Shell over at Things I Can’t Say has a fairly new meme for Wednesdays, and I’ve been thinking about participating for a few weeks. I’m still not sure this post will go up, but I’m going to get some things out there that I might otherwise let eat me alive.
If you want to link up, click on the button below.
Ok…here you go. This is something that has most likely always been an issue for me, but lately it’s become more of an issue. It’s called…..
SELF IMAGE …….
Or in my case….the LACK of a healthy one.
You see, I’m not tall, I’m not thin…I’ve always felt that I could lose a bit of weight, even in high school when I weighed maybe 110 pounds. I’ve had several great times when I lost the weight I wanted to lose. I’ve been a size 2 before….believe it or not!! That, of course, was before having children.
My last lowest weight was right before I met my current spouse. I somehow managed to lose the weight I gained when I had my daughter in 1997! I did not manage to lose it until she was 7!! Yes, that was the time when I lost my late spouse, but I must say that I had already lost the weight before the tragic accident. Then I met my current spouse. I was feeling good about myself at that point.
Then came the surprise that I was pregnant. Ohhhhh…I was soooo not wanting to gain the weight back, but it was inevitable. I did gain it back…and more. After Lil Lady was born I was almost at my comfortable adult weight and ohhhhhhh, there comes Little Man!! Damn! I just couldn’t win for the life of me!!
So, here I am today, 20 pounds heavier than when I met my spouse. And……
I feel like crap!!
He’s also gained 20 but he still looks good to me! And I find it unfair that men can gain weight but it’s all good. I just don’t get it. People look at me and don’t know where I keep the poundage…but I know it’s there. And I don’t LIKE IT!
A few things have happened lately that have really made me feel even worse. I am skeptical about writing them here because I know my dear spouse comes to visit my blog, which is ok, but I don’t want him to think that I am knocking him down for being a man. I am not. I am just trying to figure it all out, and I’m trying to learn how to deal with my reactions to things. You know the reactions where you know what you are thinking is so off base, but it’s what you think and nobody is going to tell you differently?? Yeah, those reactions.
For example…when your man looks at naked women on the internet….Oh come on….you KNOW they do!! What is your reaction? Do you get pissed off? Do you just say whatever…he’s a guy?? What do YOU do??? Me?? I decide I’m not worth shit and that he’s going to hook up with one of these women and leave me. Yes, that is exactly how far my brain takes it.
How do I deal with that? I shut myself up in my own little world. I don’t reach out to anyone. I don’t share my feelings because after all, they are irrational, right?
Another example of my irrational thinking? A few old friends contacted my spouse on Facebook. These friends were from his past before I knew him. These friends were happy to have found him. These friends finding him made him very happy. These friends are female……
Let me tell you….I DID try to be rational. I DID try to be open-minded and share in his happiness that these women friended him on Facebook. I did…..I really really really honest and truly DID!! Then…..
Then there was an exchange of several emails going back and forth between them. “Just catching up on things” is what the spouse said. This is where my heart starts constricting…..
Spouse says he knew that if he told me I would get all crazy and accusatory. (is that even a word?? accu-sa-tory…..) Anyways, he was right. I’m sorry….I don’t KNOW these women. I don’t know what kind of “past” he’s talking about when he says they used to “hang out at the bar”. I. Just. Don’t. Know. I should save this for Friday’s Confessional, but let me just say, I confess to letting my wild thoughts get away from me. The moment I realized there was more than just the “friending” on facebook…and by “more”, I am talking about the emailing….I had these women breaking up my marriage. I had my spouse, in my mind, sneaking around to meet up with these two…or even just one of them, after all, one of them is divorced…..and most likely available….ahhhh HELL! I couldn’t even think straight!!
It’s horrible…I know. I should trust my spouse. It is NOT his fault I was cheated on before. It’s not HIS fault that I have these distorted views of what women are after. But…..It’s NOT MY FAULT that when I have this feeling in the pit of my gut….I can usually call it like it is. I TOLD him that next they would be wanting to “get together to catch up on things”. And I’m sure they have mentioned that. I told him I wouldn’t let him go without me. Is that stupid??? Do I want to meet these people? It’s not something I would go out of my way to do, but possibly meeting them would put my fears at rest?? Possibly….
Possibly it would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
What I can’t seem to grasp is WHY I feel my spouse would leave at the first opportunity he got. It’s not like he doesn’t show me that he “wants me”. Hell….he would “want” me every night if I would let it happen. Maybe that’s it….maybe I need a different kind of “wanting” too. Maybe it’s the “I want to meet up with you and catch up on things” kind of wanting that I need and don’t get. We have 3 kids…two are toddlers….so yes, we also need to catch up on things. Maybe it’s the smiling face I want him to show me when he gets an email from me? Yes, I send him emails…I send him sweet ones too, not just raging hormonal ones.
What IS it with me?? Was I that scarred by a past relationship that I can’t trust who I’m with?? Is it that sometimes the spouse’s actions are speaking louder than his words?? Maybe I need to tell his actions to shut the fuck up because I’m concentrating on the words he’s saying!! Damn it all to hell….I swear…..
I tried to explain to him that if I am supposed to NOT CARE what he looks at on the internet, and NOT CARE who he talks to in real life, then I have to NOT CARE about many things…like whether or not he’s tired, like whether or not he’s about ready to lose it from spending 5 straight hours with the kids….you see, if I am to NOT CARE, then I DO NOT CARE about anything. But if you want me to care that you are exhausted, and that you’ve had a rough day, and that you just want an hour to sit and have a beer with friends (guy friends of course)…..then you have to also deal with me CARING who the fuck your talking to. Yes? Please, someone tell me I am making some sense here because….
….for Pete’s Sake!!!!…..
….I don’t want these crazy things to ruin my marriage!! When I said “I do” even though I was FAT with CHILD….I meant that I DO.
I DO love my spouse.
I DO want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I DO want to trust him.
I DO want to grow old with him.
What I didn’t agree to was letting any past “lives” come back to haunt either one of us. And I didn’t agree to NOT CARE with whom he talks, and what he does, and where he is……
So, this is what’s been eating at me for a while now. I’m hoping we are at a turning point. I’m hoping he heard my words last night. I heard his, and will do what I can to tame my out of control thoughts. I hope we can get past this. I PRAY we can get past this. And that’s coming from a non-church go-er.
And spouse, if you are reading my blog, I just hope you know that I love you. And this post was not in any way intended to knock you down.
Thank you , Shell, for giving me the opportunity to get this out there and off my chest. You deserve a medal for coming up with this meme. Afterall, the reason I blog is to relieve my stress, and even if I had no followers, I’d still be here today!