle up to the store the other day and then came in and said, “Do you know that nothing works on that side of your car?” Nothing as in not just the window, but the speaker and the mirror….

I shrugged it off. After all, I’d been telling him about my window for over a week now.

I confess that the next day when I got in my vehicle and drove to Caribou only to find out that my window wouldn’t even go down when I opened the door the required 7 or so inches….I fucking freaked!! What the fuck, Spouse??? YOU get in my vehicle ONE time and now the window won’t go down AT ALL?? Seriously??

AND to top it off, I had an hour or so ride to my work place where I am in training to be the best Restorative Nurse in the whole wide world….

Fuck!!

Couldn’t smoke because MY window didn’t go down. I tried to smoke with the passenger side down and that just didn’t go well. I confess I tried to blow the smoke out that way, and I tried to flick the ashes in the top of a water bottle….That was just was too confusing to me, and driving on a freeway that I normally don’t drive on…well….yeah, that sucked big time.

I confess, this week has been a nightmare…

McDonald’s for the kiddos….

Smoke break…

White Mocha Time!!

Gas Station Drive Thru….

ATM…needed cash!!

I confess…it sort of started pissing me off…big time….so I tried to PULL down the window from the inside….

No success….

And again from the outside…

Fucking window….

I confess…I really REALLY am not liking my Equinox….shhhhh….don’t tell her or God knows what kinda shit she’ll pull next!!

I confess…

With each drive-thru place I went to, I made SURE they knew my spouse FIXED my window….

…and THAT was why I had to open my door.

Sorry, Mr. Sake!!

I confess, despite my Spouse’s ~~ability to make my week a living hell~~ “quirks”, I still love him!

Mwah!!!

PINT…Sick AGAIN

2011-02-01T18:39:00.001-08:00

Post it Note Tuesday with That One Mom over at Only Parent Chronicles….

It’s a DATE!!

Smart Dog?

2011-01-26T05:32:00.001-08:00

For the life of me I cannot comprehend why more people don’t participate in What The Hell Wednesday with the girls over at the Blue Monkey Butt. Seriously….what the hell?? It’s fun. It’s simple. And for Pete’s Sake you know you say “WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!??” at least 3 times a day, so link up! Enjoy!

So…something weird has been going on.

My dog….the sweet 7 month old Golden Retriever….believes something is in our wall….the wall in the hallway. She can’t walk past this wall without stopping and listening.

What the hell? Pretty freakin scary if you ask me.

I’ve listened to the wall. I’ve listened again. Not sure if I hear anything or not. Well, the one time I was listening I got the shit scared out of me because my daughter went on the other side and did a little “knock-knock”…thinking she was being funny. What the hell, kid?? Are you out of your fucking mind? I’m no spring chicken here and besides, I’m the one that feeds your skinny ass!!

The thing that concerns me is that if it is a mouse….no big deal….it wouldn’t be staying in one place in the wall, correct? It would move around. But Cali always goes to the same spot…and stares….and digs….and goes absolutely bonkers.

So…is it BIGGER than a mouse? BIGGER than a breadbox?? BIG enough that it’s fat ass got STUCK in my WALL??? Shit…

Or…God Forbid…

What The Hell???

(I’ve never seen a cow that fat….)

So, needless to say, I’m a little concerned, as I should be…..

If it turns out that Cali is right, and something IS living in my wall…

Enough said.

The Bug-Guy….well, in this case, the Fat-Ass Rodent Guy, will be here Friday. I’ll keep you posted!!

Seriously?? ONE Pound??

2011-01-22T18:27:00.001-08:00

I am so on a roll. I tell you…I totally ROCK!

Not.

I started a diet that I’ve stuck to for 2 weeks….Yes!! 2 WHOLE WEEKS!! Until this evening….

I get up in the mornings. I have my coffee. I’ve been certain to eat a breakfast of some sort even including a half cup of skim milk. Why skim milk? Because THEY said it’s important. Then I follow that with either veggie sausage and an egg (cooked in Pam…not butter) or cottage cheese with fruit (one of those Cottage Doubles). I also have a fruit cup (not in syrup…maybe in light syrup but mostly sugar free.) I can’t even believe I’ve done this for 2 WHOLE weeks!!

For lunch the first week I basically fucked up. Yep…I brought celery and peanut butter every day thinking that the peanut butter would be my protein source. Why protein? Because THEY say protein is important.

Then I realized that I was taking way too much peanut butter but by the time I realized this I was already addicted, so I needed to go cold turkey. Skip the peanut butter and add Laughing Cow Blue Cheese flavor to have with my celery. I also bring 2-3 rice cakes, a granola bar and a fruit cup. Nice, huh?? I should be shedding those pounds daily, don’t you think??

Yes, I haven’t been able to give up my White Chocolate Mochas, but, mind you, I have them made with skim milk and NO WHIP so that should count for some sort of will-power, right?? (And possibly my “milk” consumption for the day)

For dinner I’ve been having cauliflower and tomatoes sauteed with garlic and olive oil….or I have mushrooms stuffed with different flavors of Laughing Cow Cheese…awesome!! You should try them! If you are doing the Weight Watchers points, these little delights are barely nuthin!! A few times I had some baked chicken…

I’ve had popcorn for a snack. I’ve been drinking water and tons of it because at my new place of employment there seems to be an issue of very dry air, and along with my lips being so dry they are cracking and my nose being so dry it’s bleeding, I walk around feeling quite dehydrated, so I DRINK TONS OF WATER at work. I’m wondering where it all goes since I really don’t get a chance to pee….

(Oh come on…that’s not ME….look at her waist!!)

I slipped up one evening and had McDonald’s with the family, but I didn’t eat the whole snack wrap and fries, just half.

I also exercised for 30 minutes…once…but I’m just getting started.

I’m thinking of trying a new exercise routine next week…might be worth it….ya never know…another weight loss goal could be attained!!

So, tell me….and tell it to my face….why the FUCK have I only lost one damn pound??? Is there some conspiracy against me? What have I done to deserve this?

I kid you not, I AM TRYING!!

Now I am so fucking frustrated that today I decided I am on a “break”. A poptart for breakfast, skipped lunch because I had a Mocha….then I just ate 5 Cajun chicken wings and 1 slice of spinac-artichoke pizza for dinner followed by a little tasty treat called a “s’more” made by this new little pizza joint near my house….

Yep…I ate all that junk, and now I’m pissed.

Do you ever do this? Try try try only to get discouraged and go off the diet thinking you will start fresh on Monday??

Why?

Why do we do this to ourselves??

Call it human nature, call it lack of will power…or call it fucking PMS for all I care!! It sucks!

Anyone got any suggestions on how to kick start this weight loss already????

I’m Still Here!

2011-01-17T17:28:00.001-08:00

Wow…how long has it been, my friends?? Seems like forever since I blogged, but if you recall, I started my new job. You know the one….I mentioned it HERE …. and I talked about leaving my old job HERE.

So, when I interviewed for the new job, I had an IDEA of what I would be doing. You know the drill for a Restorative Nurse….track the incontinence (this means keep tabs on the peeing people), track the incidents (this means making sure NO-ONE and I mean NO. ONE. falls on the floor!), and also writing programs for those residents that have graduated from physical therapy.

Sounds easy enough, yes??

Ummm…

…NO.

I am busy as hell! I get in there and I work from the moment my feet step over the thresh-hold of the 300 Unit until my over-worked feet step over that very same thresh-hold when my brain can no long comprehend even where my office is.

Seriously. From this:

To this:

I’ve had days of training. I’ve been to meeting upon meeting upon meeting! I’ve been signed up for a seminar, I’ve been invited to a conference on “Falls”….

My head is spinning with all the new information I’ve been handed.

I want to get it right. When those surveyors come in and request “information” from ME, I don’t want to look stupid. I want to have the answers. The one guy from corporate that came to train me some said that when the surveyors come in and ask “Who keeps track of the falls?”….

You got it….in your face, baby! Well, in MY face, that is….

You see, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be ultimately responsible for the outcome of these “incidents”.

It’s a little scary…but I can do this.

I. GOT. THIS.

On the other hand….my previous employer….not so much. You see, when I was told they had my homecare patients “covered” so why not make that day my last?? Yep….they were “covered” by my supervisor/the OWNER….Oh Yeah….Do you think she still has it “covered”????

So, as much as I truly miss my little lovelies (homecare patients), I absolutely positively without a doubt am loving my new job!

I love the challenge, that is for sure!

How about you? Do you love YOUR job??

Me?? Trendy??

2011-01-09T17:16:00.001-08:00

"Thank you everybody. Thank you Tom, and Bob and Dolores, who are home reading my blog… I hope, and thank you so much to everyone who voted for me.

There really is nothing more important to me than striving to be a good human being. So, to be here tonight, blogging, and be acknowledged as one to receive this honor is beyond expression in words for me. 'I am a human being, nothing human is alien to me.' Terence said that in 154 B.C. and when I first read it many years ago, I had no idea of the depth of that meaning. “

Wait, wait……..

CUT!!!!!

Holy Shit!! For a second there I was feeling like Oprah Winfrey as she accepted the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award….

Seriously…I have been AWARDED!!!

By whom???

By Rebecca over at Unexplained X 2, that’s WHOM!!

I am honored, because as once again I see that I have lost a fucking follower….and I’m not sure why…..possibly it’s my fucking potty mouth, but I doubt that….I am wondering why on earth people take the time to un-follow, unless of course the one they un-follow does them some injustice…but damn….did I do that??? We are all adults here, right?

So…why un-follow my blog??

Ok…so maybe the day you came and followed me I was having a really really good blogging day and maybe you even peed your pants a little as your read about my chaos I call “my life”….and then when you came back I was having a really really lousy blogging day and you didn’t even get one little giggle stuck in your fucking throat as you read….but damn….to un-follow me? Ruthless….

….just plain ruthless.

(I can see the numbers dropping now…..)

Anyruthlessness, I got an award!!

Ok…so IRL I am so not “trendy”, but apparently here in the bloggy world, at least ONE person thinks my blog IS.

Thank you, Rebecca!! You rock!!

Even though my un-followers have made me feel like I am part of the un-cool crowd….

…you, Rebecca, have made my day!!

Now, I am supposed to hand this award over to 10 other bloggers that I feel fit the bill.

I am a little nervous about doing this. You see, I have read how so many of you do not like to do the dirty work that follows receiving an award. And I truly don’t want to step on any toes. So…

….I’m thinking I will say right here and now that you are ALL trendy in my book. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

(Well, except for those un-followers. They are SO not Trendy.)

They should be careful who they unfollow….

……just sayin.

I hope you all had an awesome weekend!!!

Confess and Move On

2011-01-07T17:43:00.001-08:00

I haven’t confessed for quite a while, so I’m pretty sure it’s time. If you are way over-due for a confession, like I am, have no fear, you will not get struck down by the lighting of God, because we have Glamazon!! and Mamarazzi!!

That’s right! Go ahead, link up and confess. Then you can walk into that church on Sunday and feel proud that you’ve done your duty.

I confess….

Being off for three days while I took the kids to the sitter’s anyways was really nice. I don’t know why I didn’t keep them home other than because ~~I give up on obtaining Mother of the Year recognition~~ I have to pay the sitter whether they are there or not….
It blows my mind that the sitter gets paid for not working…is this normal babysitting protocol??
I am nervous as hell about starting my new job on Monday.
I’ve done home-care for as long as I can remember (13 years) and I’m concerned that I might get a little psychotic while having to stay in ONE building for 8 fucking hours.
It’s killing me right this very moment to NOT video-tape Mr. Sake as he dances to “Just Dance KIDS” for the Wii. Oh yeah…it would be awesome!
And by “Just Dance KIDS” I am talking “The Wheels on the Bus” and the “Chicken Dance”…”Bingo”…..yep….dance away, my Dear!!
I just broke the news to the spouse that this week’s grocery shopping will be the beginning of “OUR” diet.
He said, “WHAT diet??”
I don’t like to suffer alone.
Misery loves company, for Pete’s Sake!!
Seriously…three bagels and broccoli-cheese-potato chowder for a lunch is NOT a good idea….
Yes, I said THREE bagels.
Yes, that’s what the spouse brought for his lunch the other day.
I am sick…my sinuses are stuffed and painful, my head hurts…I can’t taste anything…Dagnabbit!! I have a new job to start on Monday…I can NOT be sick!
……………… – …………………………….
…………………….
………………………….. Mrs. Sake will be right back, she’s video recording…………
………………………………..
……………………(and WTF does she mean by “OUR diet”???)

I confess….

Silly me, I forgot what can happen when I walk away from the computer with my blog window still up….
Some things are just not right…
Like this……

And some other things are just plain freaky….

I confess that when the kids aren’t home, or even if they are in another room, I often get out a few black trash bags and clean house….and certain “things” end up in my bags.
I have no idea where that Barbie went.
She was there one minute…..

Then….POOF!! All. Gone.

This week I had an orientation day for my new job at the “corporate office”. That meant an hours drive…on the freeway. I confess that I HATE the muther-trucking freeway and all the asshats the drive it!
I do not like being forced to drive over 65 mph….they can all kiss my ass.
Seriously, I saw alot of THIS while driving the freeway….

Is there any reason to be so rude?

Ok…ok….I confess….I was the one doing the flippin off.

Don’t judge me. I am only human.

Happy Friday!!

It’s a New Year

2011-01-05T11:03:00.001-08:00

I finally did it. That’s right, I took the initiative to make my situation better. You see, for the last year I have been working full-time hours for part time pay. This, my friends, basically SUCKS!!

Some may THINK that seniority with a company is good thing, but I know better. Because I was the employee that had the most years in with this company, of course I was getting paid higher. As with most companies that are trying to ~~fuck over their employees~~ save their company from failing, my employer did what they had to do. They took patients from me and gave them to a new hire that was most likely getting paid less to do the same job. BUT….could she do it as well as I could?? Maybe….maybe not.

Granted, the company I was working for was a small company…run by husband, the accountant, and wife, the Nursing Supervisor…

But seriously….what good is seniority?? What good is loyalty?? I gave my patients 110% each and every day. I’ve been seeing the same ones it seems like forever….they are like family to me.

But I did what I had to do….I found another job. One that will make up for the income I’ve lost. One with benefits. One that still allows me to work with the elderly population which is my forte.

I quit the homecare. I can NOT believe I did it. I really didn’t want to do it. I love that job. I love the people. I love the flexibility. My supervisor?? Not so much.

When I resigned, I explained to my supervisor (she is also the owner of the company) that this all started with her taking away my patients. She didn’t seem to comprehend. I told her I’ve been sinking because of the lower income. She just looked at me….

I told her when they took my monthly benefits check of $400 from me right before Christmas…that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

She said she couldn’t believe I was leaving. She even recalled that I have been there for THIRTEEN years…even longer….”Oh my gosh….” is what she said. “I can’t believe this….” came next….

Then…

Really?? You really can’t believe I’m leaving after you sunk my ass into bankruptcy? Wow…amazing.

She insisted I give a 4 week notice which made me have to tell my new employer that I would have to wait to start. That seemed to be ok with them. I managed to get my vacation time out of my employer which was good. I worked 2 weeks of my 4-week notice.

Those 2 weeks were heart-breaking. I cried. My patients cried. I cried some more. I tell you again, they are FAMILY to me.

I explained to my patients that I had a weeks vacation coming up and then the week after that would be my last week. I prepared them the best I could. I told them I’d be back…ONE MORE TIME. They would relax after hearing that. They felt better knowing they had one more visit with me. It didn’t make them happy, but they were consoled for the time being.

THEN….

Oh just hear this….

My supervisor calls me the Thursday of the week before my vacation week. Remember, this would be the end of week 2 of my notice. Week three was vacation, and week 4 was to be my last week visiting my patients. My supervisor tells me, as if it’s no big deal, that the Friday of my SECOND WEEK could be my last day.

What the HOLY FUCK?? Seriously?? I just told all my patients that I had one more visit with them! And the ones that I still had to see the following day didn’t even know yet that I was resigning!!

I was furious. She said it was because she had them all covered for my vacation week, so why not leave it at that instead of giving them back to me for one more week…..??? Unfuckingbelieveable!!

I cried.

I called all my patients and explained.

They cried.

We cried together.

So very very sad.

That Friday I took all my stuff in to the office. I handed it to my supervisor. I just looked at her. She told me if she had enough new cases to give me that would give me all of them. She said she hated that I was leaving.

She. Gave. Me. A. Gift!!!

????

I don’t get it. I told her it was BECAUSE of HER taking my patients in the first place that this all started the downhill slide to my resignation.

She still DID NOT GET IT!

GET A FUCKING CLUE!!!

I somehow think she is playing a game. She can’t be THAT dense, can she? Seriously….she runs a fucking business!! Too bad she has forgotten how it is to be the nurse out there taking care of the elderly. Too bad she had lost her compassion.

Too bad the almighty dollar has made her into such an uncaring individual. (Yes, I’m trying to be nice…and professional….but FUCK!! it’s hard!) I feel sorry for her. She is definitely NOT the person that hired me 13 or so years ago. She definitely has lost her “spirit”.

So, this week I’ve been fielding calls from my former patients that are not happy with their new nurses (one being my supervisor!), and doctor’s offices that state they are getting no response at the office when they call….asking who is taking over….asking who will draw the blood….asking why on earth did you quit????

Ahh….such is life. Too bad Too bad Too bad!!

Next week I start my new job.

Am I nervous? Hell yeah!! I’ve been doing the same thing for 13 years….driving from house to house, shopping whenever I feel like it….

Oh man….I’m a nervous fucking wreck.

I wonder if I can get an order for Xanax or something….since I’ve already passed my pre-employment drug screen…..Hmmmm……

Actually….I CAN do this. Yes. I. Can.

Just watch me!!

I will be the Little Engine That Could….

Happy Wednesday!!

If you’d like to Pour Your Heart Out about something, go link up with Shell over at Things I Can’t Say. Give her some love over there! She deserves it!

Hey Mojo…Come Back!

2010-12-28T18:42:00.001-08:00

Seriously…I ain’t go no mojo….

Christmas totally wiped me out. Yes, I was a part of THIS….go ahead, check it out if you dare.

So…PINT it IS!! Gotta get back in the swing of things some time, right?

Link on up!

Yes, my Little Man was hospitalized over Christmas. WTF?? Been a Mom for over 13 years and this was my first experience with a child in the hospital. He was admitted with pneumonia induced asthma…or asthma induced pneumonia…take your pick. My poor baby!! He was discharged on Christmas and is doing much MUCH better now. Except…Steroids are a mother-fucker!! Can’t keep the Little Man still…

Here’s some news for ya….

I’m pretty sure if the new job doesn’t work out, I can get some work with these fine fellas…..

Happy Tuesday!!

SAHM for a Day

2010-12-15T13:38:00.001-08:00

Okay…I am home with the ~~snot mongers~~ little ones today because Lil Lady has a case of the “snots”. I felt it was wrong to send her to the sitter’s with snot dripping down her face and her upper lip and right side of her face all chapped from her wiping her snot on her sleeve. I keep telling her…”Dab, Lil…just DAB!” Geesh!

I know…she doesn’t LOOK sick and I’m sure the sitter would have Lysolled her or something to prevent the spreading of germs, but I just wasn’t sure.

I haven’t been home alone with the kids for so long that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. Usually both the spouse and I are home together, or I’m ~~hiding out behind Caribou~~ working my butt off while he’s home playing with the kids. When we are both home I have it all handled. I make sure they eat….I make sure they aren’t breaking anything…and I make sure the spouse is aware when I say, “I think Manny stinks.” I even follow through with “Did you change the stinky one?” if I still smell it less than 3 minutes later. (Follow-through is the most important aspect of the Mom’s job….)

I let Little Man sleep in as long as he wanted today. His first words when he got up and saw me were, “Mommie!!! Are we home??” This means, “We don’t have to go to Bobbie’s today?” Yes….Man, we are home. So sweet to see how happy he was to be home with me.

Then….

Then he became the demon from god knows where. It started off with him standing on the puppy. Yes, STANDING on the puppy. Ok, so Cali is a BIG puppy, but still….”Don’t fucking stand on my puppy!!”

Cali at 6 months

Then Lil Lady tried to sweet talk him into giving her his Nintendo DS by giving him MY iPod. Oh Helllllll Noooooo, little girl!!!!

Little Man has this new ~~seriously annoying~~ little quirk about him….he sticks his tongue out and talks….I call it “baby talk”. Yes, he is 2 1/2…to some people that IS still a baby, but when he’s been talking NOT like a baby for a while, to then START talking like a baby…well, it’s pretty much irritating as all fuck! The spouse clucked him under the chin the other day causing him to bite his tongue just a smidgen….Nope, that didn’t cure him yet…dagnabbit!

This too shall pass…..

Right??

I must admit, these 2 really do have quite the imaginations. This….

….is a “Rocket Ship”.

These….

….are “captured aliens”.

Today I have learned who the characters on Little Bear are. I could have sworn the girl was “Elizabeth”….I was wrong. Her name is Emily…and the doll is Lucy….Can I just add that Little Bear is the most annoying cartoon on this planet?? Seriously…can we speed it up a bit? I could tell that whole story in like 2 minutes and not drag it out for a gawd-damn half hour! I absolutely recommend Little Bear if you are having difficulty sleeping. I bet it works better than Restoril.

Lil Lady was educating me on ALL the cartoons. She is amazing! Sometimes I wonder how she knows all that she does. She even recalls that Rosebud from “Airbuddies” is from Fernfield and that we need to go there so we can bring Rosebud home to be Cali’s friend. She must take after me, that’s all I can say. And Little Man…..?? He takes after the Sicilian side of the family….

Another thing I learned today is that the snow is really pretty when you are INSIDE looking out……

…..instead of driving in it like I have been the past week or so!!

So, being a SAHM for a day wasn’t so bad, but I can tell you this….if I had to do it everyday…..

On second thought, here in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Sake, we sort of have our own rules when it comes to disorders of the mental kind….

Happy Wednesday!

Back to work tomorrow for me….I hope!

Dear Santa

2010-12-12T16:38:00.001-08:00

My kids refused to sit on Santa’s lap….for the life of me I don’t understand where I’ve gone wrong with this. My oldest who is 13 didn’t sit on his lap until she was 7, and my two younger ones are probably headed in the same direction….I just don’t get it…is Santa scary??

I also can’t make them sit still long enough to compose their own letters to Santa, so I’ve decided ~~the hell with them~~ I will write my own letter.

Dear Santa,

I have been good, and by “good” I mean I have done what is expected of me. I have provided food for the family even though they choose to snack on pepperoni, chips, string cheese, and Wheat Thins. I have clothed them daily; sometimes twice in one day if one of them decides they are too busy to go potty. I have done homework with the Teen only to have her “forget” to hand it in.

I have attended meetings at the school, driven the Teen to where ever she is asking to go, and allowed her to have sleep-overs when I would rather have some peace and quiet. I have attended school band concerts even though the Teen was told to “pretend” to play the saxophone since she doesn’t have one to practice on and can’t get out any notes no matter how hard she tries….

I have broken up fights between the toddlers…I have pulled Little Man’s hair when he’s pulled his sisters…Ok…maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do, but, Dear Santa…I was at my wits end. Can’t you forgive this one??

I have cleaned up dog shit…and more dog shit…and MORE dog shit even though I wasn’t the only one that wanted a puppy.

I pick up all the toys several times a day. I clean up the Teen’s room mostly because when I go in there to wake her up in the morning, the fluster-cluck gives me an anxiety attack. I clean up the hairs that the spouse leaves behind after trimming his goatee…I try not to complain about this one because he keeps threatening to shave it off, and seriously….I don’t know if I will like him if he does this.

(Yes…he is aware of this risk.)

I have worked the measly hours that my supposed FULL-TIME job gives me. I have pinched pennies because my FULL-TIME job sucks hairy monkey balls….

I have stopped getting my nails done because my FULL-TIME job gives me PART-TIME hours…..

So, this is what I would like for Christmas….if you could….Dearest Santa…

An automatic pooper-picker-upper.
A doll that can take notice of when the hair pulling starts and it can say…”STOP!!”
A set of feet that aren’t dry and scaly.
Hair that does what it’s supposed to do each morning.
An endless supply of Caribou Coffee’s White Chocolate Mochas…no whip, of course.
I would like to stop sweating when everyone else is freezing.
Hands that aren’t numb each morning, and possibly a cure other than surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome.
Jeans that don’t cut off my circulation at the waist when I sit down.
Warm fuzzy socks because my feet are the only part of me that don’t sweat…they freeze.
Better circulation to my feet. (This might go with the requested jeans)
A four-year old that doesn’t scream like her left arm is being cut off just because she is crabby and her little brother is looking at her.
A two-year old that knows when NOT to look at his crabby-ass 4-year old sister.
A Teen that knows the boundaries between parent and child. (ok…this IS asking for a bit much…I apologize for my greediness)
A FULL-TIME job that gives me FULL-TIME hours as well as FULL-TIME pay.

I would love a bit of patience so that as they are pretending to be “kitties” and meowing me to death, I can smile and accept that I gave birth to “kitties” instead of Einstein’s or Stephen Hawking’s…..

If by chance you cannot grant any of these wishes, I would gladly forfeit them for just a bit of Christmas Magic so that I can show my kids what Christmas is really all about.

Sincerely,

The Mom

Leftovers Anyone?

2010-12-10T14:58:00.001-08:00

So, I found a new MeMe….Friday Night Leftovers! How cool is that? I figured I would play along since all you have to do is link up and share the random thoughts swimming in your head…and yes, we all know I have tons of those, yes??

Link on up if you’d like…over at Sippy Cups!

My Random Thoughts from This Morning….and just about every morning for that matter…..

Can someone please tell me how the furkle I am supposed to get a crazy-ass puppy in her cage and TWO little monsters out the door in a timely manner each morning so I can start my work day??

Seriously….I leave the Little Man in his crib for as long as I can because I dread hearing, “I don’t wanna go to Bobbie’s. Are we home??” Yes, these are his exact words. Bobbie is the babysitter and I don’t think there is anything wrong with her…it’s just not where Little Man wants to be.

Lil Lady gets her own boots on while I ~~have one more smoke in the bathroom~~ take a moment to collect my wits before I get the Little Man up.

I get Lil Lady’s coat on. Fill the treat ball for the crazy puppy. I have to have something to throw into her cage as we make our mad dash out the door before she starts yapping. I canNOT stand the yapping and whining as I go out the door. That includes yapping and whining from ANY ONE….including the spouse.

I get Lil Lady’s coat on.

I get Little Man out of his crib.

“I don’t wanna go to Bobbie’s. Are we home?” Got his coat on…his hat….he got his boots on. I take the boots off and put them on the right feet…..

Me: “Man, we are home right now but we ARE going to Bobbie’s.”

Pouty face starts. Crocodile tears fill up in his big eyes.

“I don’t wanna go to Bobbie’s. Are we home???”

Oh Dear me….”Man, we are going to Bobbie’s and then we will be home later, after I work.”

Coats are on, treat ball is ready to roll…Cali puppy is jumping around us trying to get the treat ball….Manny goes one way, Lil Lady goes the other….I try to get them lined up at the door while I throw the treat ball in and latch the door on the crate.

Shit, I’m sweating….out the door we go!!! Whooohooooo!

Fuck….forgot my coat…..it freezing out!! Yep….it’s winter-ish outside….I’m not used to wearing a coat yet, even with the kazilliion inches of snow we received this week.

At the garage door they wait while I go back in for my coat….

I get Little Man secured in his car seat.

“I don’t wanna go to Bobbie’s. Are we home??????”

Oh Lord….”Man…..gimme a break, will ya???”

Lil Lady pipes in….”Mom….I gotta pee….”

WTF?? Seriously? Do you think you could have mentioned that BEFORE the coats were on? BEFORE the puppy was caged?? BEFORE I had your little brother secure in his car seat with the car running to warm up??? Do YA THINK that might have been helpful, Lil Lady???

Tapping my foot….tap…tap….tap…..Oh dear me, I will die a million kazillion times if Little Man has gotten out of his car seat……

Seriously…..

It takes a good half hour to get OUT of the house….another 15 minutes in the garage getting them buckled in….

Another 5 as I rearrange my shit on the front seat because I must have OCD or something but everything has to be just so…..

And then….the whole way there……”do we go this way?” “no, it’s this way!”….”No!!! THIS way!!!” ”how do you know??” “Because I am 4! and you are 2!” “Oh…I yam a big boy.”

Lil Lady says, “Bobbie’s is THIS way!!!”

“I don’t wanna go to Bobbie’s. Are we home??”

Yep, Little Man…you are my big boy. And Lil Lady…You are 4 but do you have to remind Manny where we are going???

And THIS, my dear friends, happens EVERY morning. How does everyone else do it? Is it possible to get out of the house any quicker than this? Do you have mornings that can compare to my chaos?

And everyone wonders why the first place my car goes after leaving the house is HERE:

Caribou Coffee Drive-Through

It’s a No-Brainer!!

Have a great Weekend!!

PINT-Snow Style!

2010-12-07T10:16:00.001-08:00

PINT with That One Mom over at Only Parent Chronicles….

So, it’s Christmas-time. Whoop-de-doopty-fucking-do!! Ahhhhhhh! I tried and tried to get in the spirit this past weekend.

And, last but not least….

Ok…now that we’ve got that straight, I have to put on all the winter-ish garb, try to plow through the snow in my driveway, slide myself on over to the school to pick up my daughter and her friend (because we recently lost our busses due to levy failure), dodge all the other parents out there trying to pick up their children and stay out of the way of the students out there probably driving for the first time in the snow, and then head on over to pick up the short people from the babysitters.

Yep, that’s how I roll on a blustery Tuesday afternoon!

Happy PINT!!

Christmas Spirit Where Are You?

2010-12-01T10:54:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving is over and now comes the ~~fucking rush~~ spendid time that leads up to Christmas.

I’m sorry folks, I’m just not feeling it. Today it snowed. Yipee. Yep….Lil Lady was thrilled, and when I say “thrilled” I mean to the point of getting-her-gloves-and-her-hat-on-and-forgetting-her-coat-and-running-outside-to-play-in-the-quarter-inch-that-dusted-the-deck kind of THRILLED!

Me? Not so much. It’s cold out side. It’s blowing nasty winds that burn my sinuses. I don’t see the beauty of the snow like Lil Lady. I saw everything DEAD…

My dead clematis….

Chairs stacked because it’s too cold to sit outside…my dead passion flowers (more like ABSENT passion flowers due to the crazy-ass puppy eating them)….

Lil Lady’s dead plant….Yes, even Miss Perky Pants Lilli noticed this one…

Despite the awesome job Mr. Sake did on the Christmas lights outside…..

….I just don’t have the spirit. I am forcing myself to listen to Delilah…..106.5 FM I think….All. Day. Long. Christmas. Music. I find myself singing along out of habit. I chuckle at the silly songs, but most of all I cry at the sad songs…

“I’ll be home for Christmas….”

“I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you….”

“Christmas Shoes…..”

and most of all…..”Someone is Missing at Christmas” by Anne Cochran.

I have endured many losses….but….I miss my Mom the most. She’s been gone for SIX years and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Not a day that I wish I had her to call when something stupid happens, or something bad, or something GOOD…..

I miss her.

I cringe when I hear how people fight with their parents. How the children these days don’t have the relationship that I had with my Mom. How the children these days don’t even WANT a relationship with their parents. Why is that?

My Mom was my best friend. Not in the way that she was ONLY my friend either. She was also my Mother. She grounded me, she yelled when she needed to, she sent me to my room if necessary….but she loved me, and I KNEW this. We talked every EVERY day. Her passing was the absolute worst thing I’ve ever been through. To this day I can go to the cemetary and place flowers on the gravesites of all my lost loved ones…but when it comes to my Mom….I can’t walk away without crying.

She was a one-of-a-kind. Beautiful….inside and out.

Mr. Sake’s parents are also gone….I never got the opportunity to meet them. It’s sad….Our children have a Papa who is present, yet busy with his own life. I often wish he was more involved with them. My oldest has her Grandparents (my late spouse’s parents) but they live in Florida and visit once or twice a year.

So, as I go through the holiday season….wishing I still had my Mom….I am trying and TRYING to see the positive in what I have in my life now. I’m not talking “possessions”…nope, not at all….

Because….

I have people.

The Teen

The Little Man

Lil Lady

For Pete’s Sake….I have THIS GUY:

This is who I fell in love with, and despite his ~~ability to make me insane on any given day~~ little quirks….I still love him. Despite the fact that ~~he often forgets to take out the trash until I freak when I can’t put not one more piece of crap in the can~~ is a little forgetful….I STILL love him. Even though ~~he snores like a muther trucker~~ he has sinus issues….I love him….I just ~~push his ass on over at least 15 times a night~~ gently nudge him to roll over a few times here and there. I love him. As crazy as that makes me…it’s true.

I have this one….

My Big Sis

And I have this one…

No…I don’t have Tina Turner…but my BFF is named Tina….it just so happens that SHE does not like her picture taken, let alone POSTED!

And of course……

Blaine – Caribou Coffee Entrepreneur

(My personal White Chocolate Mocha No-Whip Maker)

You see? I. Have. People.

I have them HERE….on this earth….

….and I have them HERE…..

….and I carry each and every one of them HERE….

….In my Heart.

I can do this.

I can get through the holidays with my people.

It’s ok to feel the sadness for those that are not here but I need to not shut down and forget about the one’s that ARE here.

I am blessed.

I have to remember that.

A day late, but I’m linking up with Shell over at Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out….I feel it’s appropriate, don’t you?

Fess Up? Oh Fawk It!

2010-11-26T14:33:00.001-08:00

Seriously, I had a Friday Confessional post ready to go and the un-named blogger ~~Glamazon~~ somehow failed to post her meme this week. So what if it was Thanksgiving and she was probably knee deep in turkey and dressing…..What the Hell? Oh wait…that’s a whole other meme from Blue Monkey Butt for Wednesdays…..(Glam, you are forgiven….I’m just missin ya is all)

So, what did I do? I decided to go with J and Christy with FAWK YOU! Friday!! Ha! Appropriate??

I over-indulged for Thanksgiving. I ate turkey and fudge and ham and sweet potatoes and fudge and bean salad and pie and fudge and and AND!! Wait…did I mention I ate fudge?? Yep….I did….a bit too much fudge.

FAWK IT…I’m still full. But…if there was any more fudge left, you can bet it would find it’s way into my mouth!

FAWK YOU, FUDGE! May you R. I. P.

This week was pretty rotten. PMS or not, I had a few meltdowns.

I called my doc and promised him I would stop stalking him if he would call me in something to help me calm my ass down. I confess that I asked for Nicotrol AND Wellbutrin…told him I wanted to quit smoking. Knowing that Wellbutrin is also used for depression (shhhhhhhhh!) I figured I might kill two birds with one stone. Or…maybe just one, but hopefully it will be the right one!

FAWK YOU, Wellbutrin! I took ONE pill this morning and I’ve had a splitting headache all fucking day! You know the kind…you bend over and it’s throb throb throb. Or you turn your head and it’s throb throb throb. Or you even blink….yeah, pretty much sucks!

I admit that I was wayy way WAY disappointed that there were NO COMMENTS on my spouse’s post….yeah, the one where he decided to rat me out and TELL ALL SECRETS.

WHAT THE FAWK, commenters??

So sad….so very sad. (Seriously…get him off my back and comment, would ya???)

I’m getting worried that my 144 followers are just little square pictures at the top of my blog and that they really don’t come back to read. Why is that?? I admit…I’m a tad bit emotional about this. sniffle sniffle….

See the reason for the Wellbutrin plea?? Yeah, fawk you , too! (delivered with the utmost respect, of course)

Happy Friday!

Pete’s Tell-All Secrets Post

2010-11-24T11:44:00.001-08:00

POST #3 by Pete

Some people have asked so I thought I would share a secret…..or five.

I’ll bet nobody knew that Mrs. Sake …………..

………… She ………………… backseat of the car ………… We…………

and wearing glasses ……………………..in bed!!!!! ……..WOW!!!!

I couldn’t believe it!!!!!! And the kids, let me tell you

that ………… toys and games. Ugh. ………….. We

always……………the dog. ……………. Never………………..

……………… and I have ………………………….

no matter what ……… birdcage .………… vacuum.

WOULD YOU BELIVE THAT??!!

NOT!!!!!!

Thanks for reading!

Ah-hem……So….apparently Mr. Sake thought he’d sneak one past me. I may or may not have edited this post from….ummmm…let’s say like right after the first sentence….

I may also have edited the pic.

As you may have already realized, no blog post gets past my “proof reading”.

Booyah!!

Who wears the pants, baby??? Huh?? Who wears DA PANTS???

Happy Wednesday!!

It’s My Right

2010-11-23T11:28:00.001-08:00

That’s correct, It’s. My. Right. to be a crabby-ass bitch whenever I want and for however long I want, regardless if it IS the holidays and my spirit is supposed to be bright. So there. Nah-nah Nah-nah Boo-boo!

Link up with That One Mom…..Which MOM??

THAT ONE MOM!!

Go ahead. What are you waiting for??

Got a call from my supervisor saying I could come on in today and pick up my check early since this is Thanksgiving week and all that crap. Nice of her, yes?

Despite my lousy mood, when the Teen asked me to make chocolate mousse, I made chocolate mousse. And when the Lil Lady said, “Let’s make a cake!!!” I dutifully made a cake. I tried to get her 4 year old mind to come up with something to put on the cake other than “Happy Birthday, Lilli” because for the LAST TIME, Girlie…your birthday is NOT for another 10 months!! But she couldn’t come up with anything….

Have a ~~bitchy~~ Happy Tuesday!!

What Happened??

2010-11-21T13:28:00.001-08:00

Ok, the Spouse….aka PETE….seems to have acquired a liking to this blog stuff. When I checked what he was doing, I found ~~twenty seven~~ several posts ready to go. Hmmm….maybe he thinks he’s going to take over MY blog?? Oh, For Pete’s Sake…that’ll never happen! Regardless, I figured I’d post another by the spouse….He’s got a good point here. What do you all think?

Post #2 by Mr. Sake

Since when did the world start to spin backwards? Why do I even ask such a ~~stupid~~ hypothetical question? This one may take a few minutes so go use the bathroom (no iPod games, please), grab a beverage and then we’ll contemplate this together……….

……………

………………

…….done? Ok, let’s think about this.

For a quick rehash, I was born in the mid 60’s to parents old enough to be my grands. They were born during and shortly after WWI, and lived thru the depression and WWII. Life was not by any means easy for them. Neither graduated high school. Both had to work, and work hard to help their families survive. They learned at young ages that it was all about survival of the fittest. Everything was basic but well earned. Respect was foremost and any advice that parents had to offer was key because they were working even harder just to keep a modest shack of a home. Food was basic and feasts were a luxury.

I was raised with these values. Yes I had a better young life than my parents, but we were by no means wealthy. My dad worked seven days a week. Mom went back to work as soon as my younger brother started school. We had a dedicated telephone, better than the party-line some of our friends had! The TV was black-and-white, heavy enough to be an anchor for an aircraft carrier. There were six TV channels. We had cake on birthdays, a good Thanksgiving meal, and modest yet fulfilling Christmas celebrations.

We worked in the yard, took care of the garden, and shoveled snow off the drive and walk. Clearing the sidewalk was mandatory. Why? Because it was the nice thing to do for people who walked to catch a bus - that and my parents said we had to. We earned a buck cutting the neighbors grass and if our parents said go help we did – FOR FREE. When Mom said homework the school books better have already been opened. Getting a D was taboo.

When they said go outside and play because we had been watching TV for an hour they meant turn it off……NOW! We had friends we actually saw face-to-face and had real conversations with. We got bumps, bruises and scrapes and went back for more. If we got in trouble we got in trouble twice - first immediately once we were found out, and second when dad got home. Three times if other’s parents or the authorities were involved.

Fast-forward: 2010

We have phones on our hips, TV’s in every possible room, and the internet in the palm of our hand. Half of these belong to the kids. They have video games we never dreamt of and couldn't successfully play if we wanted. Pac Man is ancient.

Texting is the way the kids nowadays communicate. Email is old-school, and calling someone on the phone is prehistoric. Nobody has a best friend, they’re BFF’s. Homework is a parental mission. What the heck is a multiplication matrix? Cognitive thinking isn’t a requirement of school. Classes are based on the lowest achieving student progressing instead of having the class keep up with the fast learner. I had a 3rd grade teacher who stressed the word “sincerely”. Ask your 13 year old to spell it.

In youth sports everybody is on the team and participates. Nobody gets cut. Nobody sits on the bench. There is no real need to improve because the system is not designed for it. It’s all “feel good”. What about cutting the kid because he flat-out-sucks? Either he’s got the desire to make the team next year and practices or find something else he’s good at!

When we say to go outside and do something, “it’s a new show” that’s been seen 100 times or “right after I get through this part of the game”. If kids don’t have something, they want it (thank you Channel 295), and if they have it the new one is better. Raking the leaves is not necessary because dad will eventually do it. Washing dishes is beneath them. Cleaning up after the pets……

RU outa yr mnd?????????

(Learned that one from the Teen)

If you say something you might hurt the kid’s feelings - so say some experts. Hey experts, your parents probably yelled at you, spanked you, and grounded you to you room. You may not have liked it and neither did I. But hey, you learned how to be responsible - successful in school and work. Most of you seem like nice people, too. Just keep your opinions to yourself.

These advocates have some kids thinking they deserve the world without having to achieve. God forbid moms and dads ask something be done, and a spanking is out of the question. They might pick up their cell phone and dial 1-800-FCKMYPARENTS. Oh wait…. I wonder if they answer text messages…

Welcome to Parenting Y2K+10!!

For My Sake.

2010-11-19T11:45:00.001-08:00

So, the Lady has been complaining that she doesn’t have much to write about so I am doing what needs to be done…..as a dutiful husband ~~picking up my wife’s slack~~ offering a helping hand to my Lady when she ~~has a brain fart~~ cannot think, you get to read a post written by ME….PETE…..the namesake of the ~~bashing~~ insightful writings which my ~~backstabbing~~ wonderful wife composes for all to enjoy. So for My Sake, sit back, enjoy, and be gentle with your comments (remember I’m Sicilian and the temper is hereditary, instinctive, and sometimes uncontrollable)

You have read how my wife views everyday occurrences in our lives, and some not so common ones as well. What you never get to see is the other side of the coin. So maybe some background is in order. I waited nearly 39 years to find the love of my life. At that time, never married and with no children, I was fairly settled into the thought that I would never have a love to grow old with. But hey, there are worse things in life, right?

Work became my love. It was the one thing that I could look forward to every day. Yes I dated and maintained a couple of long-term relationships, but nothing really felt everlasting. I just kept plugging away at my job doing my best and advancing through the company hierarchy until I was second in line under the owner of the company- at 27 years old. After nine years I was supervisor to company personnel of 30 years.

Then I met the future Mrs. Sake. You know that song “You Had Me from Hello”? She did. I never met anyone so bashful and quiet who was saying so much to me. Uhuh, yep, she hardly said a word and offered little if any opinion. Hard to believe isn’t it? But when she spoke she made such an impression on me that there was no possible way I was going to let her get away. I instantly fell head over heels for her. As you may already know, she was widowed with an eight year old daughter. I knew that winning over the little miss was an absolute necessity. Without that I was doomed.

At that time the little miss was eight years old, a bundle of energy, and made me feel like I was whole. Since there were no guarantees, Lady and miss became my pseudo family. Our relationships developed and grew into the base we each needed, or at least what I needed. (Hey, it’s all about me, isn’t it??) So, with one hand-picked emerald-cut diamond and a little bit of gold, we were going to officially become a family.

Onto that ~~fateful~~ joyous day that ~~the circulation in my left leg was cut off by a gorilla-like grip~~ my lady lovingly squeezed my leg and told me the news that we were now “expecting”. Expecting WHAT is what I wanted to know. The ~~fear~~ joy that I felt was overwhelming. I was going to ~~become a diaper changer~~ have the child I that I always dreamt of! I was READY!!

Suddenly my world was changing so fast I could hardly keep up. Work was demanding as always and I now had to prepare for another child. Little miss was all for it! She wanted to be a big sister so badly and actually convinced us of the name we would finally choose for the newest addition to our family: Lilli.

Twenty-one days passed- actually it was 18 months but it felt like only three weeks. Guys, if any are reading this, let me offer some advice. If you go on a family vacation with children who have earlier bed times, and the wife cracks a bottle of wine to relax, give the wife a half glass and chug the rest of the bottle yourself! This way she relaxes and you pass out- therefore unable to perform any husbandly duties. Yep, with the condensation from the ocean-side North Carolina humidity collecting on the air-conditioned windows the future Little Man was conceived.

In a matter of 18 months we went from a 2-kid family to a three-ring circus! The house was too small, we needed bigger cars, and my Lady had no idea what to do with a son! But I did. The moment he was born I was overjoyed that there was someone to carry on my family name. I wondered if he would be a doctor, a janitor, and afraid he would be just plain lazy. One thing I was certain of, even though I held him first he would get his first kiss from the one woman who was guaranteed to love him no matter what- his mother.

If this post is a bit long for your liking, I apologize. I’m sure you are sitting there with the same look on your face that Mrs. Sake gets right before she says “you lost me.” Or you might be feeling the need to ~~blow out my eardrums~~ nicely say, “I don’t need to know this!” like the little miss might do….or….maybe you’d like to hear more.

Feel free to leave a comment and let me know. (Remember the Sicilian heritage) Also, in case you didn’t notice, my text color reflects my wife’s opinion. She believes me to be full of shit, so brown it is and shall ever be. Ohhh For ~~Pete’s~~ MY Sake! You all know it’s true!!

Missing Manny

2010-11-17T11:24:00.001-08:00

Having a 2 1/2 year old, a 4 year old and a Teen can be trying. It was easy when there was just the one…..but now…hell, I think I lose a bit of sanity every day.

I read a blog post the other day….by Rebecca over at Unexplained X 2. OMG…I was rollingonthefloorlaughingmyassoff kind of giggling to myself. No kidding. Why? Because of how she describes what she does with her little ones just to keep them safe….that is exactly what I do, if not worse.

Are all Mom’s like this? I do know that a few short weeks ago when I couldn’t find my Little Man for about THREE HOURS I was definitely on my way to a full-blown cardiac arrest! Oh, ohh-kay…it was more like three MINUTES but still!! I thought I was headed to meet my maker!

You see, this is how it all went down…..

I went in the bathroom to ~~smoke and play on my iPod~~ take care of business. I may have been in there a little longer than I should have been, but in my defense, the spouse was in the dining room ~~playing Bejeweled Blitz~~ right on task in case anyone decided to swing from the chandelier. Yes, he was definitely watching the little ones ~~with one eye on the computer~~.

So…I took my time because all was quiet.

WAIT!! WTF?? There was my clue right there….

All. Was. Quiet. Red flag! Red flag!! I should have known something was not right.

But I didn’t notice a thing as I came out of the bathroom.

All looked to be completely in order. The Teen was on the recliner watching TV because this is what she does best. I walked through the dining room, pass up the spouse who was now going to take his turn ~~surfing the net from his Blackberry~~ in the bathroom.

I walk through the kitchen….nothing amiss there. I go back to the living room and notice Lil Lady playing her game on the couch.

Ahhhh…peaceful moment….So…I sit down for like not even 2 seconds. In fact, I’m not sure my fat ass touched the cushion before I popped up and said, “Where’s Manny??” Already in a panic because I had been out of the bathroom for a few minutes without hearing him, I ran into his bedroom. Nope…no Manny there.

I went into my bedroom because he’s been known to climb into my bed and nap on rare occasion (like when he’s dehydrated from the damn flu). Nope…not there either.

Pulse rate is rising. Head is starting to pound. And of course, as Rebecca would say, I was sweating profusely!!

Where the hell did he go?

I checked the basement. No Manny laying at the bottom of the stairs with a twisted femur.

I ran outside on the back porch. He was not on the porch. He was not playing in the sand box. He was not even swinging the hose around like lasso. Nope. But then………I notice the garage doors are both wide open which means if he went in the side door of the garage, he could get out front to the street! Oh my fucking gawd I was gonna die…..

I took a quick look out front. I’m screaming his name over and over. Nothing. He wasn’t out front. And if he was, his 2 1/2-year-old legs are a hell of a lot faster than my 43-year-old legs!

I ran back in the house to inform the spouse that on HIS WATCH his Little Man had gone missing. Yes, I said MISSING!! He was surely abducted, or he went into the back yard towards the creek. I was certain of it. We were gonna be on the 10 o’clock news. I knew this would happen. We should have sold this house as soon as we realized we were having a boy because boys don’t listen!! They run off! They do stupid things like climbing trees and jumping off garage roofs and playing in CREEKS!!

The spouse ran outside to the back yard. (As soon as he wiped the dumb look off his face and gathered his wits about him)

Our back yard is not little…and there is a creek wayyyyy in the back….a creek that scares the living crap out of me. It’s like at least 30 feet deep….No, seriously…it’s not deep except for in a few select spots…but it’s been a nightmare in my past that I don’t really talk about….So, yes, the creek is creepy.

I went back in the house ~~to die~~ to look again…maybe he was in my room but I didn’t realize it because I have so many blankets….ugh….by this time I feel like I have lost several years off my life and when I find him I’m pretty sure I’ll ~~smother him to death with kisses~~ beat his ass.

As I’m in my room mumbling about how-stupid-I-was-to-be-in-the-bathroom-so-long-and-how-brainless-the-spouse-was-for-not-realizing-Little-Man-had-been-kidnapped-right-from-under-his-nose-and-how-does-one-lose-their-kid-in-their-OWN-house–when-there-are-2-adults-and-a-teenager-to-keep-an-eye–on-him, I hear a little voice come across the monitor. Yes, we still use the monitor because one never knows what will happen when we are sleeping. (Or when we are just using the damn bathroom!!) He says, “I right here, Mommy!”

WHAT THE FUCK?? If I hear him over the monitor that means he’s not in MY room, and he’s not outside in the creek, and he’s not laying smooshed in the street…and…..he’s…..OMG!!! He’s in HIS room!! The first fucking place I had looked!!

Yes…he was “just hiding” in Lil Lady’s bed. Under ALL her stuffed animals and pillows.

He was so damn cute when he popped his head out of there that I couldn’t beat him. He was grinning from ear to ear which shows his dimples….Soooo not funny, Little Man. I betcha can’t tell I’ve gotten a little gray-er up top in the past 3 minutes, now can ya?? Would you like to count my heart rate you little shit?? Huh? Would ya??

So, you see…life is never dull around here. And yes, Rebecca, I think all Mom’s have the moments that make us sweat….and that, my dear friends, is why God…or someone else (Mr. Secret?)…invented antiperspirant/deodorant! Cuz we never ever EVAhhh wanna let them see us sweat!

Your turn! What makes YOU sweat??

It Really Is OK.

2010-11-16T10:59:00.001-08:00

So, have you heard of the MeMe “It’s Ok Tuesday”? Probably not because the WhisperingWriter over at Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock at a Time hasn’t made it INTO a MeMe….but ya know what? I ~~threatened~~ told her I was going to do it as a MeMe and link up to her post….Just becasue I CAN.

And I Am.

Go on, you can too! He he he….She would love for you to visit her, I’m certain of that!

Drum roll…..

It’s ok to cook a roll of sausage even though it clearly states “use on or before October 10, 2010” and the current date is November 15th, 2010. Just be certain to throw it away immediately after cooking and follow it promptly with at least a cup of bleach to clean out your drain.

It’s ok to let your heart sink into your stomach when you look at your Little Man’s pouty face and crocodile tears as you leave him with the sitter. Just keep on moving…this too shall pass.

It’s ok to bitch to the manager at the grocery store when the crackers you were buying BECAUSE they were only 99 cents rang up at $1.99. Seriously…that’s 2 bucks more than I planned on spending. (I bought 2)

It’s ok to cringe at the noise of falling objects upstairs when being downstairs. Especially when it’s just you and the puppy at home.

It’s ok to lose a few lives over this picture….

…Especially when you know what that cabinet holds…..

It’s ok to vomit just a little when one of your elderly patients is explaining how HIS friend helped disimpact HIM while HE squatted in the bathtub like a sumo wrestler. Yes, this is definitely ok.

It’s ok to hide in the bathroom for 45 minutes each night and play Pocket Frogs, Bejeweled Blitz, and catch up on Facebook from your iPod. Nobody should question what’s taking you so long in there.

It’s ok to eat entire bag of crackers mentioned above while you are blogging. (Remember…there is a second bag left) Just be sure to eat the healthy salad beforehand.

And last of all, it’s ok to link up to The WhisperWriter’s blog as if she is having a MeMe. I don’t think she will hurt you or anything crazy like that….she is too busy shoveling snow and drinking hot chocolate.

HAPPY TUESDAY!

or better yet….

HAPPY IT’S OK TUESDAY!!

Stupid Idea #347

2010-11-14T19:43:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I’m a Mom and sometimes I have these visions of me sitting with my kids and doing some “crafts”.

Yeah…that is SO NOT my family….they are too neat and well, ummmm…happy. (photo compliments of Google)

You see, I love to do crafts and the kids, being a by-product of ME, should also LOVE to do crafts. Yes? What craft?? Christmas cards, of course!!!

‘Tis the season to do stupid shit!!!

Sooooo….I got out the case with all the different papers, the card stock, the stickers, the glue, the embellishments, the ink pads….We had all kinds of paper to chose from. All kinds of stampers. Markers and pens and different types of scissors.

Ahhh, the scissors!! Lil Lady, she’s 4, she is very good with scissors. Little Man? Not so much. He scares the living shit out of me when he picks up any scissors. It was such a fight that I took both pairs of the sharp scissors and in order to keep them from the Little Man, guess where I put them? In my fucking bra!! Am I insane or what??

Seriously…who hides scissors in their BRA?? I can tell you this…at one point I actually forgot where I put them…but a little shift this-a-way and HOLY HELL I certainly remembered quite quickly…and painfully.

Considering they are ~~creatures from another planet~~ toddlers, I have to give them credit for at least trying to participate in this ~~stupid fucking~~ grand idea I had. They absolutely LOVED the shiny glittery stuff I bought to use on these Christmas cards that I really wanted us to make…as a FAMILY….

It took Little Man less than 2.1 seconds to pop the top off the glitter tube and SHA-ZAMMMM!!! Green glitter….everywhere!

I succeed in making one card that ~~I wouldn’t send to my worst enemy~~ could be used in case of an emergency….and Manny colored his card AND Lilli’s because Lilli was too busy playing with the glitter that had gotten everywhere.

Oh…and add a crazy Cali dog to the mix….yep, even SHE was glittered!! I must say her sparkling nose was quite cute! Took my anger away…sort of like Calgon….or Caribou coffee! I think the spouse is still worried that he will go to work sparkling tomorrow. (And For Pete’s Sake! We all know that he doesn’t sparkle!)

Anyglittermess, our cards did not turn out like these:

They looked like this:

It could have been fun. It could have been quality time spent with the kids. Shit, ok…it WAS quality time spent with the kids, but it sort of turned into a nightmare. The next time I have a bright idea like this, will someone please shoot me in the fucking foot??

Thank you kindly in advance!!

I. Am. Done.

2010-11-12T17:41:00.001-08:00

It’s that time…and I’ve been MIA, so I might have a lot to “confess”…if you do too, go ahead and link up with Glam over on her blog…she would greatly appreciate it, and you will feel a whole lot better, too!

Last weekend my Gram died. Although it was sad, and she will be greatly missed, I confess that I am happy she is in a better place. I am not kidding when I say I witnessed the stress leave her body as she comfortably passed from this life to the next. It was VISIBLE! After several years in a nursing facility where she received total care, as well as had extreme difficulty expressing herself verbally….well, I imagine right now she is talking up a storm! God Bless Her!!

I also confess that as she passed away I looked at her and thought…”Wow. Isn’t SHE the lucky one? SHE gets to see my Mom and my Grandpa and my late spouse….What more could she ask for?”

_________

I confess that as Little Man puked for nearly a week, I totally did not act like the awesome Mom that I am, and I ran the other way when he would say, “BUCKKKKKK-ET!!!!” Yep….I don’t do puke. Sorry, Little Guy….I just couldn’t. Sorry I let it get on your shirt. Sorry I wanted to tilt your head backwards instead of forwards just so it would go back down instead of coming out. So, so sorry.

_________

My heart broke for Little Man when I took him to the ER for IV fluids.

He was just so drained that I thought a bit of intravenous fluids might perk him up a bit. But…when they put the IV in and his crocodile tears ran down his cheeks…ohhhhh….that was tough! And when he looked at his arm and then looked at me and said,

“Is my arm hurt??”

Ohhh, I just wanted to hold my baby!! My poor little guy! He had no idea it was no longer ok to spurt liquid mess from his tushie or to upchuck every day….nope, this was not ok with the Mom….Sorry, Big Guy…

When the IV was done, Little Man yanked off his ID bracelet and promptly stated…

“I. Am. Done.”

_________

Today when I was informed by my supervisor that the $400 I receive extra each month from them for “medical benefits” would no longer be available to me…Yeah, I pretty much wanted to commit a crime. A very BIG crime. WTF? The letter said they were trying to avoid taking this away for “at least the last 10 months”….WELLLLLLL……why now then? Why right before the holidays? WHYYYYY when they know my financial situation because THEY are the ones that have PUT me here??? First they cut down on my patient load. They said it would go back up and it hasn’t. Then this. When my spouse figured it out, they have cut me by nearly $20,000 for the year. Fuckers! And no, I am not sorry to say that. And so….as I look for another job, I dream of the day I leave that message for my current employer stating….

I. Am. Done.

________

WE had Chinese for dinner.

Yes, I am confessing that. Chinese is BAD. Yes it is. But it was damn good and my ankles and happily swelling as I type.

Anychowmein, the Teen didn’t like her chicken. Said it was “gross” and “mushy” and “disgusting”. The spouse got mad at her for being so opinionated as he was trying to eat his Egg Foo Yung. What was I doing? I was waiting on everyone….cuz this is apparently MY JOB. My food got cold. It tasted like shit. The toddlers didn’t like the rice. I made them pasta instead. Then the Teen needed pasta too. Then a big ordeal became of her not being able to find the basil because this is how she eats her pasta…buttered with basil.

The dinner ended with Lil Lady crying that her butt hurt because she did not wipe well enough, or maybe almost had an accident, or maybe…who the fuck knows. Her ass hurt and she needed a bath. The spouse does this and he needs to be praised for that at least. Yes, he is the official bath giver.

But tonight….yep…Little Man pooped in the tub. Bad news there is all I can say.

The Teen wanted to know what was going on in the bathroom. The spouse didn’t feel like explaining. The Teen doesn’t like when he doesn’t answer her. The spouse doesn’t like when the Teen feels she’s ENTITLED to his answer.

And on and on and FUCKING ON IT GOES!!

Seriously.

I made at least 10 trips clearing off the table. I washed the dishes. I put away the left-over Chinese that I will most likely throw in the trash next weekend. I read the spouse’s fortune from his cookie. I do not recall what it said. I read the Teen’s fortune…something about “having a heart of gold”….sweet, yes? Then I thought…where the fuck is MY cookie???

I got my cookie….as the Teen and the spouse continue to argue over every little thing…..

Amazing….

I think….

I really think…..

….this is the ONLY time my fortune cookie knew what the hell it was talking about!!

AND…I confess…this is the ONLY time I actually agreed with my fortune cookie! So…I am done trying to make the Teen and the Spouse like eachother. I confess…..

I. Am. Done.

Happy Confessions!

Sick, Sick and Sick

2010-11-03T14:36:00.001-07:00

So sorry I’ve been MIA for a few days…seems like weeks, doesn’t it? I swear, it’s only been a few days…I think. Shit, who the fuck knows! All I know is that from last ummmm…Wednesday, I think, we have been taken over by snot, coughs, puking and diarrhea!

What the Hell??

(Link up)

WTF I say!! Seriously…how could one 2 1/2 year old Little Man start with a cough and low-grade fever and then it travels to the Lil Lady but she decided she had to out-do him and add the puking….

Then Little Man must have thought “oh HELL NO, Sistah! I can do better than that!” And he added puking AND fucking diarrhea.

WTF??

Last weekend was filled with puking and diarrhea…puking….diarrhea….fevers….SNOT….puking…..

There was no Halloween for these two little ones…nope. No candy, no costumes…no trick or treating. My oldest got to go so that was nice that she got candy ~~that we can all enjoy when she’s not looking.~~ But no….the little ones missed Halloween because of the fucking flu!

I haven’t been feeling well in the “abdominal area” for a few weeks, but I had it under control. A bit of Gas-X, and bit of Peptobismol and nobody knew my innards were in knots for weeks.

These nice little candy buckets that we were saving for WEEKS to collect their treats in….

…yep, we used them as PUKE buckets!! Nasty?? Yes, I agree, but when you run out of towels and washcloths to clean up the puke messes, you have to resort to something. This, of course, was the spouse’s idea. I went along with it only because I couldn’t handle not one more puke-filled towel….I just over-looked the fact that these buckets originally contained nuggets and fries. That fact ALONE makes me want to puke!

I think it was Monday this week that the spouse came home feeling “queasy”…yep…it was Monday. He went right to bed. I dealt with the 2 little ones which was ok because there wasn’t any more puking going on, just a bunch of crankiness. BUT…get this, the teen came home from school and began puking from that point until about midnight. She slept on the floor in the hallway…

Ugh! How much more can I take?

With my stomach still in knots, my innards twisted upon each other….I seeeeriously wanted to get a hotel somewhere away from these germs!

Then came Tuesday….

I woke up fucking sick!!!

WHAT THE EFF-ING HELL???

I spent all day in bed except for the runs to the bathroom. I slept and slept. I nearly passed out in the bathroom at one point but I think this was because I was refusing to puke. No WAY was I gonna puke. I DO NOT PUKE!

I didn’t puke. (and I didn’t pass out either)

Yeahhh Me!!

Aaaand….as I type this the spouse just came and told me Little Man just puked AGAIN!!

WHAT THE HELL, MR. ROTOVIRUS??

Seriously…I can’t take any more of this. And me…being a nurse…I Don’t. Do. Puke. I’ve puked right along with patients before because I couldn’t very well leave their bedside just because they were puking, now could I? But with the kids…ummm…I confess that I scream my bloody head off for the spouse when they puke because for some reason HE can handle it. I….can….NOT.

Ahhhh well…..there ya have it. I’m up to my eyeballs in puke and snot and diarrhea. I haven’t worked except for a few hours on Monday, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be seeing patients tomorrow either. I wonder if I can still get paid? Probably not…

You might find me on some street corner holding up a sign…

Ooops…wrong sign….

How about this one?

I’m just at my wits end. Stuck between trying to keep Manny hydrated myself, or should we take him to the ER for a round of IV fluids? The problem is, you go to the ER because you think it’s serious enough because this is your BABY, and the ER sends you home saying “He’ll be fine”…and you pay a few hundred bucks for them to tell you this. Ugh…does this little boy LOOK FINE to you?

My poor Little Man….

I give it one more day. That is all, just ONE more day and it’s off to the ER.

Wish us luck!

Oh, and if you feel the need to sanitize after reading this post, I won’t be offended in anyway.

Happ…..errr….ummm….Yep, it’s Wednesday!!

What The…??

2010-10-28T11:48:00.001-07:00

Ok Ohhh-kayyyyy, it’s Thursday and I’m just now posting my What the Hell Wednesday post. I know I’m behind. In fact, that’s my middle name lately. And ya know what else? I don’t freakin care!

So, I’m gonna link up anyways because I can. Can you?

I faxed my employer my updated W-4 form. My goal is to receive more money in my check and to hell with receiving a lump sum at the end of the year. First I called and asked them for a form. Two weeks later I realized I never got the form. What the hell? Ok…so maybe that was too much to ask them. I found my own form on the internet cuz I’m smart like that. I faxed it. I got paid today. No fucking change in withholdings. WHAT THE HELL, EMPLOYER????

So, apparently I need to drive the 20 minutes to the office in the hopes that someone is there to receive my W-4 form in person. Otherwise I’ll put it in the lock bock and it will take another 2 weeks for someone to find it.

I just don’t get it….

My sweet Cali puppy…yes…she is wreaking havoc on my back window screen no more. You see…she would jump up to try to get our attention to let her back in. I was getting furious because I kept mentioning this to the spouse but the spouse wasn’t doing anything to fix the issue. I think he thought I would do something….

Well, I was working on WHAT to do…use plexi-glass to cover the part she could reach? Take the screen out completely and forget about being able to open that window?? I had some ideas….BUT…..I really didn’t know what would be the correct thing to do.

I asked the spouse again….he got disturbed about it. Possibly because of the way I mentioned it this time. You see…I just keep hoping that because I mention something, thy will be done. (you know, like in our vows??) Nope. And he’s aware that this is my expectation….but I’m not sure he worries too much about the repercussions. This time he got ticked off thinking I was insinuating that he doesn’t do things as well as my late spouse (I would NEVER insinuate this!)…or that he doesn’t do things quick enough….(again, NEVER….) but anylateness, he got ticked and stormed off saying he would fix the muther fucker….well, not those words cuz he doesn’t usually talk like that. But….THIS is what I got….

He BABY-GATED the muther fucker!! Yes! THOSE are MY words cuz I DO talk like that!! Seriously?? This is what I have to look at out my kitchen window?? Ahhhhhhh……..He said, “Are you ok with that?” Ummmm…..yeah, sure…no problem….honey…

WHAT THE HELL?

What am I gonna say? No, dear…that’s a little off the wall…yep, I pretty much think it’s not too kosher to babygate a window. At least I can be happy that it’s not one of the FRONT windows, right?

My teenage daughter used to play the flute. She did fairly well for ~~never practicing~~ only playing the thing at the band concerts. Now…guess what? She has changed instruments. Just a little change from a flute….

I was all like “what the fuck is THAT??” (I really have no clue about instruments…well, maybe a drum…) It’s a “bari-sax”…or more specifically, a baritone saxiphone. What the hell, teenager?? Maybe there should be a weight requirement for this instrument and your 92 pounds just doesn’t cut it!

What’s even funnier is that she cannot bring this thing back and forth from home to school….it belongs to the school. We cannot find a place that rents them because I was told “they are extremely expensive and you’d have to give up your last born if something happened to it.” As tempting as that may be…well, no….I wanna keep my Little Man as long as I can. So…the teen only gets to practice during band class. She cannot play the songs yet. I asked her what she was going to do for the concert this past Tuesday and her reply? “My teacher told me to fake it.”

WHAT THE HELL, TEACHER??

Seriously? I pay a fee for her to be in band and she gets to pass by FAKING IT??? Oh no-n0…..No we do not like this idea at all.

I could go on and on with What the Hell Moments, but as we have already established, this post is a day late, and What the fucking HELL happened to my desk???

I think I have a bit of cleaning up to do!!

Happy Wedn….ooops!! Happy Thursday!!

The Real Me….

2010-10-22T11:57:00.001-07:00

Ok, on Friday’s I usually confess my sins of the week to Glamazon, but apparently she’s off having leg transplants or something like that. She’s certain she’s going to have model-like legs afterwards, so let’s just let her dream, k?? Oh, and if you want to wish her some good luck with that, hop on over to her place and do just that! You can find her here, at Glamazon!!

So, instead, I’m gonna tell you about the real me. Ohhh, you can stifle the groans now, it’s not appreciated. Thank you kindly.

Jen over at Denton Sanatorium asked if anyone wanted to show their “Real Me”….if you want to, you can link up over at her place. I think we are supposed to post a pic of ourselves, so beware! Jen’s looks awesome…mine? Probably not so awesome, but I yam who I yam, ya know? Go ahead, link up if you’d like!

(Did you ever “save picture as” and then when you go to retrieve it, you can’t find the fucking thing? Yep…I just did that, twice…so, if you want to link up with Jen, just click on the link above! Damn.)

First of all…this is me…take it or leave it….

Oh come ONNNNN!! I’m kidding!!

That’s my brother!!

Seriously….THIS is me…

I’m sorry…I’d be looking through 4 years of pics if were to post one of the entire me…that is probably the last time I let anyone take a pic of more than my face. Oh, and I no longer have pretty nails because I don’t have the time or the money….shit, being a Mom is hard work, isn’t it??

I have body image issues. My spouse doesn’t understand why. Well, why would he? He’s a man! They don’t seem to complain about gaining 10 or even 20 pounds…they laugh it off. Ohhh…to be a man!!

My middle child is 4. Before her I was hot! No…not really. But I felt much better about myself.

Then came Little Man…he’s 2 1/2. Still haven’t gotten back to where I was 4 years ago. Maybe because I had THIS for lunch?

AND I brought THESE with me just in case I didn’t consume enough fat, carbs and sodium.

If it makes any difference, I drank a Diet Coke.

You’re right…it doesn’t matter. I really need to get control of what I eat. Jen over at the Denton Sanatorium confessed that she bought a People magazine…well, I bought a Women’s World one just the other day because the lady on the cover lost tons of weight, and in this issue, she was going to share her secret. What was her secret??

Cut down on your calories….eat less than what you put out….Oh wow….did she just figure this out?? I think we ALL know that….but do we do it?? Not me….

I’m destined to be fat.

Each morning I have good intentions of eating right. I have my coffee before anything else. From the moment I walk out of the bathroom, all good intentions are down the drain. First because I have to spend at least 20 minutes getting the Teen to wake up. Secondly, I have to chase around the 4 year old and the 2 1/2 year old AND the puppy. Yes…this sweet Cali….

I nearly beat her ass when I saw THIS….

But then I remembered I bought THIS….

…and it works!! Take THAT you furry-faced bastard!!

So, after chasing them all around and corralling them into one room so I can get their shoes on….the kids, not the puppy….we venture on out to the babysitter’s. This is only after about 20 more minutes of consoling Lil Lady that I promise to come pick her up after work. Geeesh!! Does she really think I won’t?? Yeah, ok….so I scream and holler all the time that I can’t take anymore….and that I’ve had enough….and that….well…she should KNOW I love her, right??

This has been a big problem since starting the new sitter. The last one was coming to the house, and I think the only reason Lil Lady is crying about going is that she doesn’t want to leave her house, her toys, her potty….her puppy…..

It just makes it so difficult because seriously…I don’t WANT to work, I HAVE to!! I tried to tell her if I didn’t work we’d have to live out of Mommy’s car because we wouldn’t have a house….this only made her more sad….and me too!

My car….it’s not the cleanest it can be. In my defense, I WORK out of my car. I EAT in my car. I SPILL white chocolate mochas in my car routinely. I think my car has always had a tendency to have that “used” look, but in the past, before 3 kids, I had the time to clean it out. Now I only have time to dispose of the white chocolate mocha cups…and I only do that to make room for the next round.

White Chocolate Mochas (no whip because I’m watching what I consume)….they are my favorite. I think they are the reason for the financial issues we have. I’m sorry, Dear Spouse….I’m an addict.

In the trash….

Stacked in the garage…

In my car…

What? The clear cup with the straw? Yeah, that’s my ice water. I get one with the mocha because I truly believe the ice water dilutes the calories and also allows them to slide off my hips….(yes, I figured THAT out, but I’m not on the cover of no magazine….)

Funny, I actually Googled “coffee addict” to look for a pic. Little did I know I had my OWN pics!! Wow….

…I think I need an intervention.

No I don’t, this IS the real ME….take it or leave it.

Happy Friday!!

Thank you, Jen, for letting me link up!

WTH Wednesday and Email

2010-10-20T11:42:00.001-07:00

I haven’t done this MEME for a while, but as I was checking email this morning (no, I’m not that important, it’s just what I do as I attempt to open my eyes and focus) I realized that I don’t get many emails worth reading. I usually just delete, delete, delete but when I saw THIS….

….I immediately thought WHAT THE HELL?? Then I thought of Elle and Stacy over at Blue Monkey Butt. Then I thought I better link up with them for What the Hell Wednesdays. Then, last but not least, I thought….when the HELL did I get a hip replacement??????

Link up and have fun!

Seriously, people?? How on earth would I get an email from the “Hip Recall Claim Center”??? Ok, fine, I complain at least 15 bazillion times a day that my hip doesn’t work like it should…but….it’s MY hip!! It’s not an artificial hip!! If I could file a claim for MY hip, I’d be filing it with the Man Upstairs, right? And I’m not talking about my spouse in the recliner, or Little Man that is pulling the puppy by her tail…I’m talking about God here….Yes, THAT Man Upstairs. Do you think He would offer a recall??

Next….

Serious WHAT THE HELL at this moment….Come ON, I really don’t want to be reminded of the weight I need to lose. Especially at 5 fucking 30 in the morning!!

Then…

Can we get serious here?? First of all I’m told I can file a claim and recall my aching hip, then I’m told to shed the fat and get fit, and now someone is saying I need to try this electronic cigarette because I shouldn’t be smoking the real bad boys??

WHAT THE HELL??

Can’t I just be who I am?? And who am I??

A fat, forty-ish limping nurse that smokes…..Yes, I have habits.

WHAT OF IT???

Oh, Dr. Oz…..don’t look at me like you KNOW….I should have never Googled your ass….

I also received a couple emails from the iTunes Store ~~telling me my teen is helping herself to my iTunes bucks~~ with the receipts from the Teen’s recent purchases. Gonna kick her ass one of these days….

Also one email from an acquaintance that told me I had to forward the “Wish from God” to 10 friends or else I’ll wake up naked in the middle of the mall or something equally insane. First of all, I don’t have 10 friends. Secondly, I can’t forward these because they freak me out. I don’t read them either because, well, they freak me out!!

I also received emails from Borders, Bath & Body Works and Direct TV.

No REAL people….not a one. But….apparently if I get bored with my spouse and my crazy life, I can meet people here:

Because obviously when you put on Facebook that you are married, they don’t CARE!! They send you these emails at least 3 times a day!

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, FACEBOOK???

That is all. I’m off my soapbox now….and if you care, what the hell?? Shoot me an email!! Or just leave a comment.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!

My Little Man

2010-10-19T12:02:00.001-07:00

Yes, My Little Man…..my last born….my 2 1/2 year old “Man”. My sister once wrote a post about my anxiety when it comes to Little Man. You can read it here and understand.

You see, my first born is now 13. Yes…as a teenager she can be quite trying, but as an infant?? Perfect!! As a toddler? Perfect-o!! As a young child?? You got it…

P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!

My second child was born 10 years later…Lil Lady. She was a little finicky as an infant…only would take a poop once we released her diaper and laid her down. She had a severe milk protein allergy which made the transition from formula difficult. But, ohhhh, is she smart! She was talking around 18 months. She walked right on time. Sure, potty training was a bit of a hassle, but we finally conquered it right before turning 4!!

There there came Little Man.

When I found out I was having a boy I was, to say the least, a bit nervous. What on earth do you do with a boy???!! What do you do with the little thingy between their legs once you bring them home from the hospital?? What?? I had to put vaseline on it to help it heal after the circumcision?? What? I had to keep pushing back the forskin?? Holy crap-oly!!

But I made it through the infant year. Yes, I did. Even though he was always climbing from the moment he could. Because of Little Man I no longer had sweet little knick knacks throughout the house. I’ve had to remove a lamp that he kept tipping over for the fun of seeing it fall onto the couch. I had to move out an end table that he liked to sit on top of…it was one of those cheapie ones that you really don’t put things on top of except for maybe a doily or something very light. I’ve had baby gates attached to baby gates…without success…

Yes, we’ve done a bit of rearranging around here because of Little Man. When he turned 2, we put latches up high on the doors leading to outside because he liked to leave the house. We closed up the doggy door so he couldn’t escape that way. We put latches on the gates outside so he couldn’t be found way in the back yard unsupervised by the creek! For God’s Sake, we are like prisoners here in our own home. It can take someone at least 20 minutes to LEAVE the house because of all the contraptions!!

Lately he’s been talking more and more. He’s putting whole sentences together which is really awesome to hear. For a while we wondered if he had a hearing issue or something because he had very few words. NOW?? Oh, Man…..he can’t be kept quiet!!

He loves to aggravate his sisters. I really didn’t know a 2 1/2 year old knew HOW to aggravate anyone on purpose, but this little guy does. He likes to bug his biggest sister right when she’s so not in the mood. It’s funny to hear them fight because she’s so serious about it, and he’s giggling the whole time. He loves to pick on his other sister too. Loves to just “touch” her to piss her off. She’ll be screaming bloody murder that “Manny is touching me!!!!” So I say, “Man, keep your hands to yourself.” He says,

“I just TOUCHING her!”

Exactly!! So knock it the fuck off!!

It’s funny…everything he says starts with, “I just…..”

Like the other day he was scooping up all the pasta out of the bowl at the dinner table….using just his hands of course. The biggest sister told him to stop. He didn’t. She said it again. He didn’t listen….again. She yelled at him and he said,

“I JUST TAKING them!!”

Yeah, exactly!! That’s what we don’t want you to do!!

The one night I went into his room and saw this:

Man!!! What the ~~fuck~~ H-E-double hockey sticks are you doing????

Man says….

“I just YOOKING!!!”

and again….

Man! Nice boots, baby!! Whatcha doing??

(Those boots belong to Lil Lady)

“I just DIGGING!!”

So…it’s pretty funny, I think….

My oldest had a thought. She said when he gets older he will probably be caught stealing money from bank or something and he’ll tell the policeman…

“I just ROBBING!”

Seriously though….I love my Little Man, and as much as he makes me want to ~~beat my fucking head against the wall~~ whack his sweet little ass at least 20 times a day….well, when he comes up and head butts me and says:

“I just LUBBING YOU!”

…I melt.

This is for my baby boy, Little Man!!